No way to take it all back.

Its like, there's only one person that I really want to talk to about all of this.
One person who could tell me whatever it is that I need to here.
And its the one that doesn't care to listen anymore.
Eff my life.


Its like, somehow, I always manage to make a mess out of everything.
I just go around, doing my thing, and everyone around me gets hurt.
Its a disaster waiting to happen I'm sure.
I dread tomorrow.

Upside.
Here is one of my most favorite videos ever.


It doesn't get better than that.

Fuck me, I'm a celebrity.

I had a total change of heart over the past couple of days, and I'm taking things optimistically again. I'm looking for beauty in simple things, and adventure in the ordinary, and I'm going to find something special. I feel like I'm running out of time, but there is no way around time, obviously.

So here is a bit of my weekend:
Friday night I went to graduation. It was great, I didn't really pay much attention to the ceremony, but I sat with Hillary and Austin, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I got to hang out with both of them more often. Oh yea, and I saw lots of people that I haven't seen much lately...and some that I might be better off not seeing. But hey, I can't get around people, just like I can't get around time.

Saturday. Softball tournament, which was significant in the fact that I drove by myself (finally!) I followed someone down, but I evidently didn't pay good enough attention, because when I tried to find my way home on my own later, I got completely fucking lost. Like, I was supposed to go through Lula to get to Cleveland, and I ended up in ghetto-ass downtown Gainesville. It was terrifying. I had no idea where I was, or what to do. But some incredible luck got me out and back on North 129. I don't know how the fuck I managed it, but so far, my philosophy of "just keep following the road, you will either come to a dead end or find your way out eventually, unless you run out of gas" has held though. Incidentally, this has proved an important philosophy for me, since I get lost so much. I think I coined it the night of my wreck, but didn't fully test it until a few months later, when Becca and Ansley and Kennedy and I were lost in the bumfucks of Haysville. Anyway, I'm sure it will fail me eventually.
Anyway, after I made it home, after a completely amazing beautiful drive of great music in the nightfall, I went to Wendy's. Here I learned that I don't have to work for another week. I don't know how that happened, but I'm not asking questions. I am instead taking advantage of one more free week.

Sunday. I finally made my way out to McCaysville. Becca drive, and I had no idea where I was going, and then BAM! We hit Copper Hill and I had some intense Deja Vu. We found this Mexican place where I ate a lot as a kid. See, my parents would drive out there to eat because this place served alcohol, unlike the closer ones. Ha. Ha. Anyway, I had totally forgotten about this place, and this town. It was beyond amazing though, so old fashioned and chill. And the train tracks, which I love. After that we went to this Art in the Park festival in downtown Blue Ridge. More beautiful items, more lovely train tracks. I had a great time, and got this amazing painting of the Brooklyn Bridge. I can't wait until I have my own apartment and get to decorate with these things. The wierdest thing about the trip was this random guy who talked to us for a really long time, telling us to call our boyfriends and get them to help him load his stuff or something. What the fuck man, it was hilarious. I love talking to random people.

So, this is going to be one busy summer for me. One of the oddest things, however, is the massive amount of books that I want to read.
Here is a decent list:
Post Office (already started)
Exit Here (already started)
Snuff
Bite Me (already started)
The Fountainhead
Plain Truth
Coconut Moon
Progeny
The God Delusion (already started)
Some Pentecostal book with a title I can't remember..
Some Sleepy Hollow-esque book with a title I can't remember..
An Agusten Burrows book with a title I can't remember..
The Things They Carried
The Handmaid's Tale
Freakonomics (already started)
How to Read Literature Like a Professor
The Road

And there are more I'm sure.
I guess I could kind of keep track of my progress on here.
Since I clearly won't finish all of this, but I am going to try.

So there is a lot more that I would like to type about, more importantly, the fact that I think that I'm a kleptomaniac. But that would take a while, and this is already a ridiculously long post.

