Fate, Luck or Chance.

All along, it was Fate, Luck, or Chance (depending on what you believe) that brought us together.
That first night, no bit of it was preconceived in even the tiniest way, by either one of us.
(In a way, this really amazes me. That there would ever, in any way, would be an "us" was so beyond unexpected to me, and you, and probably the entire rest of the world.)
Nobody chose for us to be together. We didn't even choose it, really. It just happened. Like Fate or Luck or Chance, it was out of our realm of control.

(This all becomes more clear as a look back now).

For a while, we did go our separate ways. I was distracted by him, and you by her, and really, we didn't talk much.
So, this lack of talking between us, it has happened before. I didn't hurt over it that time, because I was consumed with someone else then (and you mean much more to me now).
My point being, a few weeks later, Fate, Luck, or Chance brought us back together again. Pretty much just placed you in my car, in fact. And we went, and I was there for you. And we were friends, a little bit. But not much.
And then one day (after a fabulous, virtually sleepless night spent somewhere else, and a random desire to run the next morning) you showed up right outside the car again. It was Fate, Luck, or Chance. We didn't plan to meet there. You said for me to come with you, and I simply went. And so on, like that, for a while.


It may not make much sense. What I mean is, I've never once woken up, any morning, and known that I would see you. I have hoped, on occasion. But you never were my plan. (And I know I was never yours). Being with you...it is always so sporadic. Every aspect of any conceivable "us," its so random.
You were never in any way a part of my plan. And trying to make you a part of it, trying to make being with you something with foresight and planning, it isn't working. This is so hard for me. You aren't in my control.
Being with you..I have to leave it up to Fate, Luck, or Chance. I think that, eventually, these things put us in the same place, at the same time. Again.

Would you believe it?

It just hit me how much I'm going to miss you when you leave. I'll be lucky to have a few short hours with you, before you go away. For real. For weeks, maybe months, maybe even forever.
I just realized that you mean a great amount to me. I feel that we connected so quickly, emotionally we just understood each other. I enjoy your company, and your thoughts, and your presence.
And I only realize how much you mean to me, after I realize you really are leaving.

I feel sort of dumb, taking so much for granted.
I hate how much I'm going to miss you; I fear that I realized this much too late anyway. I hope you will remember me. I wish I had more time with you.


This always happens, I find someone great, they leave, and I realize how important they were.
Like so few, vastly important others, I feel that you have impacted me. The way you think, it makes me think, and I love that. Like so few, incredibly important others, I think knowing you has helped me grow as a person. I hope you could begin to say the same for me.

Will I ever find a person like this, who doesn't leave so soon?

Waiting is where I fail.

I have no patience.
I know what I want.
I wish I could just reach out, and say what i want to say. Ask for what I want.
But I'm holding myself back.
(Because I'm scared that the answer will be no).
I feel that by waiting, I'm giving us both space and time.
What if you are doing the same?
What if you don't care?
How much is too much, in regards to space and time?

Since I'm sitting here waiting.
I have nothing better to do, than ask these questions and thousands more. All day. For the past fucking week. This is insane.
I feel obsessive.
And impatient.
I don't know how to fill the time.

I try Sudokus and Mahjong and reading and writing and spending time with friends and eating and watching movies.
All kinds of ineffective distractions.
Because I always end up here, writing more and more pointless blogs.
Because I wish I weren't here, asking these questions. I want to be with you.

How much longer do I play this waiting game?
Hmm, theres a song for this.

Christmas Eve Life Update

This is pretty much a broad summary of everything going through my head, and random details of my life, as of now.
Why? Because I can. Its Christmas break, there's not much else to do at this particular moment.


I'm hooked on burning incense. Its cheap and beautiful. Its weirding out my family, giving them headaches, and making them question my drug usage. I just love it. My mom says my room smells like a spa.
I am in writing mode again. I wrote my first complete, lovely short story, and wish I could do something with it. Show it to people or something, but i guess not. Anyway, just the act of writing it made me feel so cleansed and purposeful. The story itself brought me to tears.
Thus, I researched publishing. And clearly, it won't happen for me anytime soon. Nonetheless, I'm writing again. A lot. And it feels good. My thoughts are organized.
I've finished my Duke essays. After some revision, I will submit. Probably the day after Christmas, just because I would feel kooky to the extreme submitting my app on Christmas day. I'm still waiting for Megan's feedback anyway..
I've filled in my planner, all the random important stuff, through May. I've organized my college folders. I feel like my life and future are in order. I feel prepared.
On the other hand, I'm an emotional wreck again. Well, sort of. I just feel so unstable. I'm unable to vocalize what I want, I'm not communicating. I'm internally panicking. I'm scared I'll lose you, and nobody knows, so who will help me pull myself together when you walk away? Where are we going with this, anyway? Its been several days since you have initiated contact with me. In fact, you haven't since that night. Maybe I shouldn't worry. But I do. Anddd I know as soon as you do, I"ll go right back to giddy happy again, sort of. I really really really want you in my life, is what I"m trying to say. Not knowing just makes me feel unstable. I want more time with you.
I want more time in general. My friends are coming and going, and we are all so busy, I"m not spending the quality time i need with everyone I need to be around.
And you, new dear friend, are leaving soon. I feel so morally conflicted, knowing I have the power to make you stay, but doing so would be wrong. So I'll let you go, like so many others. I wish it wasn't this way.
Except for my people issues, I feel so in control. I'm controlling my bad habits, decreasing my caffeine intake (this may not last) and running again. I don't know if the difference is actually noticeable, but I feel that I'm caring for myself emotionally and physically, at least a little better.
This break is hopefully a good opportunity for me to pull everything together.
I want a rockin new Years eve!
I want to watch lots of movies. Old favorites and some new ones.
I'm so excited for college, and life in general. I feel so optimistic about almost everything.
Except you, damnit, I miss you.

And i just had random profound thought, about how quickly and easily people come and go. You meet someone, and if you click, you become close just like that. But they can also leave and never look back, so easily, so unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason. This scares me. I hope no one leaves yet, and more awesome new people walk in to my life :)
Yup yup, I'm craving an adventure. Something grand. I hope this next week turns out just amazingly.

All my obligations for the entire break are as follows:
-Family Christmas Day tommorrow
-Submit Duke App
-Do Calculus Test
-Work on Physics Test
-Games Monday and Tuesday
-Drs Appt. Saturday

Rest of the days are freee for awesomeness. I think. How exciting.

And with this, I wish you a Merry Christmas :) May you find a baby Jesus in your cake tomorrow (if you have a cake).

Hello, worries.

It seems like good feelings don't come without fear of losing them (for me at least). The closer we become, the more scared I am. Of losing it all. It would be so easy for you to walk away, for things to end today.
I feel more scared this time, and it gets worse as the weeks progress. But the weeks have progressed, the months, even, and you are still around.
It may not be healthy, but for me, it never is.
I'm not going to get "normal" here.

I would like reassurance. That you will still be there for me tomorrow. But I can't ask for reassurance, because your answer could be a lie. Or your answer could be no.

I would like to not be a secret. But this doesn't matter. It is what it is, there is no changing our circumstances.

I would like more time with you. Now, and in the future. I'm scared to let you in, scared to be vulnerable. Letting a person in takes time with me. I hope you have patience.

None of this changes the fact that you make me feel happy, and safe, and appreciated. Respected and cared for. Not many guys do that for me. So much as been superficial flattery. It isn't like that here. Won't you grow bored with me soon? That is what worries me.


Now, I also miss you. I fear that my feelings are greater than yours.

I love this feeling.

The excitement of an impending potential adventure.
The rush of doing things I shouldn't.
The fear of getting caught.
But the confidence I won't.
The thrill of not knowing where (or when, or if) I will sleep.
The fascination of the people i will be with.
The ones I might meet, the ones I already know.
Its delicious.


You know, today marks the one year day since I first did this.
(Put my night in the hands of fate, and luck, or random choice).
The one year night, rather.
Looking back, it wasn't so grand, but it was big then.
Looking back, my adventures have gotten so much better.
And with this trend, I hope they continue.

But you can't be close enough, unless I'm feeling your heart beat.

I want someone:
Peaceful - that i can just spend a day doing normal, average, happy things with. That makes a trip to the store something fun and memorable, just because.
Passionate - because you don't have much without that, obviously. And
Committed - Someone intelligent and capable of just being with me, and appreciating that.

Is it too much to ask? Don't think so.

I know what I want, and what I deserve. I hope I'm strong enough to not settle, and to find someone who can be these things for me. Because I'm ready to be these things for someone else now.
Its hard to find all 3 of these things existing in one person simultaneously, therein lies my only setback.

I'm listening to some delicious old Hellogoodbye, and it makes me so happy.

I'm thinking of the people I know, and it makes me so happy.

You know somebody sucks at life when...

they say this:

"well i cant find any one on here at all that just wants to hook up for an evening and this blows."

Hi stranger, I've never met you. I never want to meet you.
And i don't give a shit about your sexual frustration.

Dude can't get laid, so they creep on strangers on myspace.
What a seduction fail ;P

"i just think its funny that out of all the girls on here not 1 that i have found wants to go out for a nite and just chill or nothing."

Sounds like you might have a personal problem, sir. Because the attractive, charming, and grammatically correct people are chilling it up every night.

