Lets see how it goes.

Another long interlude without writing. And I may not be totally sober nor may I know exactly what I want to say except I hope I have the energy and creativity and inspiration to start writing in my journal.
Because just maybe, I'm feeling things I've never felt before. This is different but I feel that it may be something real. Something comfortable and peaceful and exciting and just maybe what I'm looking for.


All I know is that I look at you and see someone beautiful.
Inside and out.
And someone strong and intelligent and interesting and it just feels so.
Right.
So how I want to feel.
Like a piece I didn't know wasn't there before.
(Just maybe).
And its nothing I've ever done before.
But I don't feel fear.
Its like maybe looking at the sky and seeing this great star that you never knew was there before.
And someone names that star for you.
(But that doesn't feel like the exactly right metaphor).
Its like this lovely adventure.
Where you aren't alone.
But I honestly don't have the right words for it yet.

Is it?

I realize that I haven't blogged here since settling in. This was almost two months ago. This is crazy. I miss writing so much but my thoughts don't make much sense anymore. I'm all over the place. There's no rhyme or reason to much anymore and I feel that trying to put everything into words, the meaning just gets lost. And plus I'm too busy most of the time. But here I am late at night, not yet sleeping but not out partying either, which is quite good, you see.

And I don't know how to sum up my life as of now except that I'm quite possibly happier than I've ever been. Every day is new and lovely and unexpected. I meet new and fabulous people so often, and the only thing that saddens me is that I may never see them again. There is too much to keep up with. I'm not just hanging on for something right now; I feel like I'm just living and enjoying this fact.

I could be wrong but I may be on the verge of even more here; we will see soon. Right now my mind is a mess and words wouldn't straighten this one out. But tonight I went and looked at old pictures...ones from like 2 years ago...and I see how much things have changed. I miss some of these people so much, and some I care not a bit about. I see who is still here with me now and this means something. But the memories brought back by these pictures made me sad for a bit. I'm ready to keep going forward.


Life is pretty beautiful here.
Really intense.
I don't really know where the fuck I'm going anymore.
I'm questioning decisions, I want to find the answers that take me to happiness.
I am honest with myself and love who I am becoming.
And I wish I had the time and means to write about it all, and take pictures of it all, and hold on to it, because this feels like the beginning of "the best years of your life."

Transition.

The college transition - its the one I'd been so excited for for...well, years, really. This is when I expected to be the most fulfilling and happiest part of my life. And I'm waiting for that part to begin.

Because, of course, this isn't how I expected. I miss so many aspects of my old life, so vibrantly that it hurts. So much. Really, I miss my steady income and my friends. I knew the greatest people in the world, and I'm so scared that we will grow apart here. I'll fight to keep it from happening. I'm scared I'll never meet people like the ones I already know. They complete my world, really.
This was the best summer I'd ever had. I was busy and happy. Always something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go. And now its gone. I'm starting over, maybe with something better, but I hate to see it go.

I don't want these people to drift out of my life, more than anything. I'm so sad because I fear that it might happen.


But other than that, I guess I'm pretty happy here. Still adjusting, still irritated with some aspects of freshmen orientation. But I'm happy with where I live and with my classes. And if I can find a job then I'll be fine. If I can keep my old friends as well as finding new ones I'll be more than fine.

I want to be insanely happy here, the way I expected it to be. Maybe it just takes some time.

Love on Hold.

Maybe I'm just ridiculous and melodramatic;
but for once I think I feel something real.

For months I battled to deny that it could exist.
For months you were gone.
After almost a year, I know your touch.
I feel your heart.
And hundreds of miles apart again, you are the consuming entity of my mind.

You aren't mine, and I am not yours.
But in my mind is potential for so much more.
I said "wait."
And it can't be taken back.

But you are the one who's very existence makes me feel complete.
I could talk to you for a lifetime.
Sit next to you just enjoying your presence.
Lying with you feels like home.
But just seeing you smile can make me fly.
So I can wait for this. Because I can't even imagine anything better.