So I'll end it on a very meaningful Palahniuk quote:

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

I'm learning where to stand, or to tread lightly

Currently, I'm not feeling like I should be feeling, or like I want to be feeling. I should be ecstatic, right? I'm a motherfucking senior, after all. But I don't feel any different. I still feel like a child in so many ways, and like I can't grow up, not yet. And I'm scared to grow up. But I want to. And its this great conflict. I wish I could fly away like Peter Pan, and live on an island with lost boys and pirates and fairies, just like that.

But I can't. I wish I could even just withdraw on my own for a while, but there is so much demanding me out there in the world. And I want to go out and experience it all, and I'm having a hard time balancing the choices. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

Its like there are only a few people that I want with me right now. I'm in one of those phases where I don't want to be surrounded. I want to be close to myself, and to understand what's going on with me. I'm sick of all the trivial shit; I want infinite nights and perceptive experiences.

The good news: its officially summer. I guess its the best time for new revalations. That's what I'm hoping for.

I really want to turn this confusion into a discovery; and maybe shine some clarification on this conundrum. I don't know whats going on, or where I'm at, but maybe it becomes clear and in doing so, I will grow up a bit. It is hitting me that in a year's time, I'm going out on my own. And the truth is, I don't want to live like so many young adults; using my family and friends as a crutch. I want to do this on my own, and its a large prospect. I'm lucky, and I have the ability to figure things out for myself and take care of myself. This I am sure of. But I also have this odd craving for ridiculous adventures and new experiences. I'm so afraid that I will get in over my head once I'm out of here, in a new place.

But I crave this new place like nothing that I've ever craved before. I want this change, and I need something new. I just have to find out what it is that I need, and how to make this work for me.

I need to get out of the usual rhythm and the pointless events, I think. I need to find things that matter and make them meaningful for me. To an extent, I really need to make this summer about myself and my own evolution.

Its hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet. And looking back on all of that, its nice to believe.

Hello Hello. So clearly, I don't have time to blog everyday, even though I would like to. And i only have like three minutes right now, because Becca is on here way! We are going to watch Running With Scissors, the movie!!! I'm quite excited.

So, its really random that my title for this blog is some Taylor Swift song. But basically, that song is stuck in my head. I used to love it, and I thought it was rather appropriate, seeing as how my mood has been so permanently nostalgic lately. Oh well, I'm really hoping that summer changes that.

But, despite the constant nostalgia, I have had a great weekend. Particularly Friday. We had U lympics, yearbooks, and then after that I went and ate Sushi, chilled at Megan's house for a bit, and then went to the park. Hillary and i made a really cool video, and I need to get it and put it on here.
Yesterday I had a softball tournament. It was icky. Enough Said...
And today, I haven't done anything constructive. I've been on Myspace for like three hours, and I need to clean and do Chem homework (one more week!) but I just heard Becca drive up.
I'm going to be chilling with her all afternoon, which is preferable to homework anyway I"m sure.


Bye!

Don't stop wistlin', to let them know what they've been missing. Turn the jukebox on this song we play will blow the system.

So I'm feeling pretty epic right now. I've been overwhelmingly busy for the past couple of days, and I wish I had time for a really long entry, because that would make me feel so great. But I'm so damn tired, and I want to read a bit of Invisible Monsters before I go to sleep.
But anyway, I'm really proud of myself. Because I've done a lot of my homework, for the first semester of my life, and there are SEVEN DAYS left! Yay! But less than that, almost, really. Because tomorrow is going to be awesome except for the Chem. Test. And well...I'll just type up my projected schedule for the week later.