"just that i really dont know how to tell a girl that i wantto take them out and have some fun with out freeking them out."

Ideas of rape generally freak out most girls. Its a perfectly healthy defense mechanism.

"just fun and exotic and freaky lol"

You aren't helping yourself out at all at this point...

"well it just sucks cause i know im a good lay i just have issues talking to girls i get nervous."

Like I said, personal problem. And i doubt you are a good lay. If you were, you wouldn't be hitting up the underage girls on myspace..

"guys aren't worried about girls takeing them out and killing them only girls worrie about things like that."

...obviously.

"all i am looking for is someome within a reasonable distance to here i can call up and go enjoy a few minutes with and take home or back to their car and go home thats all am i the only person like that it this part of the globe?"

No. Just the only one lame enough to not actually be able to get it, yet beg for it from strangers. Online.


Well, just thought I would share some fun quotes for the day. People really say these things, you know.
(By the way, I didn't actually say the things in italics..they are just the fun things I was thinking at the time.)

Withdrawing into myself for a Day.

This weekend, these past two nights, while they have been phenomenal, have also perhaps added up to equal the most emotionally draining feeling that I've had in a while. It gives me so much to think about, that I just want to sleep and get everything sorted through (but I'm not even getting my normal sleep to begin with). I feel like I've learned a lot, and have a lot I need to figure out. Soon.

And so, I'm staying home. I'm not calling or texting anyone, unless they contact me and I find it important enough for a response. I'm going to spend some time with myself today.
Plus, I need to spend some time with my expert project/online classes. Expert project is over in five days!! I'm so excited to get it over with, even though I don't really have my "project" created yet. Online classes have assignments for one more week, then I'll spend next week doing make up elluminates and finals. Then I'm done with that.

I feel like when I finish these things, I will have more free time, but I really won't. Starting this week, I will be cheering pretty much every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday through February (My birthday month :) ) So I guess things aren't going to get any more simple for me.

I feel like I'm on the verge of alot of changes/epiphanies/etc. Maybe today is what I need to get that. And if it isn't, at least I have today to work on my school stuff. And sleep!

Incidentally, this may have had a sad tone to it. I'm not sad, really, just tired and totally drained emotionally. I'm exquisitely happy, for the most part. I just feel stretched in so many directions. So many people want (and demand) my attention. Others I feel I should be giving more attention to. There are so many places to go, things to do. But some could be the wrong ones. So its like a big game, and I'm choosing the path to reach whatever outcome it leads to (that sounded stupid). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, except that I need some time to work out where I'm going from here. Metaphorically and literally I guess. A lot of choices, some really big ones. And I get distracted so easily.

You talk about me and you talk about you, and all the things I do. Like its something that needs repeating.

The way I feel changes so fast. I feel like daily, I'm having to reevaluate what I want and readjust what I'm doing to be satisfied.
I know what I want. But I also know that it will be something different tomorrow.

I'm so caught up in myself that I'm disregarding my commitments. I can't get ahead. Once I make it past this Expert Project I think I will be okay. Ask me how I feel December 4th. Probably amazing. I could start another countdown just for that.
And other than that, I feel great about most things.

I need motivation. Other than that, I'm great. I'm happy.

This was one of my more pointless blogs. Sorry.

When I'm happy I rarely have much to say. Most of my blogs are so..angry and down usually. Or just funny.

This is the song for how I feel right now :)




Your loss. If you stop texting, and people stop asking, it would be gone from my head. You are just another story. Its disappointing, but hey, I like a good story.

Offer expires 12/06/09

So reads my Ihop Coupons.
These coupons could be destiny, but only before they expire.

What if our whole lives were defined by offers, with vastly important outcomes?
But they could only be fulfilled before a certain deadline?
And if, once the deadline is past, our said "fate" becomes void?

All the deadlines, ending our potential.
Our our underlying unfulfilled potential.
We will never know though, because the deadline already passed.

And I'm dreaming, tripping over you.

Well, I never wanted to become one of those girls who become attached. I'm too worrisome and analytical about you already. Its like, I worry and wonder how you feel, if everything's okay, with us particularly. I so rarely doubt myself, or question what I have. I don't know why I'm doing it this time.

Most of the time, I already feel like I can trust you. And the signs seem good. But any little thing that can be taken as bad, I'm over analyzing it. I really wish I wasn't worrying myself like this.

Things feel different. I don't want to get bored or hurt you or do something wrong. I still worry about all these things, but not so much. I feel so typical now, having these cliche doubts instead.

It could all be nothing. We could be nothing. But I hope not. I don't know what I hope for, though. I get scared easily. Of change, of commitment, and of strong feelings and emotional attachments. These are things I need to get over. I need to come to terms with my fears and move past it. And see where things go, perhaps.



So here's my song of the day:



It was on Gossip Girl and it is just fabulous :)
I'm going through quite a Mika addiction lately. Particularly for this song.

Liberation Pt. 2

And now, I'm relinquishing control, letting go of the constraints and pressures regarding decisions for my future.

I will let go of any notions I have of setting a plan anytime soon. I will wait until April to make my final decision.
That is, tomorrow, I will call the financial aid people at Duke. If it is financially a possibility, I will apply and hope. Its a big dream, but I have to try. I won't know until April if I am accepted.
I won't know until April where I'll be spending the next several years of my life.
I hoped I would know before now. But I think I've said it before. Someone has said it before...adventures come from planning things to be a certain way, but going and ending up somewhere else instead. Maybe not what you expected, and not what you planned.

So, by not having a plan, I leave myself with possibilities. If I am not accepted, I have Mercer. (UGA and GA State too). If I am accepted, then I have a choice.
And really, I'll be more prepared to make this choice 6 months from now. It is a long time to wait, but perhaps it will be for the better.
I will be informed, grown, and ready to make the decision then. I will be more of an adult.
And if I'm not accepted then..well hell, its about time for me to learn to deal with rejection.
And I need to learn patience, as well.

So I'm letting go of my plans, my securities. I will instead wait, and hope, and prepare for the possibilities.

I am afraid, afraid of being rejected. But if I do not try, I will spend probably the rest of my life wondering what would have happened.

Liberation

Love me, love me, love me, for exactly who I am.
If you can't, then it is truly your loss.
You don't even have to love me, I am already satisfied with the amount of love in my life.
We can just enjoy our time together here, it is growing short.
Appreciate me, respect me, trust me, is what I'm trying to say.

This morning, I have realized that if anyone wants to walk away from me, I don't have to chase after.
I don't need to chase after.
I have done no personal wrong. If you can't try to respect the choice I make, then you really don't understand me as well as I had hoped.
And once again, it is your loss.

Because right now, I'm inexplicably happy.
Just about everything, life in general.
I have what I need, plus some. I wish I had more time. I wish time would fly by.
I've come to terms with so much, now.
My future, my present, and my past.
It certainly isn't closure, but it is better.
Understanding and acceptance.

Its all about the big picture, and the little things that make it worth it all the while, too.
And putting it all together, and feeling complete.
I'm proud of what I've become.
I take credit of my past, good and bad. It had defined me.
I'm embracing my present. I'll make good use of it, because it is rapidly becoming the past.
I'm looking forward to my future. I'm completely unsure of what it holds. But I know that any choice will bring me a different sort of happiness. The choices define who I become and where my life heads. And it really is up to me, to choose the path for the rest of my life.
I am excited.


Our time here is short, and I won't spend it standing out in the cold, simply waiting for life to begin.
I'll go do exactly what I want, when I want to. No waiting.

Love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the pouring rain...

And finding a bag of gold coins, only to find out they're all filled with chocolate.
And even though he is heartbroken, he can't complain.
Cuz he was hungry in the first place.



I don't understand why I'm kicking ass at my AP Psychology, but am barely getting by in Mythology.
It could be because Psych is so much more interesting...but that isn't it. I like both, really.
I'm just doing a shitty job of applying myself.


This break has been such a non-break from stress. Seriously.
Softball is just extreme, i can't catch a second of down time from it.
And I'm feeling morally conflicted as well, on a bigger sort of issue.

But I'm allowed some fun, right?
I'm hoping for some this weekend.

And answers. I'm so beyond confused.
I hope I'm not being "typical" about this. You know, naive.
But everyone is naive sometimes...probably. Even me.
Forgive me if things go badly, please.







And this video gives me such a blast of nostalgia.
I was there, that is ME up there in the front row :)
It brings back old times, but this song also means a little bit more now..

An Adventure is..

Planning to go somewhere, but ending up doing something else instead.



I'm enjoying an already epic fall break, and listening to some epic Dance Gavin Dance.
And really hoping to go to The Fall of Troy show next weekend. And a massive haunted house.
I miss Megan alreadyyyy.
I'm ridiculously sleepy, and running on like 5 ish hours for the whole of break thus far.
Mchickkaaa.

I need a new Palahniuk.

If you want to be Passionate,

I think you should first know how to spell the word passion.


Not to be an overly cynical smartass or anything, but that seems...moderately important ;)



Incidentally, my life doesn't have much passion currently. Its too overwhelmingly busy for that.
But its okay, I feel like I'm sort of getting a lot done. College decisions are overwhelming me. Softball is taking up way to much time. I really want to start going to the gym soon. I want to be doing more for fun reading and more for fun writing again. I want to just lie down in some green green grass and do the things I do best. Which isn't much but there is no time for sitting right now.