But its real.
I've seen you sad and angry and happy and tired.
As a person you are complete. And beautiful.

This was the toughest Goodbye.
And each day what I feel grows stronger.
I wonder where you are and if you feel the same.
The story begins again at the next Hello.

Driving Slow on Sunday morning, I never want to leave.

I wish I would stay here longer. I like it here, I feel independent and free and peaceful and happy. Surrounded by people that make me happy. And there is so much left to do that we haven't done yet. And today is the last day to fit in as much as we can.
Everyone is still asleep. I'm quite awake, I can't sleep when I have so much on my mind.

I guess I don't get all the things I want here, though. Its okay, I guess I can keep waiting. I don't understand the situation. Its the same thing as before, I've already done this. But maybe not. Only time will tell, and I hope it does eventually become clear.

And I can't believe I have to go back to my mundane blairsville life for 2 more weeks. I'll pack and buy everything I need and say my goodbyes and its time for something totally new, my new life. I'm ready but I wish I understood what was going on here. In my head there is so much that doesn't make sense. but I'll be okay, however it works out.

Every time I come home, we fight.

And then you say you don't understand, ask me why I so rarely come home.
And I don't know how to tell you this;
but the reason I never come home is because it is always like it is tonight.
Tonight, I had just gotten several emails from Mercer: my summer orientation schedule, some reading assignments and discussion ideas, and my schedule that was changed because of my AP scores.
And I was so excited, I tried to talk to you about these things. You don't even listen, or care. You just tell me to wake up early tomorrow and go pick up my sister.
Forget the plans I may already have. Forget even listening to me, or acting like you care about my future that I'm so excited about.
I never come home, because you aren't interested in who I've become.
When I come home, you don't ask me about...anything. You just tell me I need to clean my room, or my car, or pick up my sister, or wash some dishes that I didn't dirty.
Because I don't remember the last meal I ate here.
And this makes me so, so, so unbelieveably sad.
But I feel as if I barely belong.
And I don't want to belong, really. This place isn't my future.
I know what my future is, and I"m so excited. And I wish so much that you would care. Ask me about my schedule and classes or maybe my AP scores or do I need any thing like new bedsheets or even just how am I feeling.
All I get is, go clean your room.
I feel so close to more goodbyes. This isn't my life anymore here. And its down to weeks until I"m gone to where my life is.

Because I always need a plan.

Here are my goals for managing this situation.

I won't let my emotions own me like this for long.
I refuse to be a continual puddle on the floor, crying and weak.
I have to find a better perspective. A healthy one.

I have to find a way to be happy for you.

A week ago you asked me what I wanted, the way I hoped this would go.
And I said. "I want us to have tonight. An awesome night. And I hope that we see each other in the future, and see what happens then."
And I said. " We have different places to go and things to do. And I can't do serious right now."
And you agreed.

And why now do I want to take this back?
I hate that I feel so differently. Everything changed for me.
I fell so hard and fast its terrifying. I hate letting you go.

But the point is, I have to find a way. Back to the way I felt.
Well, I can't go back. But this is what I said when I was rational. The heart does funny things and isn't compatible with the mind. And my heart is ruling now.

But also, my heart wants you to be happy. And go and live your life to the fullest, even though its mostly without me.
I have to find a way, to see this as an emotionally growing experience. A test of time. If I care for you like this, I still will when this "future time" comes. And if you still care then too, then its so worth it.
I have to see this as the best option, for us to own our own lives. Its what we've both always wanted to do really.
(And I never, ever, expected that someone would be able to distract me from this for an instant. But you have.)
And I'm scared that you won't want to see me in the future. That we will drift.

But I let you go knowing that I've done all I have.
I will give you all I can to hopefully remember me.
And I will remind myself that this is good. It leaves us open to possibilities. With or without one another.
And I can not, will not, let the tears come so easily. I know I won't be able to help it much, for the next few days.
But after that, I must learn to instead remember the good times, and smile for them. And smile that maybe good times will come again.
And that this truly, absolutely, is best. Even though it kills me. We can't hold each other back.
And one day soon I will rest understanding that we find each other again. I don't believe this is the end.
(This could be denial).
But I'm hopeful.