Where did I leave off last?
Monday afternoon, I do believe. So here is a brief count of what I've been doing since then. That evening, I went into town and met Becca, and tried really hard to cheer her up because of the serious bitchassedness she has encountered lately. We ran into Trisha and Austin, which was great, because they always put me in an incredibly awesome mood. I want to hang with them both some more this summer. And then my Lit. Class went to dinner together, which is really random but it was a lot of fun. Hillary and I planned our adventure to a Hippie Festival this summer. Oh yea, and she gave me a couple of really interesting books, including one about Pentecostalism. Hah. That will be interesting. The other is about genetic engineering. ANYWAY. After that, I didn't want to go home so I chilled in the parking lot with some kids for a while, and then, when I was going home, Matt called me. That was interesting, because I don't even know who he is, but we talked for almost four hours about really profound things. It felt like my brain grew. Hah.
Next day...yesterday? I don't feel like detailing it all really, except for the part where Becca and I were driving though town, and when we get to red lights, we always rock out. And Angie from my softball team saw and, at practice, was like "I saw you rocking out at the red light." Thats pretty much all I remember from yesterday. Oh yea, my brain went numb from a Chemistry Overdose. Oh yea, and my sister told me about what all the kids in her grade say about me. Its really freaky. I could probably write a book about the wierd shit that they say, and I don't even know them. But hey, I'm honored. Its like having a fan club.

And...Today!!
(I'm already tired from all this detailing...how long can I keep it up?)
1st Block: My narcolepsy kicked in and it almost killed me trying to stay awake. I'm so excited to almost be out of that class.
2nd Block: We worked on AP questions and short stories. And Mrs. Batchelor and I agreed that the amount of AP that I'm taking next year is truly epic in itself, no doubt. I will surely die.
3rd Block: We watched some movie that I slept through. And Becca told me what the dumbasses in her class said about the allegedly graphic sex scenes in Running With Scissors. It pissed me off, because that is one of my favorite books. Honestly, its not my fault that you are too immature to deal with sex.
4th Block: Crammed for Chem while Megan and Hillary chilled in the room with me. Always fun.

After school Becca and I chilled and planned some of our Summer Adventures. And....after that I went to practice soccer for this thing that I got conned into. But it actually turned out to be fun. I want to be a soccer goalie, so I think I might try out next year. Hah, that would be so random. But, like with cheerleading, the way that it shocks people is always good.

So, tomorrow is the PowderPuff Game! And before that, I'm going to practice my soccer skills a little bit more. And maybe go to my cousin Laken's game as well. And pretty much just look forward to Friday, because it will be pretty fabulous I'm sure. Oh, and I almost forgot. Tomorrow we are taking a field trip to the Jail. I'm really excited. The funny thing is, we can't wear shorts or white tee shirts. Hah. Hah.

I just realized, my writing often sponges off of something. Alot of the time, it is Charles Bukowski. But today I feel like Charlie of Perks of Being a Wallflower....how wierd.
Speaking of Bukowski, Megan gave me Post Office today!!

=D

And I really don't know what to do, I'm a little too not over you.

So I'm feeling a tiny bit irritated right now, mostly because of cheerleading/softball/summer job conflicts. I mean, when the fuck am I supposed to actually get to spend time doing FUN things that I want to do. Ugh. I'm sick of people (my father!) being so controlling. I'm almost 18, I need to make some choices, like per say, my extracurricular commitments! Anyway...moving on.

One more topic that is irritating me before I continue: friends that have changed for the worst. Act like an asshole if you want, but don't expect me to give a fuck about you if you are going to push me away. I'm not your priority? Fine, you aren't mine either.

And now that that is out of the way, here's a bit of my day today.
1st Block: Chemistry. Nothing too eventful. That class still scares me a bit, but since the semester is almost over, I'm chilling out a bit. I think I'm actually going to come out of there with an A!
2nd Block: Lit. I fucking love that class. Today, we spent the whole time writing an essay about Their Eyes Were Watching God. I was writing about Nature as a theme, but of course, sex kept popping up. I always end up writing about sex. No shit. People keep telling me that I do, too. I don't know why, it just seems like everything that I look at becomes phallic imagery.
3rd Block: Business Law. We started Serial Killer Presentations. Becca and I didn't get to do ours yet though (we have Ted Bundy). We saw some interesting, and gross ones. My favorite was Ed Gein, the dude that inspired Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Jame Gumb of Silence of the Lambs. For real, he was one sickass dude, but very interesting. Now I really want to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre again...
4th Bock: Online Psychology (already finished for the semester though, so its kind of a study hall block). Megan was out sick today, so I was alone for a bit, but then Hillary came to visit me! That was exciting because we watched cool videos on Youtube and she told me all about Pentecostal Churches, one of which Becca and I are going to visit very soon. In fact, we are going to take a day trip out to McCaysville/Copper Hill/Ducktown/Turtletown etc. and have one big adventure. I hope we also go to Hiawassie, because I really want to go to the loft. But mostly I want to go to the Pentecostal Church. I'm not religious, but religions fascinate me.