And most importantly, over fall break, I want to have a couple of adventures. I don't know how, what with the time shortage and general lack of adventures around here. But I keep hoping.

Positive people-observations.

Often, I feel as if I focus on the bad side of people. But sometimes, I dwell on the goodness as well.

Sometimes, a stranger has the power to make my day. A 15-45 second exchange of words leaves me smiling for the next hour, for no real reason.
Some people just seem so happy, so genuine. A stranger with no bad intentions, someone just saying pleasant things because its what they feel.

Its like the Black truck driver fellow at the gas station that one time. All we did was talk about the weather while we pumped our gas, but he was just so sincerely happy that the sun was shining again. So happy it was contagious.

When these people walk out of my life forever, mere seconds after we met, a small part of me misses them. A large part of me wishes them a happy life. Anyone with the power to make a stranger smile deserves the best.

To myself, I hope that these people find something amazing.
People that often go unnoticed. Often in the public service industry. Truck drivers and janitors and such. People who do their jobs under the radar, but are glad to exchange happy words with anyone who is willing.
It just seems so...hopeful.
I hope these people are happy.
And I hope someone makes them feel appreciated. Because they make me smile.

But then again, I think I just like talking to strangers in general sometimes.

Happy October!

Maybe its a nice change of month. I'm certainly feeling a lot of things right now.

I feel like I'm growing up. But that is still quite a struggle.
I feel appreciated. Like I really do matter to a few certain people, at least.
And most importantly, I feel hopeful. Like I have more control, and I'm sort of going the way I would like to. And this is exciting.

I've heard a lot of great things from people lately. So much that I forget it all.
But today, i was told a great quote. "Happy emotions lead to happy bodies." This can be taken in multiple concepts, but for some reason I like it.

So lets all have lots of happy emotions.
:)


Ohhh and, today I found out about Chuck Palahniuk's new book in progress. Its quite exciting!!
And, he is putting out a book of stories from fans and such. From a Writer's Workshop kind of thing. I would absolutely die for an opportunity like that. Maybe one day, I'll get it. But I still need to create that epic story..

Failed Pickup Line #639.

"Hey, would you be interested in hanging out and getting hammered sometime?"


No, thank you.

Gentlemen please, hear me when I say, ^^^that^^^ is the perfect example of how NOT to come on to a girl.


I don't expect total chivalry or anything, but class and integrity are nice.
Not to mention, that is the LEAST interesting thing a person could ask me to do.

Like, the idea of getting hammered with a weird old myspace stalker that I've never met has absolutely no appeal...I simply have no desire or motivation to do that.
I'd rather sleep.
Or hunt for buried treasure.
Or dye my hair.
Or...*anything*.
Or nothing.

Hahahahahahahahahaha. People are such lameasses.

:)



P.S. The guy just told me it was my loss.
Hahahahaha times ten billion. No words can express this amusement.

Epiphanies.

I've had several of these in the last 30 minutes.
I don't know why.


I've realized that, in regards to something, it is all about security.
Which may or may not last forever.
It is what it is. And security is preferable to insecurity.
Who can blame anyone for that?

I've realized that, my big future is rapidly approaching and I'm going from excited to scared to confused like crazyyyy.
But its gonna be all new, regardless. I hope that there is no "wrong" decisions here because either way I'm giving up a lot.
And the choice I make is obviously going to seriously impact who I become.
Ohhh, big huge massive decision, maybe bigger than any I've ever made in my life!


And finally I've realized that, maybe I've made a mistake.
I passed up my own security. I gave up someone because he didn't blow me off my feet.
But what if mutual love never does?
What if its never as beautiful and desirable as the unrequited?
Simply because, it doesn't leave anything to be desired, but all already available for the taking?
I could have felt so safe, so taken care of, so sure of where we stood.
But I'll give it up again and again for more ambiguity.
And maybe that is the wrong choice.
I choose to be alone, I need to accept that.



That was all incredibly vague, and I doubt anyone will know what I'm referring to completely. Its like 3 different situations....it makes sense to me now.
A lot has become clear :)

Here goes my countdown:

Countdown to what?? I'm not sure yet.

But I know this. The whole point is, I'm trying to cheer myself up. This is hard, because I can still hear my parents downstairs bitching.
Ahh, now my Ipod is in.

I have two choices here: I can either find a way to cheer myself up, or let myself stay down.
I don't feel like bitching about how unfair anything is. Or how ignorant some people are.


I would like to count down:
5 months until my birthday.
8 months until I graduate.
10 months (approximately) until I get to start over fresh. Where the hell that will be, I don't know anymore.


My point is. I've never felt this alone/neglected/hurt/generally annoyed in a very long time.

I don't want to dwell in this. I want to think about how its only a matter of months until I don't have to deal with this anymore.
But I can't just forget the present.
Because at some point, I have to go downstairs. And I have to talk to my parents. And I have to go to school, and interact with people, and deal with current situations all around.
I can't just hide for months.
I have to deal with the fact that I am currently grounded. And that my mom blames my friends for any aspect of me that she doesn't like.

And that I feel like shit right now.
And I have nobody to call.



I consider myself a very capable, responsible, and intelligent person. But none of that matters when you are still just a kid, subject to all sorts of unfavorable treatment from other people. I can't do anything about who my parents are and how they treat me.
I just wish somebody cared.

Busy.

My to do list is a mile long.

I'm officially filling out college applications.

Megan is finally mobile again, with some nice wheels.

e e cummings has officially dazzled me with amazing poems.

I can't recall the last time I was truly bored, with nothing to do.

Life feels pretty extreme right now, but in a good way.



:)

If this is how one moves into the future, then its all worth it.

I should be sleeping.

But instead I'm thinking about writing. In fact, now I'm blogging about writing.
Which makes no sense. It has nothing to do with anything related to today, or recently, or, well, any sort of relevance to anything.
But the fact is, I've been lying in my bed for pretty much the past half hour thinking about it. And I can't sleep because my brain isn't shutting down. Which sucks.

But what I've been thinking: For a significant portion of my life, I've enjoyed writing. The past several months, I've hoped (secretly) to myself and to close compadres of mine that some thing could actually come of it. Mostly, I want to out put some meaningful thing that will impact somebody for the better. I want writings and stories and quotes that make somebody just go "Oh wow. Never thought of it like that before." or "maybe there is something to it all" or stuff like that.
Its what I want to do with my future, really. Most people have dreams of careers and families and homes and such. That stuff, hasn't really meant much to me yet. I'm excited, but those aren't my goals is what I mean. My goal is to impact a few people, influentially and for the better. I want to inspire and create some lasting positive impact.
And writing has always been my own outlet. I won't go into massive detail or anything, but its like, when I was a little kid, I would always get these little journals and have a great story in mind. And after like two chapters, get bored, and get a new book and a new story. This was when I was like a 7 year old spaz. Then for a while I went through that typical tween journal phase. Bleck, no big deal.

But now, I really use writing to cope. And I like to feel like I'm creating something.
But maybe I'm not.
Because recent learnings in my literature class have illuminated me to what it means for something to be "meaningful literature."
And now I look at what I create.
My "poems" are probably devoid of imagery, metaphor, conciet, or whatever it takes to be significant. Hell, they don't even have rhyme scheme or structure. They aren't even poems. They are words.
And my blogs are worse. Emotional purging, me at my saddest or maddest, usually. Plus, blogs and lists put me to ease on nights like this. I can sleep after I empty my thoughts.
These aren't great creations. And I'm scared to try to write something real. Where do I start? And worse, what if I don't finish? I'm notorious for not finishing.

I like my stories, in my head, that I tell to others. I want people to want to go out and read them, and enjoy them.
I don't even know how great writing happens now. Or if it does. With internet and audio books and great information leaks and such, great literature seems to be growing a thing of the past.
Works like those of Tolkien, Rand, Emerson, Etc, just aren't happening anymore. My generation is all about fucking Stephenie Meyers.

I personally love any thing created. I like to look at something and feel like this was once somebody's brain child, that they poured their heart into making this. Great painters like Dali and Michelangelo. Anything that was loved by somebody, and then impacted others.
I want to do that. On a smaller scale, obviously. Its ridiculous to think one could become so big. But still. For me, its writing and stories.


That was long and ridiculous and pointless, probably.
I don't think I established anything, except that I have a goal too. A goal that apparently, takes a lot more literary devices and symbolism than I encorporate probably. I feel off base with all of this. Like all along, it was something just for fun, with no global purpose anyway. Haha. It was a lovely dream. And it still is.
I just don't get how it happens in today's world.
I'm not making sense anymore, probably.


Buuuut, I think I'm good to go to sleep now.
Goodnight :)

I swear, one day...

I'll be beautiful and mature and sophisticated.

Maybe I'm just not there yet.
And maybe love finds those that are already like that.

I wish I looked like that.
I wish I was like that.
But I can't be.


I'm still a dorky kid. I don't know when (or if) that will change.

Love me for that, if you could.
And if you can't, then I guess I'll just keep waiting.
I am who I am, and only time can change it, I guess.
I can't just snap my fingers and be...whatever I need to be.