So I vow to:
Hope you remember me.
Remind myself that it truly is for the best.
Hope for the future.
Hold the memories dearly in my heart.
And embrace my own life as passionately as I would have before this all happened.

Because I don't think miserable heartbreak works for me anyway.

And I'm scared of what I will become for the next few days. I need to keep busy.
But more than anything, I believe in Serendipity.
Its what got me here, for certain.
And it will get me through the next few days.
I truly, with all my being, believe that if I continue keeping my heart open to chance and opportunity, I will always find a way to keep going forward.
So I hope that life occupies my mind and body for a while, and I stay absorbed in something. I can't let this drown me.

Polarize.

So I was reading over my blog that I wrote probably less than a week ago. And wouldn't you believe that my feelings are already completely opposite. When I wrote that, I was so..content, and peaceful.

But the past 48 hours have been a fucking swirl of overwhelming anxiety, blissful happiness, and the deepest sadness. Now I'm in the process of coping, that long process of getting it all mentally worked out.

First I had the worst college anxiety. I realized that the stability I was so glorified by in my last blog, is about to end. I'll be a broke college student. I'm about to leave this place and these people, the stuff I couldn't wait to leave 2 years ago. But somewhere along the journey, I made a happy place for myself here. And now its time to go. For all of us. And I'm so scared, of losing people. And I'm so scared, that I will never find people as awesome as the ones I have here. I have so much good for me here..and its time to start over and leave it behind. Which is exciting but so, so, so bittersweet.

And then I had one of those epic nights. The ones I've missed so. And this, one of the best ever. I don't have words to explain how natural, and comfortable, and beautiful it was to me. I remember feeling a happiness, one that explained so much. Everything felt right, and I felt at home. So connected with someone so amazing.
But then the next day comes, like it always does. And we have to go our separate ways, and even though nothing at all was wrong, I'll analyze till I find a thousand little problems. And then I realized that it was such a strange and confusing situation, foreign and complex. And I have no answers at all. Just so many questions, and so much that I want to say. And then it hit me that you too are leaving, and I'm running out of time. To say what I need to say. More than anything, I want you to remember me. I'm scared you will forget, the things we said last night. Its so unexpected, and I'm so scared of so many things. But I told you that I trust you, and I truly do. You have yet to let me down. You have your own life and commitments. We agreed to have that night, and hopefully find each other again in the future. Because that's all I could do now, and probably all you could do too. And that's what I wanted, so why does this hurt so much now? Why do I want more? I'm terrified that you will forget me, and all of this. I'm scared that it will mean so much to me. I have so much emotion right now that it hurts. I don't understand how I came to feel so much for you. And I should probably go pour this emotion in to a letter, because this is my best chance to let you remember me.

Because I haven't blogged in such a long time...

...and of course that means my mind is full of thoughts,
here is my life in a (hopefully) brief spill.


The past week has been large; I went down to Macon completely on my own, stayed, met people, did my thing, did it all. Alone. And it was great and fullfilling and invigorating just to feel so in control of my life.
Then I came home to get my wisdom teeth out, the past few days have been a blur. Not gonna lie, I think I've been on pills pretty heavy. I've had some insights, watched a lot of movies, slept a lot, and now I"m in a lot of pain. I'm barely eating but I guess it'll just make it more enjoyable when I can finally eat again. The constant hurt is kind of unreal thought without the medicine..
And now I"m back to working 6-7 days a week. And at this point, this too is fullfilling, because I don't have to feel guilt when I go out and splurge. And I feel great watching my account grow...it'll probably all be gone once college starts though. I try not to think about that...I still don't have enough.
But I like having goals to work toward. My next goal is Jacksonville :) Trip at the end of July with friends. So I work my ass off for the next four weeks, save my money, and hopefully not worry about a damn thing for the whole trip.
I'm trying to apply myself to working out again. Get it serious, get fit. Drink water. I"m already eating healthy enough so maybe thats half the battle.
I'm housesitting next week, so another step towards independence...I'll barely be able to be at the house but hey its still nice to have it to come home to.
I'm so insanely excited for college. Its about 6 weeks away...I'm not counting down though, really. I'm happy with where I am too. This is a good summer even if its not really a summer. Its an adulthood but I like it. Maybe i was made for this.

But the fact is, at this exact instant in my life, my sleep schedule is fucked beyond all description, I have a series of early mornings ahead of me, a case of red bulls and a bottle of painkillers to get me through it, a few hours to sleep between now and then, and a ton of people-obligations to fit in around this. There are SO many people I need to spend time with. But the fact is I just realized I haven't showered in almost 3 days on top of everything else, I need to pack for housesitting, I need to feed the fish that I'm godparenting for, and I want to curl up with the book that is required for Mercer, that is actually good sofar. I have so many thoughts in my head and so much to do and I feel so...content that its almost hard to go to sleep except I know I"ll hate myself for it in the morning. So Sleep. Work. Pack. Celebrate my father's birthday. Go feed the fish. Go to a 4th of July Party. Go to the house that I am watching. Repeat (well..more or less). And this is my life for a while. And I like it except for the early mornings, and I wonder what happens after this phase and can it make me just as happy, or better?

Untitled.

So basically...
everything is happening beyond fast right now and I feel like every night I have these immense profound thoughts and they are all vanishing before I'm actually able to get on here and write about them (or able to write about anything) because I'm just that busy. And I miss pouring out my soul via blog, tumblr, my notebook, etc but the real world has apparently gotten me so well that I don't have time for these things momentarily.

So I guess I'll just go with some revelations/thoughts I've been having and see where it goes:

- I truly, absolutely, and incredibly suck at letting anything go. I cannot say goodbyes, or let go of anything that once made me feel safe. (I feel like I could go off on a huge psychological thing here, about how I need these random islands of stability amidst my partially self inflicted chaos. But I won't). I'm scared of leaving certain random things behind, like my old job and my old friends.

- I wonder if my new job is going to drain the hell out of me...its mega time consuming, I've already completely lost Arts In The Park weekend and Alisha's baby shower. Which is really really sad. But at the same time I'll hopefully be so paid. Don't know what i'll do with the money, or when I'll have time to blow it. I'm scared of fitting in and liking my new job. Its crazy different.

- I feel like most people are like reoccurring instances...they feel gone but really its all so temporary. I see them again. Its kind of scary and unnerving and awkward yet pleasantly familiar and I'm also scared of losing this when I go to Macon. When I'm miles and miles away, these people may stop popping back into my life.

- All my countdowns are sort of gone now. I can't say I'm living in the moment because my planner is booked and I'm not doing anything epic and impulsive right now, but I am sort of immersed in the present anyway.

- Speaking of which, I really want epic and impulsive again. This balance of security and excitement is just impossible. Truly.

- I'm about to fall asleep right now. I want time to read and tan and chill and sleep and write but it isn't happening yet. And I need to go to sleep.

- Did I mention that in 48 hours I officially graduate? Its wierd, people are saying that it is just hitting them, or that it hasn't yet. I feel like it hit me a long time ago though. I feel already graduated, in a way. That Friday night is a formality that will express to everyone else, maybe, what I already feel like inside. I've only been out of school for less than a week, but it feels like months. Looking back on where I was a month ago, well, there might just not be words to say how far from it I feel. Maybe because I need sleep and all these other things that I don't have time for, but its okay, because, whatever I'm doing I think its for the better and when I finally have time to slow down and breathe it will all make sense.

Dear you,

Please don't be another him.
I've already been there, I've already done this.

I've already watched someones natural cuteness be totally canceled out by highness.
And I know what its like to waste months on somebody, all because of one moment of profundity.
(A profound that, maybe, was only the result of alcohol anyway).
I've already dropped my plans, to go be with someone who doesn't give a damn about my presence.

I already know how this story ends.

So please, please, please
(please times infinity)
don't be this guy.

I finally got him out of my life
(And ironically, he is sitting in a jail cell for stealing from a church)
but the point is,
I don't want that again, for countless reasons.

I like
natural cuteness and
moments of profundity and
just spending time together.

And its not much to ask but really,
I've done so much thinking about all the mistakes I've ever made and I think I sort of understand,
and so now I finally have my heart here,
available,
walls down,
unprotected.

And I don't have the patience (or courage)
to sit like this for long but by power of Magical Thinking I'm willing you to care.
I hope you care.

And if you don't (and very soon)
id like to think I won't make the same mistake as last time
(hoping for too long).

Because I'm not naive or desperate but the fact is I'm not wasting attention on just anybody at all right now and its pretty much you or nobody and its up to you to make some effort because I truly don't know how and I can't throw myself at people anyway.

And so now its up to you for a while
to make some effort,
and so will I,
and if not,
then I suppose I'll resign (horrible thought)
but I won't go through what I already went through once.
and I guess maybe I'm too scared, and worrying about too many ridiculous things, but I won't ignore the deja-vu of tonight until its righted.

Sincerely,
Me

I'm never coming back this way, I've got my things I'm here to stay.

I've gotten out of town for a few days, I've gotten a break from countless things, and most importantly I think I've finally cleared my head.

I think I'm done hurting. You weren't my saving grace, I'm ready to face reality, accept what you were and were not, take it for what it was, learn from it, and finally move on. And stop letting it cause me pain.
I think I'm ready to not be alone. I understand my fears, and I know what I need, and this is what it was all about. I understand these walls that have to come down, and the choices I have to make for things to be different this time.
I think I'm ready to take on the world. Metaphorically speaking, this whole growing up thing has reached the point where I feel secure in what I'm capable of.

I miss being a child, the way I used to run and skip and dance so often. I think I was quite a child at heart, and maybe, I still am.
I think I want to get back to that, if it is possible.
I was recently told that I'm dwelling on the existential, the distant future, and the irrational. That I've stopped living in the present and enjoying the little things.
I do this sometimes. But not like I used to.

I don't know if I can take the ways I've grown, and yet finally go back to the way I was before. I want the ridiculous joy and energy that I had just a few months ago. But its different now, knowing what I know and being who I've become.

This is life and its happening all at once and there is so much more, I could go on forever with these intangible thoughts, but I won't. I will just say I'm so happy with this place I've finally reached and I'm curious about what happens now.

I can't believe...

Its been almost a month since I blogged last. I guess its one of those times where I'm so busy in life, that i don't have as much time to write about it. Or maybe I'm doing so many things, but not so many things epic enough to write about. Or maybe I'm just relying on Tumblr more.

But anyway, I guess its been a strange month, but really, what month hasn't been strange lately?
Its kind of like a process, and I feel like an adult now. I'm happy and sad and mostly tired and broke and trying so hard to keep things together and I feel rewarded but scared for my future but also so excited.
My mind is, at best, a conglomeration of emotions that I simply cannot spit out poetically yet. Its a mess in there. A good mess. I'm proud of everything that happens, and how I'm dealing and learning.
I'm trying to control everything with lists and lists and more lists. I make post-its with my Daily Objectives now. Holding things together, getting things done, its what I"m trying to do.
I feel like I"m trying to stay in control. Because I've been given a lot of it all at once, and its a lot to do.

Mostly I"m so excited for everything, absolutely everything, coming up. I feel like I'm pulling together a college experience designed for me. But sometimes, the worst thoughts come to me. I remember my youth, being shoved into situations with people who I don't like and who don't like me. I lived, but I don't want to ever do that again. College will not be like that, right? I'm being ridiculous.



I feel like that Palahniuk anecdote, the one about how people are just rocks in a machine, put in all rough but tossed round and round, bashing against the walls and the other rocks, until they come out smooth and beautiful. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about that.

Invisible Kids.

I've spent years of my life trying to pick up the broken, the fucked up, and hopeless. Trying to put them back together piece by peace, and give them hope, and reasons, and a better life.

I feel like I'm in a room, surrounded by shelves and shelves of vases, and they keep falling off and shattering into tiny pieces. And I'm dashing around, doing everything i can to pick up all the little pieces and glue them back together. But I'm clumsy and slow and just one person anyway, and maybe I'm not even making much of a difference. So then I run around trying to catch them before they hit the ground, catch them safe in my arms and put them back where they belong. But that's hard to do, too. And I feel so sad because some of these vases belonged to somebody special, somebody who is hurting worse than I am to see them break. And then I feel even worse when I realized, some of these vases belong to nobody, and when they break, they slide into a sort of nonexistence and nobody even misses them, or thinks fondly of them.
And all around the world vases keep falling,and sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it makes me angry. Because sometimes, they should have had the initiative to take care of themselves. Just stay away from the damn ledge in the first place But maybe they were pushed, and its too late now to blame the past anyway. But here in the present, all I can do is try to put them back together or catch them if i can. Some don't want to be put back together and I'm cutting my hands on their sharp edges, getting knocked to the ground when I catch them in my arms. Even now, they don't care enough to be fixed. And more just keep falling, faster than I can ever keep up.

And at some point I have to step back and realize there's only so much I can do. But I can't get out now, because now the ones that I value are falling. I never expected mine to fall. I absolutely love some of these, and I can't stand to see them smashed. But there's nothing more I can do.


I wish I could reach out and pick up so many of those that have fallen, give love and hope to people who don't have it, because they never have and probably never will have these things. But on the other hand, I'm only human too, and there are people that I think have made too many mistakes, who don't deserve these things anymore. I don't see a way to do what i want to do, to help those lost kids that sometimes, I wonder if the rest of the world sees. I see them, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Perspectives.

Instead of feeling sad for the times I'm not with you, I'm remembering the times that I am. I'm not sad that you aren't talking to me, or thinking of me now, because sometimes you do, and sometimes you are. I'm not sad that I'm not with you today, because one day, I will be again. Missing you now only gives me hope for later.



Instead of feeling jealous of what you have, I want to find an emotion to replace this. Wishing unhappiness for you really does little to make me happy. I haven't figured this one out yet, but instead of dwelling on what you have, that I don't, I want to find a way to totally disconnect myself form you. That will take time.



I don't want to wish my life away. Maybe I demonstrate too much wishful thinking, have too many countdowns, and am putting too much faith in tomorrow topping today. I want today to be enough.



I'm trying to change the way I look at things. And for now, this is enough.

If the brownie is just sitting there on a plate,

I'm content just knowing its there.
I can look at it, and remind myself, that, if I get hungry, all I have to do is go get it.
But I don't really want it now, its more of a comfort thing.

But if someone else comes and picks it up, takes it, then I want it.
Devouring it before my eyes makes me desire it for myself.

I'll always want what I can't have.
I'll want it too late.

Brownies.

So Hillary has inspired me to the wonders of expressing yourself through food parallels. So here goes.


Lets say you like brownies. You are in the sweet shop and there are so many choices, but its hard to choose what kind you want, because there are so many types of brownies when you think about it. A brownie just isn't that, because they are all so different.

You have your regular old typical brownies. But who really cares about those. You see them everyday, they are just average and boring and really, if you are gonna get a brownie, get something better than average.

You have marshmallow filled brownies, which is pretty unusual but comes off as really fulfilling at first. Its sweet and tasty, and not something you find everyday. But eventually the sticky marshmallow gets all over your hands and its gooey and messy and it isn't fair that something so tasty should be such a pain at the same time. But if you keep eating this brownie, you start sticking to things and the paper towel will stick to your hands and get all over your clothes and its really a hard situation to get out of. The only way to avoid this really, is to not eat marshmallow brownies, which apparently, is what most people do. Because if you do eat them, you have a mess to clean up afterward, and probably need a long hot shower before you are okay and clean again. Not saying they aren't worth it, but they come with consequences.

You have brownies with nuts inside. They sound alright, except for the fact I don't like nuts. I don't understand why people put nuts in brownies, ever. You can try to pick around them and make the best with what you have, but what you have after picking out all the nuts is kind of a bunch of crumbs. A nut brownie without the nuts just isn't itself, and you can't change that. The brownie has already been baked, and I'll spend my life trying to make it better but really, there's nothing I can do about it. Nuts will get stuck in your teeth and make you feel like hell, even if you aren't allergic. They don't taste good, they don't look good, but the rest of the brownie is so appealing that you keep trying to make it work. But it doesn't, because you can't change the ingredients after the baking has went down.

You have brownies with fudge. Some people think fudge is delightful, in fact many people do. To me, its too rich and so unnecessary and I can't make myself like it. So, I don't know much to say about these brownies, except that they probably make you fat and just don' appeal to me anyway.

You have brownies with peanut butter. The fact is, these are my favorites but I personally rarely see them in sweet shops. (They are the kind of thing I have to make at home, so they involve more work and a lot more complications. And besides, we are in a sweet shop, creating your own ideal brownie isn't what goes on here.) If you see a peanut butter brownie, chances are it belongs to someone else, is really expensive, or really just bad. These brownies are the type to break apart, and sometimes putting the pieces together to make it worthwhile is difficult too. Sometimes, maybe these ones don't even want you, really. They are just there for kicks. They sure are tasty though, when you get one. But they certainly don't last long.

You have special brownies. Illegal, fun, and with potentially hazardous side effects. Handle these brownies with caution. They could come with regret and/or legal issues. But there is something tempting about them.

There are surely other brownies, but the fact is, they just don't catch the eye, and you aren't interesting in trying them. You probably don't even notice that they are there. You already have more choices than you can handle.



With all these different choices, whats a person to do? Its too difficult to choose just one kind, but you can't keep sampling them all for ever. Plus, there's nothing wrong with dieting. That would be healthy and probably wise, to cut out brownies for a while, but you probably don't have the self control anyway and life without brownies would be pretty boring and unsatisfying.




Hmmmm, side note. I just had an idea of baking brownies with nutella. Never done it, never even thought about it, but it sounds really good.

Tease.

So here's for some random thoughts before I (hopefully) crash at a decent hour tonight.

-People are confusing and kind of suck right now. Its like I let my guard down way too easy, get burned, and keep it up unnecessarily next time. And I'm pissing people off, cuz I can never get it right.
- I've got my Ipod back, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. So yesterday I chilled to the playlist of sappy unrequited love, and today I rocked out to wicked sexy dance tunes. I guess I really am lost without it, suckers.
- I'm sick of snow. Sick of it. So tired of it. Can't wait for summer.
- New things I'm looking forward to! Starting my job (any day now), getting my tattoo (couple of weeks), Spring break (ATL!), Graduation, and Summerrrr.
- Things I dread like hell! Prom. Seriously, I have extreme prom angst. I don't think I'll sleep peacefully until its over.
- I'm on an epic puzzle doing kick. I have this massive 750 piece shot of Times Square that I'm working on.
- Oh yeah, I'm psyched to see Alice In Wonderland this weekend.
- I'm tired of spending money on stupid things, and being broke all the time because of it. Really, I don't know how to solve this problem.
- I want more goldfish. Who would have thought, big, healthy Thing 1 is dead, but little crippled blind-in-one-eye Thing 2 is still swimming?
- I'm torn between wanting some peace and absolutely craving a huge, epic, adventure. I think I need the adventure first then some peace. Too bad I've never succeeded in planning an adventure...it goes against the whole principle.
- I need to read more. I have a stack of books, so tall, that I need to read. And many more that I want to buy.
- I'm on a kick of watching old episodes of Friends. Sweet.
- I'm feeling a desire to create something worthwhile. I guess that explains the newfound puzzle obsession. Not exactly profound creation...but I have no better ideas at the moment.
- I kind of feel like that Shinedown song "Second Chance" right now. Like I really need to just go for a while. I'm not done clearing my head.
- I'm wanting who I shouldn't want again. I can't recall the last time I didn't get who I wanted, at least for a while...and I'm trying hard to not get what I want this time. Because its more complicated than it'll be worth I'm sure. I've been warned. I make notoriously inexplicable choices in guys. I wish I could stop myself, but hey, I kind of don't want to.

Hmmmm, I think that just about covers every semi-moderately-important thought right now. So I'm gonna go eat a strawberry muffin. Yeah, that's all.

Nobody warns you

Nobody warns you of the fine line between infatuation and depreciation.
Lust and loathing.
Security and alienation.
Caring and discarding.
Nobody ever said, "Hey, things can change this fast."

Nobody ever said that emotion was so volatile to change.
That what you feel tomorrow is nothing like yesterday.
That the feelings you had a month ago, somehow morphed into something completely different.

There should be a child's story to parable this.
To subconsciously prepare children, not for a happily ever after, but for a life that requires versatility.
To know that the things that happen to you one day, will be unlike anything you expected. Anything you have witnessed.

What people need to know is that there is no recipe for happiness. The plots in kids fairy tales, in sitcoms, in teen romance novels, nothing really happens just like that.
Someone needs to say, "Hey, prepare for the unexpected. Some day, you're gonna have to make up your own rules."
Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There just is you and a bunch of choices, and you're making up the story of your life one day at a time. And no matter what you expected, something crazy and opposite of that happened instead.

They always said that when one door closes, another opens. But that makes no sense. Often, there is a bunch of doors, open and closed and ajar and locked. Maybe some windows too, or an elevator or something. Or maybe there is none of this, just you and some walls and a sledgehammer, and you have to make a door yourself. Why did nobody tell you this might happen?

Sometimes people tell you things that don't matter, or don't tell you the things that matters. Alot of it you have to figure out on your own, regardless.
Some say life is like a river, flowing swiftly in one direction. But some say life is like an ocean, and I wish I could remember why. It made a lot of sense. It was just another metaphor, but I liked it.

Alive and well, and not letting this bring me down.

I'm so proud of myself right now, keeping my belated resolution.
(Taking my 3 worst days of 2009, and making them decent days in 2010.)

I am surprisingly not hurt by your rude gesture. I'm confused about why you felt it necessary. And indignant that you would do something that served no other conceivable purpose than to hurt me.
I am not hurt, because I've been withdrawn from the situation for a month now. To me, it was over. With the distance, I have seen how its all pathetic and desperate, and how it goes on, pathetically and desperately, with or without me.
I'm glad its without me.
( I still care about you. I hate that I care about you, that I want good things for you.)
But I don't want you. Not now. Not anymore.

This really just makes me doubt, if everyone is so manipulative, so shallow, so asshole-esque.
It scares me. I'm losing more faith, in people's ability to be reasonable.

Drunkenness isn't an excuse. Anger is not an excuse. I want your reason. But I don't want you. In no part of my life, anymore.

I'd moved on, stopped thinking about you. Until you lashed out, for no reason at all.
And it's all your loss. You stopped mattering to me. Apparently, I still matter to you. Enough that you want me jealous. Strangely enough, I'm not. Moving on can be easier than I ever expected. I only feel bad for you, bad that your life has come to this.

!

My salvation came in the mail today. I'm not sure if I can put into words why exactly I'm so ridiculously happy right now. Apparently, that hellacious weekend of interviews that I went through a couple of weeks ago, they paid off. Literally. The first four years of my college education are paid for now. A prestigious, competitive university wants me, that much.

I have a future. The reason I'm the happiest about this, though, is because I did it all on my own. Its my own merit that got me this.
My whole life, I've had a lot of good things happen to me. But I've always doubted my ability to get them by myself...a lot of things that I got in this town, I got partially because of my family, and who I know. