Alive and well, and not letting this bring me down.

I'm so proud of myself right now, keeping my belated resolution.
(Taking my 3 worst days of 2009, and making them decent days in 2010.)

I am surprisingly not hurt by your rude gesture. I'm confused about why you felt it necessary. And indignant that you would do something that served no other conceivable purpose than to hurt me.
I am not hurt, because I've been withdrawn from the situation for a month now. To me, it was over. With the distance, I have seen how its all pathetic and desperate, and how it goes on, pathetically and desperately, with or without me.
I'm glad its without me.
( I still care about you. I hate that I care about you, that I want good things for you.)
But I don't want you. Not now. Not anymore.

This really just makes me doubt, if everyone is so manipulative, so shallow, so asshole-esque.
It scares me. I'm losing more faith, in people's ability to be reasonable.

Drunkenness isn't an excuse. Anger is not an excuse. I want your reason. But I don't want you. In no part of my life, anymore.

I'd moved on, stopped thinking about you. Until you lashed out, for no reason at all.
And it's all your loss. You stopped mattering to me. Apparently, I still matter to you. Enough that you want me jealous. Strangely enough, I'm not. Moving on can be easier than I ever expected. I only feel bad for you, bad that your life has come to this.

!

My salvation came in the mail today. I'm not sure if I can put into words why exactly I'm so ridiculously happy right now. Apparently, that hellacious weekend of interviews that I went through a couple of weeks ago, they paid off. Literally. The first four years of my college education are paid for now. A prestigious, competitive university wants me, that much.

I have a future. The reason I'm the happiest about this, though, is because I did it all on my own. Its my own merit that got me this.
My whole life, I've had a lot of good things happen to me. But I've always doubted my ability to get them by myself...a lot of things that I got in this town, I got partially because of my family, and who I know. Even my job that I plan to start soon, I didn't get on my own. I've often doubted whether I deserved these things, or if I just got them because of who I'm related to. I've doubted my own value and abilities.

But this, I did completely on my own. It has nothing to do with who I know, or who put in a good word for me here and there. It has everything to do with what I've done - my achievements, my grades, my abilities, and my personality. My dedication. Something that I've accomplished, 100% based on my own abilities. Its about me.

I feel valued, strong, and capable now. Of doing things for myself. Knowing that I deserve good things, not because of who I know, but because of who I am.
I feel excited, knowing that i have somewhere to go, a great place that sees potential in me to go even further.
I feel secure in my future. My past, it matters, sure. But I know I have better to come. And i have the abilities to do what I want to do, whatever it may be. I'm able. And I'm so, so so so so happy :)

Hey, whataya want from me?

I haven't blogged in weeks, I suddenly realized tonight. So I'm blogging. Not because I have anything to say, really. Just because I don't like going this long without it.
I haven't blogged in weeks, because reading my last blog makes me sad. If that is what I wanted, to create destruction for a fresh start, I simply failed. Thinking about it makes me see my failure. I lost.

I have no pent up emotions to examine now. Now I'm waiting for...what I don't know yet. When I think about it too much, I feel simply empty. No more revelations or epiphanies. I'm living with this. I didn't get what i wanted. I wanted to end everything and set myself free. All I did was alienate myself and make myself a prisoner to my memories. Memories that are mine alone now. Those times...you and I, we won't reminisce together and laugh over any of it. Because you don't remember, don't care, don't want to remember. And my friends, we won't reminisce together, because they don't care. It wasn't beautiful or elegant or fascinating or romantic, I guess. Memories worth nothing to everyone but me.

That's my story now. A story I'd like to relive but everyone else would like to forget. A paradox. I want the reminders to go away, to forget. I never want to forget.

Now I'm waiting again. Waiting for the unknown. I feel quite small, when I think about it all. I'm scared, I've spent too many nights alone now. Too much reminds me.

Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

^^^That is the philosophy that I am exploring tonight.
The Palahniukian idea that says:

“Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

“I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.”

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”


What I'm saying is, I'm wanting to fuck shit up. I want to create chaos. I want to break this down and see what happens. What is created from this social destruction. I want to break the cycle. I know doing this will piss people off, maybe change the course of somebody's life. I want to see something happen. Do things that might seem foolish, and push I few boundaries.
I want to see what happens after. What I become, and what they become. What kind of creation comes after intentional destruction.
I'm afraid of this. Doing what i want. But hey, my favorite author seems to philosophically support my desires.

And heres my favorite, the thesis of it all:

"'I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."

After its all said and done, I'd like to find this.

Untitled.

Its like watching destruction.
Cheating and lies.
Is this love?

Is this what I want for myself, too?
Could it be any different fro me, really?
I want what i can't have. If I could have it, would I really want it?

I wish I could stop hoping for you.
I see the things you do.
And wonder if you would treat me like that. Hoping you wouldn't.
But probably, you would.

Its like watching destruction.
And being a part of it.
Cheating and lies.
It would go on, with or without me, because its just who you are.
Is this love?


I want to walk away, for a while.
I wish I had the space to clear my head.
We all deserve better.
We are all so fucked up.
And keep fucking each other up, more each day.
Will anyone ever have the power to say "Stop"?
And end it...I think not.

We are all addicted to what we have.
It causes pain, but we stay.
I want to walk away.
I want to stay close to you.
I don't want to love you.