And I'm sorry.
I'm still only human, and certainly not perfect.
No one is.
I guess some people just got lucky and were better than the rest.

Some people are just so naturally beautiful.

I want to be like that.
And perhaps, I'm coming closer to it.
I think its the sort of thing that comes with age. Growing out of our awkwardness. I look at people a few years older than me, and they seem to be the most lovely.
I hope it feels lovely when I'm there.
I hope one day people look at me and think I'm naturally beautiful like that.

:)


I'm looking to the future, because the present isn't doing much for me and nothing can be done for the past.
I have a good feeling about whats to come, a few months from now.
Its no one particular thing, but just an overall hopefulness that things just will slowly go uphill from here.


I hope this feeling stays.
Please, stay. Not enough is constant lately.

You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first.






There is so much I could be doing.
But I would rather just listen to this all day.
Its rather perfect, really.

Emotional Purging.

So, instead of doing homework or something else constructive, I'm going to keep blogging.

Here is an epic list of things that are currently annoying me.


People who write on bathroom walls. Or worse, people who write on those walls, saying something like "only stupid people write on bathroom walls. You are retarded." No, you are. People write the stupidest things, too. Its never profound, and rarely grammatically correct. In fact, people are often "righting" on the walls. Hahaha.
Hearing about the swine flu. Just stop talking about it. Its been the latest fad to panic over for the past several months. I'm not saying we aren't going to die or anything, but I'm bored of hearing about it.
Insults. I'm incredibly sick of people telling me that I'm stupid, or that my hair looks bad. If you honestly think I'm stupid, you clearly are an ignoramus. And if you think my hair looks bad, well, you can just kiss my ass.
Not having enough time. I contribute this to softball, school, and other obligations that are absolutely plaguing my life right now.
"Hey" Texters. Especially those that send me a "hey" or a "wuts up" every day, or even twice a day. If I'm not writing back, either say something more interesting, or just leave me alone.
Missing people. And no, I'm not taking about the Kristi Cornwell Gone Missing sort of thing. I mean, I miss people. People just leave, or we grow apart for no apparent reason. Whats worse, I don't know how to fix this, because I don't have the time. Its a complicated balance.
Not being able to chill out enough. I want to just sit and watch The Mighty Boosh and South Park while painting my nails or napping or coloring. That's all.
Having an empty fish tank. Its just depressing. Those fish were amazing, and beautiful, and had distinct charming personalities. Now the tank is just a void. I'm considering a hermit crab, but I don't know enough about them.
Having to fund raise all the time. I'm always selling tickets for something, that no body really wants to buy.
Negative self image. I'm sick of myself, and I'm sick of being sick of myself. This is getting old.
Chronic Fatigue. I hope this is just some teenage phase. I can't spend my whole life just wanting to sleep randomly for no apparent reason.
Senior Pictures. I don't know why, but I really just don't want to take them.
This damn weather. Its too hot, or too rainy. And in my school, its always too cold. Never comfortable anywhere, it is, anymore.
Fall formal. To go or not to go? Every year, I swear I won't. Then something happens, and I end up there anyway. If I go, I at least want a cute dress and a good time this year.
Technology. My computer is slow, my phone keeps shutting off for no reason, and it takes too long to update my ipod. So much for being modern.


I'm done bitching for now :)
I'm really a happy person, ironically enough. This makes me sound so angry. But really, it makes me feel cleansed to get it all out...
Maybe next time I'll write about things I love or something.

Ready to let go of ancient sentiments.

This mostly regard the physical possesions of mine that clutter my abode. Well, my mental burdens too. But mostly, I'm so ready to get a fresh start from all of this. Childhood books, toys, and decorations still fill this place where I sleep. Things I once loved, reminding me of who I no longer am.

I am ready to start with an empty room. And do with it exactly what I want. This could be one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done.

I feel like I dwell constantly on this fresh start in my future; but I need it. I am tired of looking at these things, that have no relevance to my life now. They are taking up space that could be filled with more applicable things. I'm ready to make room in my life for new things.

I can't do this, yet. But I will, soon.

I want to go to Georgia State. I want to be in Atlanta. I want to be living with Megan. I want to be near Shane and all my other friends considering the Atlanta area. This is what I need. Fuck all the pressures people are putting on me. I want to go there for a year. And figure some things out. And go from there.

And when I go, I can take with me exactly what I want to take. And leave the thing I am ready to move beyond.

The countdown has began. These next few months of my life, nine, to be exact, will be difficult and defining of what happens after this. Please, I want to make the best of it.

Hm...the whole nine months thing. Maybe its like being pregnant. Hahah. Epic conciet. Think about it..I'm a dork.
:)

Greek Love - And Modern Love

I was doing one of my Greek Mythology assignments, and I found on assignment to be very interesting. We had to read several stories of Greek love, and then make comparisons to contemporary situations, choosing a story that accurately reflects some aspect of love today.
Interestingly enough, these stories could be about contemporary issues. This is comforting in a way, to think that the good and bad of love are timeless, and that other people have obviously gone though this before. That is just common sense, but its nice to see this kind of thing glorified through the Greeks. This stuff happened centuries ago! That is pretty fantastic if you ask me.

Take the story of Apollo and Daphne. Apollo spent so much time and energy chasing Daphne, described as his first love. The more he chased, the more elusive she became. She ran until she turned into a tree, and the only way Apollo got to have her was as an ornament, using her branches for a crown, a bow, etc. Obviously, this is much more metaphorical. Its like, how we chase who we first love, no matter how unrequited it may be. We may never give up, but do we ever catch up, and get what we want? Apollo didn't. All he got were the remains of a potential love, physical objects that don't compare. Of course, most people aren't necessarily as elusive and opposed to love as Daphne. But it happened. This is unrequited, and I see it so much right now.
Take the story of Pygmalion. In a way, it relates to the first. But Pygmalion grows so tired of women that he gives them up, to instead fall in love with a statue of his own creation. He dresses it up and plays up the aspects he wants, making it perfect but not real. This could also be unrequited, but being in love with the idealistic version instead of something real. We fall for someone, worshiping the aspects we think are great, ignoring what we don't want to see or believe. Its not real, but its perfect. It could be our dreams of how we wish it could be, but this is what we will never really have.
Then there's the story of Cupid and Psyche. I don't like this one as much, mostly because I've already analyzed it to death for my class. But anyway, this story basically depicts a fickle kind of last resort love. That is my opinion, at least, but most people seem to really like this story. It seems, most people think that this is love. I hope this isn't love. Cupid and Psyche annoy me.


Our issues are timeless, we are just more people doing the same old thing that's already been done. Beautiful, phantasmal, epic situations that play over and for no one's amusement. Maybe we can learn from the past, but I think that one has already been tried as well. We are living these stories, like millions of people already have. We will eventually find some conclusion, but not anything original. Maybe it will be new for us, what we wanted or didn't want. To the rest of the world, its just another story with a predictable end. But to yourself, it can be as monumental as you want it to be. Tell your own story, exactly how you want it to be.

Invisible.

Is how I've felt today.

Its like, walking down the halls and seeing people I know and waving, only for them to not wave back.
Not because they don't like me, but because today, they didn't see me.

Emotionally, I feel like others see me as nothing more than a paper doll. A person made out of popsickle sticks. Something without the ability to feel.
Why else do they throw around their words?

Last night, I've been called things many times worse than anything I've ever been called before. It was so bad because, it was all false.
A person whose sole intention was to say enough bad things to hurt me, to make me feel as bad as he feels.
People do this, and this is what makes humanity pathetic.

We deal with our pain by trying to make others feel worse; but when all you do is hate, you can you ever expect to find love?
Through this, you abolish love, making it impossible in your low depths of spite.
To me, this sounds like hell. If I believed in hell, it would be a place like this.
Where your goal is to bring people down.
Lower than yourself, even. Pure, selfish ignorance.

How do we find hope in a world like this?
With only a handfull of people that I can actually trust?

All you have is yourself. Because to the rest of the world, you might one day become invisible.
And if you lose yourself a long the way, then you really do have nothing.


Instead of sulking, hating, crying, or trying to bring people down, why don't you try to make yourself happy?
Or try to make some small bit of the world a better place?


You haven't brought me down, none of you. I've only seen that I'm a much better person, a much more intelligent person, and a stronger person than most of you.

And this is your problem. You are the one that will spend the rest of your life filled with hatred. Looking for flaws. Try to find real joy in something.
Because at some point, you can't go back, and the rest of your life is spent in mediocrity.

Since I'm here, starting a new year (and my last one here)...

I find this blog to be rather necessary. And honestly, I meant to write it last night. It would have been more effective. But things came up, and i couldn't.
So here it goes now..

Basically, I wanted to make a list, of all my goals/intentions/aspirations/whatever for this next year. It seems like an important one, one that will probably play a huge role in defining my future. And this is my list:
I need to separate myself from people who aren't beneficial for me. This will be one of the hardest things on my list, probably. I'm still maintaining friendships with people who do nothing for me but bring me down. I've been distancing myself from all of this, but I still have a long way to go. So, if you can't be genuine with me, I guess I'm done trying to be genuine with you. You aren't worth it. I am. Difference being, I'm truly capable of a genuine friendship...most of you aren't, at this point.
I need to work on keeping the peace in my own home. I don't know how to do this, yet. But I'm rational, and I need to find a way to keep things happier around here. Making the best of it for one more year.
I need to figure out where I'm going, after I leave here. At this point, I'm incredibly torn between Mercer and Georgia Southern. Its getting hard, with so many people trying to influence me to one, or the other, or even to other places. I need to block some of this out, and find the best decision for me.
I need to better my eating habits. This is pretty broad. I've been working on improving my eating, only eating when I'm hungry, and making healthier food choices. Now, I need to work on cutting out caffeine and sugar, and drinking more water. This is going to be hard. I also need to cut out a 'bad habit' that I have. Not sure if I'm motivated enough for this one, though.
I also need to better my exercise habits. Some crunches or stuff at home, for now. Once softball is over, I hope to start going to the gym with Megan. Stuff like this will only help me to feel better.
I need a guy to be constant in my life. All my guy friends come and go, and I don't know why. Girls will stay and be consistent, but I can't become close with a guy and maintain it for a long period of time. I'd like to change that.
I need to manage my time. This includes getting my schoolwork done quicker, and less procrastinating. This also means less time spent wasted on myspace!
I need to keep doing things just for me, that make me happy. This is probably the most important thing of all. I need to find a way to move forward with my life, and enjoy my time in this town.

These are just a few of my goals. Some of them are going to be pretty difficult.
But it will surely be worth it :)

I need a good, happy, productive senior year.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

Its driving me crazy here. Not this town, I don't mind it so much. Another year here doesn't cause me angst. I can patiently await that escape.
But I have fully outgrown this house that I live in now, I have realized that. Living here is burdening me, and my parents. They won't admit it.

First off, I'm really upset right now, because my mom just took my phone away because I was in my sisters room, talking to her, and it kept my mom awake. I don't know why this even constitutes taking my phone away. Much less, the way she kept repeatedly yelling at me to "Shut up!"
It just seems so out of line. She won't listen to reason, she just screams and cusses. Both of my parents do, its like I'm the rational adult. I need rational people in my lives. I'm on the verge of tears here, because I'm not being treated the way I deserve.

And at the same time, I am a burden to them as well. Our patterns don't mesh, and it is nobody's fault. I am a night person. I often work nights, its what I prefer. I'm out late. I come home and have things to do, and it keeps them awake. We are on different sleeping and daily routines that just won't work.

Plus, my eating patterns are different. I'm working on being more healthy, and only eat when I'm hungry. I'm slowly growing where I prefer 5 small meals a day. My family are fanatics for 3 large meals, eaten when they are prepared, regardless of if I'm hungry or anything. Plus, they are really into fried/southern/pork lots of stuff I don't like. Our tastes are just different. And I feel guilty because I often don't eat when they do, and what my mom has worked to cook. I worry that i hurt her feelings by not eating her meals, but I just don't like some things.

My sense of aesthetics is different from theirs. My sense of morals and ethics are much different from theirs. My goals of living are different from theirs.
In some homes, compromises could be met. But as I said before, my parents aren't the most rational people. Especially when they become angry, which happens easily. Plus, they think that their age makes them superior and always right over me. Which is right in some cases, but they aren't able to look at different perspectives and see that I'm just plain different from them. Compromise can't be reached, I fear.

And I have approximately nine months here. Please, don't see me as some typical teen hating on their parents/home life. It isn't like that. I understand that my parents are good people in many ways. Their way of living is just different from mine now, as I have matured into my own person now. I consider myself a a young adult, not just a child anymore. And their lives are constituted by Samantha, now, anyway. All their routines and choices revolve around her. Just another reason why there is less room for me. Its like a puzzle, and my piece just doesn't fit in anymore.

And beside of the aforementioned reasons why I am better not here, is that I actually am responsible and capable of living on my own in every way, except with the exception of necessary finances. I know how to cook, clean, and generally take care of myself. More specifically, I have developed many skills that most teens don't really think about, mostly from working at Wendy's I got these. I've learned to clean other peoples toilets and bathrooms, take out trash, vaccuum and mop excessively, clean every random utility you can imagine, wash dishes, and just generally maintain order.
I know how to be responsible for myself, manage my time, even manage my money. Except I don't have money to manage.

The bottom line here is, I'm ready to move out. My learning here is pretty much done. I feel like a burden. I feel angry and suffocated. I feel guilty. I feel grateful that I am loved, but afraid that my parents don't truly understand and appreciate who I am. I feel scared because I have nine more months here. I feel alone, but mostly because I don't have my phone and so I can't here anyone's voice right now. And sometimes, you just need someone to tell you that you're gonna be okay.

As if this all wasn't enough..

You have become the standard, of which no one else is meeting.

Every conversation, I look for the quirks that were yours.
But these other people, obviously aren't you.
And so, they fail my tests.


No one can compare, and there is nothing they can do about it.
Nothing I can do about it.


Late night talks, I'm looking for those epic stories.
Won't someone else be able to give me those, at least?

Now I'm on my own, I can't let you go.

Okay so, I'm super tired, and I have to get up and work tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna try to make this short.
But i just feel like saying a few things.


Firstly, I'm feeling a tiny bit let down about the events of this summer. Not to say that it has been bad in any way. I've had many great times with many great people. I wouldn't trade these times.
But I haven't had many of those truly incredible times, those that you replay over and over. Days that could change your life.
I haven't gone all the places, met all the people, done all the things that I wanted. And I'm certainly running out of time.

I guess I'm just going to have to deal. Maybe I have my whole life for this kind of thing.
I need to get more focused on all the things I need to get done, instead of all the undefined things I wish to have happened this summer.

But hey, if you are reading this, we still have two weeks left. Lets make it a damn good two weeks :)
And a good year, also. How bout it, yo?


Secondly, I'm sick of people growing a part for me for no legit reason.
I don't really love just anybody, and when I do become real, genuine friends with a person, it kills me for her/him to just end up pushing me away.
And not giving me a reason.
And while I"m on this, all these people literally leaving and never coming back is getting damn old too.
Thanks Megan, for assuring me that you won't leave!


Thirdly, ....well. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of blogging right now, because I'm starting to rant instead of articulating intelligently. Damn.

Thats it for now then..

Lock the doors, turn out the lights, remove all your clothes.

I really just want to move forward with my life. I feel stuck, here on pause, just like I was 6 months ago.
Someone come along and break me out of this. It feels like I'm frozen in place. And the whole world around me, is either frozen or part of this giant clockwork machine.

And this scares me even worse. I'm so young, and I'm already getting sucked into the monotony of average American life. Financial troubles, obligations, mature decisions, less time for fun. I'm growing up, whether I like it or not. Every day I'm closer to being on my own. In a way, this is very frightening. Not because I'm afraid of failure in the typical sense. That just isn't likely to me. What I am afraid of, is that some choice I'm making now is going to determine how frozen I become in the clockwork of every day life.
Its hard to explain in the right words.
I don't want to become one of those cookie-cutter adults, those stuck in their lives. Financial worries or responsibilities or SOMETHING weighs people down, and, at some point, I think most people stop seeing the beauty of things (if they ever did to begin with). They become so consumed by some aspect of their adult lives that they stop living. They become a by product of this consumer-economy driven industry, just another piece trying to earn enough money to stay alive.

I don't see joy in this.
I have to catch myself at that crucial moment, whenever it may be, and retain a bit of my youth.
I want to be able to be carefree, to stop and just enjoy how pretty the sky is. To think. To write. To engage in thoughtful and fulfilling conversation.
I want my life to be more than earning enough to get the bills paid. More than raising kids and hoping that they get into the right college.

I don't want living to become an obligation.

I've always been afraid of getting old in the physical sense. But now, the full impact of growing old emotionally has hit me. I don't want it to happen to me. Ever.

But at the same time, I want to get out of this way that I'm frozen.
Nothing big is happening; none of those epic nights or insane revelations.

But those things come and go. I just don't want to wake up one day and realize that I grew past all of that.
That I'm too old, and too trapped.
I don't want an ordinary, cookie-cutter, step by step to reach this goal, life.
I don't want it to be all about reaching these pointless achievements meaningless outside of average corporate America.

I want to find an environment and a lifestyle that supports...whatever way I want to live. Retaining my youth and all that.
Being allowed to think, and question, and laugh, and do things just because.
Being able to appreciate the randomness and beauty of...everything.

Mostly, I don't want to become tied down to something that will keep me forever trapped in this just-barely-living life.
And every time my life gets paused, and the huge impacts stop for a while, it scares me.
Because I can't imagine my life being put on pause repentantly, instead merely fulfilling some small role in today's average world, where success is measured in so many terms that simply don't matter, and provide no satisfaction outside of the working world.

Spare me this monotonous pseudo-existence, and instead help me in instead living for real, personal satisfaction and discovery.

Give me envy, give me malice, baby give me a break.

So I feel like shit, and I can't sleep. So I'm gonna write a blog, but I'm gonna do something a little bit different. I'm gonna list all the things I really dislike, starting with what is bothering me right now.

- Damn myspace and its shitty problems. Its always something. (Like right now, my bullitens won't post. I've posted the same one three times tonight, and it hasn't actually gone up yet. And its important too. If bullitens worked, I probably wouldn't even be blogging right now.)
- Feeling like shit and not being able to sleep. (Thats my other problem right now.)
- People who are total annoying fanatics over Twilight. Especially those fangirls who are all like, "I'm Mrs Cullen." (Shut the fuck up, bitch. You aren't married to a fictional character. Dumbass. Oh yeah, and have I ever mentioned that, if you want to love a fictional character, there are way sexier, less cliche ones out there? Actually try reading something that isn't Twilight.)
- Fangirls in general. Its creepy.
- And fanboys. (Especially those random guys that I seriously don't recall ever meeting, that leave me wierd Myspace comments, or worse, come up to me in person and are all like "remember that time we talked about...blah blah." No, I don't remember. And no, I don't care. I don't like creepy stalker fanpeople.)
- Slow drivers.
- People who don't use their blinkers. (All you have to do is move your hand about an centimeter! How hard is that?)
- People who are seriously hating on Obama, just because he is Black, and/or has a Muslim name. (Dumbass. Get a little educated and get over ignorant prejudices. What more is there to say, that you could possibly understand?)
- Indoctrination. (I understand, some people do need religion. But if we stopped indoctrinating kids, less people would grow up using religion as a crutch. Plus, getting saved/babtized/whatever in fucking elementary makes absolutely no sense anyway to begin with. Like, you can't make legal decisions about sex until you are 17, about tobacco until you are 18, and about alcohol until you are 21. But you can make a serious decision about the eternal salvation/damnation of your soul at the age of 8?!?! I think not. Your mind does not even begin to have the capacity to understand the weight and implications of the "decision" you are making. Thus, indoctrination, of children into something they don't even understand. A form of brainwashing, seriously.)
- People who say other people are going to Hell, and are serious. (Since when were you God? Go ahead, damn me to Hell then. Hypocrite. The "point" of religion is to love everybody, I was told, yet no one lives it. )
- People who say "I hate drama" or something like that on their Myspace page or whatever. (No one has ever claimed to like it. Yet everyone causes it. Stop being so self righteous, please.)
- The time lost while sleeping. ( I love sleeping, I do I do, but just thinking about how one third of my life is spent horizontal and unconscious sort of depresses me.)
- Overly sexual people. (We all have our whole lives, hypothetically, to do whatever we want. You don't have to get your hand down somebody's pants within the first five minutes of making out. Overly anxious freaks.)
- Underly sexual people. ( I honestly don't understand the whole concept of wanting to have sex with only one person for your whole life, but I can try to respect it. I really can't understand wanting to only have one love/one kiss/whatever though. Get out there and have some experiences.)
- People who leave. (That sounds really vague, and that's because it is. Really cool people keep randomly leaving, vanishing, and going fuck knows where for extended periods of time. Only to finally come back here, and yet be so vague that I can't find them. I miss a ton of people who just...left.)
- Curfews. (I'm a night person. I have the most fun at night. Let me have my fun, please.)
- People who leave, emotionally. (Its not cool to just leave me hanging. If you really wanted to cut all ties with me, I could understand. Or at least give me some closure. All these maybes and vagueness sucks. Oh yeah, the people I'm talking about with this, are ones that I miss.)
- People who don't call when they say they will.
- People who call too much, when I clearly don't want to talk to you.
- People who text too much. (If I'm not writing back, take the hint.)
- Secret players. (Just be upfront about your playing, and I'll be happy.)
- Falling too fast. (This includes me falling too fast for people that I shouldn't, and also people who fall too fast for me and I just can't make myself give a shit about you. This also includes anybody who has the date they started going out with somebody all over their myspace/whatever, and they've been going out for like two weeks. Or a month. Lameass.)
- People in "love." (I wish I could ask every one of you what love means to you. I know you don't have it.)
- Real love. (Its not that I don't like it, its just that it is such a trickster.)
- Audio books. (What the fuck.)


Okay, thats all for now.
I just looked at my television and the video for You Belong With Me is on!!
I'm gonna rock out to that, watch The Mighty Boosh, and hopefully get some sleep.

Fer sure maybe, fer sure not.

I just realized how much I've grown up in the last six months or so. Its not to say I haven't thought about it, in a roundabout way, before. But it just hit me how far I've come. Things have clicked, and I guess I'm seeing things in a new way. Its just my past, sure, but I like to understand it.
I was reading an old message, from someone who doesn't matter now. He mattered then, and reading it now I see all the things I didn't, couldn't have been able to see before. How I was nothing but an object. Had I known, I could have dealt. But I didn't know.
I'm not even slightly bitter. I've grown so much from that. I really think of it as a turning point for me. In so many ways. That night was one that brought several firsts for me. Things that I've incorporated into my life since then. Sort of defining me. It also set a precinct for what was next to come. I found myself leaning on someone new, someone who became crucial for the next couple of months. That night sort of was a turning point. While it didn't feel epitomal at all, what resulted from it carried over into my future in multitudinous ways.

But the important thing, that I realized tonight, was the way I allowed myself to be played. There was so much I didn't know. I learned fast. I guess these past 6 months are the ones where I've really grown up. Adult decisions. I've been managing my own life in so many ways. I wasn't in control then, really. I was a victim, who stumbled into something potentially dangerous but instead grew from it.

I don't regret a thing. I want to acknowledge how much I've developed, mentally and emotionally. How much more in control I am now, and how much more aware.

I guess this means I need to stop being afraid, and keep facing my challenges. New shit. Because its now I continue growing. And I'm certainly durable enough to come out alright. Now.

Take it home take it home cuz I've been waiting all night for you.

I feel really bittersweet right now. Because, for the most part, my life is awesome and I'm so beyond happy with it all.
But then, I realize that even though I love so many people, so few, almost none really, have that flawless honesty and justifiable humanity that i wish everyone had.
Virtually no one gives everyone else the respect they deserve.
So few people are able to move past trivial bullshit, and just let go.
And so few people possess true intelligence.

Just thinking about it depresses me. Not to sound elitist, but I feel like such a minority. Its rather scary. Like...it makes me think of Idiocracy.
With all these flawed humans reproducing so rapidly, what will become of the world?

Honestly, its not my problem. I'll be dead before things get so unbearably trivial as that. But it still saddens me. We will be the downfall of ourselves.

And this is evident in 98% of the people that I know.

And that is the bitter part of the way I feel.


I feel sort of trippy right now though, what with being so tired and all. I had a busy busy day at work today, and now I'm watching a bit of the old Clockwork Orange.
I'll be asleep shortly, but if I'm not, I'll be watching Amadeus.

I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you.

So there really is nothing to do when the power goes out. I just got home, and I haven’t even got to blog yet, because there is no internet! Ironically, I’m typing this on a word file because I obviously can’t access blogspot right now. I can save this, and post it later…
Basically, my choices with no power are to: Sleep; read The Handmaid’s Tale, continue sending pointless texts, or begin some blog. And so, the latter is what I choose. I don’t really know where I’m headed with this blog, like so many others that I begin. I’m still feeling a lot of things, which is so preferable to feeling nothing. BUT I don’t know what I should focus on. I don’t want to rant cryptically about topics in such a vague way that no body understands, yet I want to deal with what is going on.
But really, so much is going on with me. I don’t know where to focus…hmmm….

Well, two days ago I visited Georgia Southern University and pretty much fell in love. I see myself there, I really do. Getting accepted isn’t an issue for me, honestly. But I’m still sort of dealing with some angst about the whole growing up thing in general. I need to make a choice on my major. And THIS is something that has led to a lot of thought for me lately..
Its like, all the people I admire most have something that they are passionate about. Music, science, writing, etc. These people have focus, goals, and just so much passion for something. And I DON”T have that about any one particular thing. And this has really worried me ever since my college visit. I’m afraid to make a choice about my future, because I can’t focus such intense feelings on any one topic. And I want to live passionately like these other people. I don’t want to be missing something here. I want to feel that way about some aspect of life. It really scares me that I don’t have some passion. I don’t want to be just some goalless, faceless person in the crowd; and these focused people are the ones that stand out to me, the ones that are truly the most amazing. I’m so worried that I’m not amazing like that.
I am pleased and fascinated by so many aspects of life. But I want some BIG THING to live for, that thing that gives me purpose, drive, and the ability to stand out. I hope this doesn’t sound cliché or trite; I am so sincerely worried that I am missing some vitality here.


Okay, on past that. Out of the future and diving right into the present, I guess, and my current people issues.

I’ve had a lot of time to clear my head. The past few days in particular, I’ve went away with just a few people. I’ve gotten time to myself that I needed, and as far as current things go, I’ve made some sense of what I feel. Most importantly, I realized that time to myself is really crucial for me to be happy. People who give me my space and understand complete that happiness. I need understanding yet independence. Realizing that to a full extent has made so much more clear to me.

Right now, there are dozens of things I want to say about this; I really don’t know where to go with it. I guess the bottom line is, I’ve seen how truly great a friend can be, and how truly great a boy can be. I know the potential of people to be amazing, and I don’t have to settle for anything less, friend wise or relationship wise. I don’t want to be anyone’s crutch, or bootycall, last resort, or free ride. I’m more than that, and other people are, too. I don’t need people like this anymore. I’m able to make the choice.

If it was up to me, I would have figured you out way before the year clocked out. I hope you're waiting.

I'm not really sure what I want to blog about. I have a lot going through my mind right now. But I'm thinking a lot about relationships and love and all of that fun stuff. I've been watching everyone, and firstly, I've come to this conclusion: most people are going absolutely crazed now that it is summer. Looking for a relationship or fling or whatever. It is really funny.

But that isn't really that important, just a fun fact.
Well...I guess it is important in that I feel like I'm hurting people. I don't mean to. I just want to hang out and have fun. I like meeting new people and maybe becoming friends.
And that isn't working out for me, because guys are expecting some sort of commitment.

And I can't do that.
I don't feel torn, or hurt, or whatever cliche thing. It isn't like that.
I'm just not looking.
The majority of the world is looking it seems, for someone to throw themselves at, to enter another person's life. I don't know why, I guess it is a summer thing. For some, it even seems like an act of desperation, a need for something, anything, even though it isn't making you happy.
(and that, could rant about in a whole new chunk. I might do that later tonight, if I feel like it and remember...)
My point being, I'm actually totally not looking. I've been thinking a lot about me, and what I want, and who. And I'm very confused.
I wish I could want to be with one of these guys, so obviously readily available right here to be whoever I need them to be. But I don't want that. I wish I did. To have that, would be so easy. And so effortless.
And so unsatisfactory.
Because I know how much better things can be. And I don't know why so many people choose to settle. I don't want to even talk about love, because so many people have so many preconceived ridiculous gross notions about "love." So I"m not going there. I'm talking about a genuine connection, and a desire to be with a person. To want to sit and talk and just be, to know their life stories, to know what makes them tick.
That happens. Why commit to less? I totally understand living in the moment. But I"m not going to commit after those situations, unless that person fits that brief description up there, and more. Because I know that that sort of thing I described is real, it happens. Not often, but I want to get back to that.

I don't know how to get back to that. Because lately I've been thinking too much.




And here, I give an abrupt end.
You see, I wrote more, but I relocated it to my other blog instead.

I don't feel like giving this a better ending here.
But I"m leaving this, because I don't do many entries. And I'm sure that what I left here is important.

But oh, the whole world is still on my string.

I wish everyone could see, that I am a living, complex, human being. I'm not just some loser who got lucky a couple of times. I'm so much more than that.

And as human beings, we are so much more than the measure of a number, anyway. There is so much more to live for. How can you not get that? How can you become so consumed with outdoing everyone, and for what small, insignificant "reward?" What are you even working for, anyway? You probably don't even know.

Tell me your purpose. What you are striving for, in the greater picture of things. Is it heaven? Is it self actualization? Is it universal approval? Or something else? I wish someone would answer me, and do it intelligently. Make an argument, for why you wake up in the morning, what makes you tick, and go, and keep living. Because I think, underneath it all, few people even bother to think about why. Just keep going, day by day, like clockwork. We are human machines.

I wish someone could justify themselves, I just want to know what lies underneath everyone's purpose. I only know my own mind. I know what I'm striving for.

Its a sort of day by day satisfaction. If each day is all we have, and this second is the only one that's guaranteed, lets make it ultimate. Worth it. Because this all, is all that we have for sure. I want to be satisfied, and happy, and content. The exact word is hard to find. But each day, I like where I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. Not these literal goals that people set for themselves, and not some materialistic success obtained by competition. I just like where I am, and where I will be tomorrow if and when it comes.

That is the best way I can summarize what I'm all about. Some kind of infinite satisfaction. But what makes other people go, go, go, running like a maniac in a circle? And all the lashing out, shooting people down, wanting to bring down anyone who has something that you don't. Just be happy for other people. And maybe, dammit, happy for yourself for once.

There are so many beautiful things to see, and hear, and feel, and contemplate. And who bothers to care? There is more in this world than I will ever be able to fully appreciate or understand, but at least I try. Why aren't you? Why don't you care?

It is so easy and so fulfilling to sometimes just sit and be alive. Maybe I think way too much. But I find happiness in that, and everything, to such an extent that most people never bother to experience. And that would be your loss. And that, the fact that you are too busy measuring your mediocre meaningless success and worrying about mind numbing trivials, is holding you back from feeling something beautiful.

I told you that I wanted nothing more from such a simple day, and all the simple games that I play.

"Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned."
- Chuck Palahniuk.

I've been feeling a bit incoherent lately. This makes sense, and makes me think, so I'd just like to let it chill here.

Also, lately, I've just been feeling like I'm totally tripping balls. Whatever that means. Its how I feel. Like one second I'm driving around in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, and then I'm mopping the floors at Wendy's, and then I'm having a random non sexy sexual conversation with someone I've never met, and then I'm bumming cigarettes off people I barely know. And everywhere I look theres someone I know, and some potential adventure to take on. And I can be feeling overwhelmingly happy or overwhelmingly sad.

And I want something fresh, something new, something meaningful. I don't know what the fuck I"m looking for. Just something to fill this hole completely, because it is still there. I want it to be filled, and more. I want glamour and excitement and meaning. And people who understand that. I want those who ask existential questions that carry meaning, that aren't the same thing we hear before.

Make me think. Make me feel. I want to live.


I can't summarize the events of the past week and a half. Not because they have been so powerful, but because they have been so exponential.

I'm tired, and I want to get my thinking back to the way it used to be. I can't express myself the way I would like to. I can't analyize poetry like I should be. Its like I have a thinker's block. Like everything looks like some big psychodelic acid trip to me. I can't focus my energy on congitive tasks. I want to resolve this.

No way to take it all back.

Its like, there's only one person that I really want to talk to about all of this.
One person who could tell me whatever it is that I need to here.
And its the one that doesn't care to listen anymore.
Eff my life.


Its like, somehow, I always manage to make a mess out of everything.
I just go around, doing my thing, and everyone around me gets hurt.
Its a disaster waiting to happen I'm sure.
I dread tomorrow.

Upside.
Here is one of my most favorite videos ever.


It doesn't get better than that.

Fuck me, I'm a celebrity.

I had a total change of heart over the past couple of days, and I'm taking things optimistically again. I'm looking for beauty in simple things, and adventure in the ordinary, and I'm going to find something special. I feel like I'm running out of time, but there is no way around time, obviously.

So here is a bit of my weekend:
Friday night I went to graduation. It was great, I didn't really pay much attention to the ceremony, but I sat with Hillary and Austin, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I got to hang out with both of them more often. Oh yea, and I saw lots of people that I haven't seen much lately...and some that I might be better off not seeing. But hey, I can't get around people, just like I can't get around time.

Saturday. Softball tournament, which was significant in the fact that I drove by myself (finally!) I followed someone down, but I evidently didn't pay good enough attention, because when I tried to find my way home on my own later, I got completely fucking lost. Like, I was supposed to go through Lula to get to Cleveland, and I ended up in ghetto-ass downtown Gainesville. It was terrifying. I had no idea where I was, or what to do. But some incredible luck got me out and back on North 129. I don't know how the fuck I managed it, but so far, my philosophy of "just keep following the road, you will either come to a dead end or find your way out eventually, unless you run out of gas" has held though. Incidentally, this has proved an important philosophy for me, since I get lost so much. I think I coined it the night of my wreck, but didn't fully test it until a few months later, when Becca and Ansley and Kennedy and I were lost in the bumfucks of Haysville. Anyway, I'm sure it will fail me eventually.
Anyway, after I made it home, after a completely amazing beautiful drive of great music in the nightfall, I went to Wendy's. Here I learned that I don't have to work for another week. I don't know how that happened, but I'm not asking questions. I am instead taking advantage of one more free week.

Sunday. I finally made my way out to McCaysville. Becca drive, and I had no idea where I was going, and then BAM! We hit Copper Hill and I had some intense Deja Vu. We found this Mexican place where I ate a lot as a kid. See, my parents would drive out there to eat because this place served alcohol, unlike the closer ones. Ha. Ha. Anyway, I had totally forgotten about this place, and this town. It was beyond amazing though, so old fashioned and chill. And the train tracks, which I love. After that we went to this Art in the Park festival in downtown Blue Ridge. More beautiful items, more lovely train tracks. I had a great time, and got this amazing painting of the Brooklyn Bridge. I can't wait until I have my own apartment and get to decorate with these things. The wierdest thing about the trip was this random guy who talked to us for a really long time, telling us to call our boyfriends and get them to help him load his stuff or something. What the fuck man, it was hilarious. I love talking to random people.

So, this is going to be one busy summer for me. One of the oddest things, however, is the massive amount of books that I want to read.
Here is a decent list:
Post Office (already started)
Exit Here (already started)
Snuff
Bite Me (already started)
The Fountainhead
Plain Truth
Coconut Moon
Progeny
The God Delusion (already started)
Some Pentecostal book with a title I can't remember..
Some Sleepy Hollow-esque book with a title I can't remember..
An Agusten Burrows book with a title I can't remember..
The Things They Carried
The Handmaid's Tale
Freakonomics (already started)
How to Read Literature Like a Professor
The Road

And there are more I'm sure.
I guess I could kind of keep track of my progress on here.
Since I clearly won't finish all of this, but I am going to try.

So there is a lot more that I would like to type about, more importantly, the fact that I think that I'm a kleptomaniac. But that would take a while, and this is already a ridiculously long post.

So I'll end it on a very meaningful Palahniuk quote:

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

I'm learning where to stand, or to tread lightly

Currently, I'm not feeling like I should be feeling, or like I want to be feeling. I should be ecstatic, right? I'm a motherfucking senior, after all. But I don't feel any different. I still feel like a child in so many ways, and like I can't grow up, not yet. And I'm scared to grow up. But I want to. And its this great conflict. I wish I could fly away like Peter Pan, and live on an island with lost boys and pirates and fairies, just like that.

But I can't. I wish I could even just withdraw on my own for a while, but there is so much demanding me out there in the world. And I want to go out and experience it all, and I'm having a hard time balancing the choices. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

Its like there are only a few people that I want with me right now. I'm in one of those phases where I don't want to be surrounded. I want to be close to myself, and to understand what's going on with me. I'm sick of all the trivial shit; I want infinite nights and perceptive experiences.

The good news: its officially summer. I guess its the best time for new revalations. That's what I'm hoping for.

I really want to turn this confusion into a discovery; and maybe shine some clarification on this conundrum. I don't know whats going on, or where I'm at, but maybe it becomes clear and in doing so, I will grow up a bit. It is hitting me that in a year's time, I'm going out on my own. And the truth is, I don't want to live like so many young adults; using my family and friends as a crutch. I want to do this on my own, and its a large prospect. I'm lucky, and I have the ability to figure things out for myself and take care of myself. This I am sure of. But I also have this odd craving for ridiculous adventures and new experiences. I'm so afraid that I will get in over my head once I'm out of here, in a new place.

But I crave this new place like nothing that I've ever craved before. I want this change, and I need something new. I just have to find out what it is that I need, and how to make this work for me.

I need to get out of the usual rhythm and the pointless events, I think. I need to find things that matter and make them meaningful for me. To an extent, I really need to make this summer about myself and my own evolution.

Its hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet. And looking back on all of that, its nice to believe.

Hello Hello. So clearly, I don't have time to blog everyday, even though I would like to. And i only have like three minutes right now, because Becca is on here way! We are going to watch Running With Scissors, the movie!!! I'm quite excited.

So, its really random that my title for this blog is some Taylor Swift song. But basically, that song is stuck in my head. I used to love it, and I thought it was rather appropriate, seeing as how my mood has been so permanently nostalgic lately. Oh well, I'm really hoping that summer changes that.

But, despite the constant nostalgia, I have had a great weekend. Particularly Friday. We had U lympics, yearbooks, and then after that I went and ate Sushi, chilled at Megan's house for a bit, and then went to the park. Hillary and i made a really cool video, and I need to get it and put it on here.
Yesterday I had a softball tournament. It was icky. Enough Said...
And today, I haven't done anything constructive. I've been on Myspace for like three hours, and I need to clean and do Chem homework (one more week!) but I just heard Becca drive up.
I'm going to be chilling with her all afternoon, which is preferable to homework anyway I"m sure.


Bye!

Don't stop wistlin', to let them know what they've been missing. Turn the jukebox on this song we play will blow the system.

So I'm feeling pretty epic right now. I've been overwhelmingly busy for the past couple of days, and I wish I had time for a really long entry, because that would make me feel so great. But I'm so damn tired, and I want to read a bit of Invisible Monsters before I go to sleep.
But anyway, I'm really proud of myself. Because I've done a lot of my homework, for the first semester of my life, and there are SEVEN DAYS left! Yay! But less than that, almost, really. Because tomorrow is going to be awesome except for the Chem. Test. And well...I'll just type up my projected schedule for the week later.

Where did I leave off last?
Monday afternoon, I do believe. So here is a brief count of what I've been doing since then. That evening, I went into town and met Becca, and tried really hard to cheer her up because of the serious bitchassedness she has encountered lately. We ran into Trisha and Austin, which was great, because they always put me in an incredibly awesome mood. I want to hang with them both some more this summer. And then my Lit. Class went to dinner together, which is really random but it was a lot of fun. Hillary and I planned our adventure to a Hippie Festival this summer. Oh yea, and she gave me a couple of really interesting books, including one about Pentecostalism. Hah. That will be interesting. The other is about genetic engineering. ANYWAY. After that, I didn't want to go home so I chilled in the parking lot with some kids for a while, and then, when I was going home, Matt called me. That was interesting, because I don't even know who he is, but we talked for almost four hours about really profound things. It felt like my brain grew. Hah.
Next day...yesterday? I don't feel like detailing it all really, except for the part where Becca and I were driving though town, and when we get to red lights, we always rock out. And Angie from my softball team saw and, at practice, was like "I saw you rocking out at the red light." Thats pretty much all I remember from yesterday. Oh yea, my brain went numb from a Chemistry Overdose. Oh yea, and my sister told me about what all the kids in her grade say about me. Its really freaky. I could probably write a book about the wierd shit that they say, and I don't even know them. But hey, I'm honored. Its like having a fan club.

And...Today!!
(I'm already tired from all this detailing...how long can I keep it up?)
1st Block: My narcolepsy kicked in and it almost killed me trying to stay awake. I'm so excited to almost be out of that class.
2nd Block: We worked on AP questions and short stories. And Mrs. Batchelor and I agreed that the amount of AP that I'm taking next year is truly epic in itself, no doubt. I will surely die.
3rd Block: We watched some movie that I slept through. And Becca told me what the dumbasses in her class said about the allegedly graphic sex scenes in Running With Scissors. It pissed me off, because that is one of my favorite books. Honestly, its not my fault that you are too immature to deal with sex.
4th Block: Crammed for Chem while Megan and Hillary chilled in the room with me. Always fun.

After school Becca and I chilled and planned some of our Summer Adventures. And....after that I went to practice soccer for this thing that I got conned into. But it actually turned out to be fun. I want to be a soccer goalie, so I think I might try out next year. Hah, that would be so random. But, like with cheerleading, the way that it shocks people is always good.

So, tomorrow is the PowderPuff Game! And before that, I'm going to practice my soccer skills a little bit more. And maybe go to my cousin Laken's game as well. And pretty much just look forward to Friday, because it will be pretty fabulous I'm sure. Oh, and I almost forgot. Tomorrow we are taking a field trip to the Jail. I'm really excited. The funny thing is, we can't wear shorts or white tee shirts. Hah. Hah.

I just realized, my writing often sponges off of something. Alot of the time, it is Charles Bukowski. But today I feel like Charlie of Perks of Being a Wallflower....how wierd.
Speaking of Bukowski, Megan gave me Post Office today!!

=D

And I really don't know what to do, I'm a little too not over you.

So I'm feeling a tiny bit irritated right now, mostly because of cheerleading/softball/summer job conflicts. I mean, when the fuck am I supposed to actually get to spend time doing FUN things that I want to do. Ugh. I'm sick of people (my father!) being so controlling. I'm almost 18, I need to make some choices, like per say, my extracurricular commitments! Anyway...moving on.

One more topic that is irritating me before I continue: friends that have changed for the worst. Act like an asshole if you want, but don't expect me to give a fuck about you if you are going to push me away. I'm not your priority? Fine, you aren't mine either.

And now that that is out of the way, here's a bit of my day today.
1st Block: Chemistry. Nothing too eventful. That class still scares me a bit, but since the semester is almost over, I'm chilling out a bit. I think I'm actually going to come out of there with an A!
2nd Block: Lit. I fucking love that class. Today, we spent the whole time writing an essay about Their Eyes Were Watching God. I was writing about Nature as a theme, but of course, sex kept popping up. I always end up writing about sex. No shit. People keep telling me that I do, too. I don't know why, it just seems like everything that I look at becomes phallic imagery.
3rd Block: Business Law. We started Serial Killer Presentations. Becca and I didn't get to do ours yet though (we have Ted Bundy). We saw some interesting, and gross ones. My favorite was Ed Gein, the dude that inspired Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Jame Gumb of Silence of the Lambs. For real, he was one sickass dude, but very interesting. Now I really want to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre again...
4th Bock: Online Psychology (already finished for the semester though, so its kind of a study hall block). Megan was out sick today, so I was alone for a bit, but then Hillary came to visit me! That was exciting because we watched cool videos on Youtube and she told me all about Pentecostal Churches, one of which Becca and I are going to visit very soon. In fact, we are going to take a day trip out to McCaysville/Copper Hill/Ducktown/Turtletown etc. and have one big adventure. I hope we also go to Hiawassie, because I really want to go to the loft. But mostly I want to go to the Pentecostal Church. I'm not religious, but religions fascinate me.

Anyway, after school, we had a cheerleading meeting. Which mostly just stressed me out (see first paragraph).

And then I came home and read Invisible Monsters for a really long time. That is probably my second favorite book, for real. It is amazing. All about self discovery, sexual ambiguity, descruction, pill popping, plastic lives, etc etc. Its epic. Plus, it is the book that inspired one of my goals for the summer, which is to send out Advice From The Future. I don't know when I will have the opportunity to do that, but if I do, it will surely be life altering.

And now, I'm about to go it Mexican with my Lit Class. Yay!! Kind of an end of the year celebration. Which is great, because I really do love that class. I hate that it is so cold though, because I had to change out of my cute shorts and put on pants. I hate pants. Ha. Ha.

So I guess that is all for today. But here is a cute video that I really like, Hillary showed it to me one day. It makes me think, and smile.