Anyway, after school, we had a cheerleading meeting. Which mostly just stressed me out (see first paragraph).

And then I came home and read Invisible Monsters for a really long time. That is probably my second favorite book, for real. It is amazing. All about self discovery, sexual ambiguity, descruction, pill popping, plastic lives, etc etc. Its epic. Plus, it is the book that inspired one of my goals for the summer, which is to send out Advice From The Future. I don't know when I will have the opportunity to do that, but if I do, it will surely be life altering.

And now, I'm about to go it Mexican with my Lit Class. Yay!! Kind of an end of the year celebration. Which is great, because I really do love that class. I hate that it is so cold though, because I had to change out of my cute shorts and put on pants. I hate pants. Ha. Ha.

So I guess that is all for today. But here is a cute video that I really like, Hillary showed it to me one day. It makes me think, and smile.

So lets play doctor, babe, we'll operate today.

So I've had a really productive day. I feel really great right now. I love feeling like I'm doing something with my life, and most of all, when I'm busy, I don't think too much. So its all great :)

Here's the highlights of my day, since its been so good: I woke up actually feeling shockingly rested for once, so I was instantly cheerful. (And I fell asleep cheerfully as well, since I was texting Brooklyn and Collin). This was wierd though, because this was the first morning in months that I haven't drank a coke/red bull/ something like that first thing. I was really proud of that. I spent all morning chilling until I realized that I forgot to get my Mom a mother's day card, so I drove to the Dollar Store and got her one. Then we went to my Aunt's house to celebrate, and that was fun because Laken and Alex and I went on a woods-walk adventure and planned my Pirate Future. (Its true. Sometime in college, I want to find a crew, a ship, and become a total swashbuckler for about a month). Then, I came home and did Chem Homework, and actually made a lot of progress.
I've also watched more television today than I have in the past month. Desperate Housewives was particularly interesting. And now Gossip Girl. It is intense.

So basically, I've been thinking alot about Colllege lately. I'm so excited to get out and go away. Georgia Southern looks so great right now. I really want to move forward with my life, in every way possible. And college will be amazing. Ideally, I'll be rooming with the amazing Becca. And I will be a short drive away from the amazing Megan, with whom I can visit on the weekends. Those two are the greatest, so I really have to be close to them for college.

I'm also so excited for summer. It is going to be incredible. Busy, for sure, but worth it. I've got work, softball, and all kinds of adventures. I wish I could skip the next ten days. Okay, not really. I'm excited for Thursday, because we get to go to the Jail, and then the Powderpuff game. And Friday because of the U-lympics. Which are actually incredibly dumb, but better than classes anyday. And the last week of school is really chill, except for Chemistry. Then the fun begins!! I completely cannot wait. One day, I think I'll make a complete list of all the things I MUST do this summer. Every ridiculous detail.

So this was pretty much all over the place. But hey, I feel kind of hyped right now. I think I'm gonna update my Ipod, and I need to lay in the tanning bed, but I don't think I will have time...
Anyway, I'll probably update tomorrow. Byee!

Heyyo.

Hi. I'm Billie. And I've created this blog to detail the insignificant, humorous details of my life, for your pleasure and reading enjoyment ;)
This shouldn't be profound or prattling, like my other blog. That blog isn't really for people to read, but for me to rant on.
This is just a for fun kind of thing.

Well, today is Mother's Day. And I'm about to go celebrate with my eccentric family. For sure, that will be fun (not really).
And then I'll come home and do Chemistry homework. Which is ridiculously lame.

But I only have 10 Days of School left!!! And then summer. Which will be an adventure.
I have a fabulous To-Do list, which involves all these great things that I'm going to do.

Anyway, I don't have time to blog much today (I never do...) so Bye.
=D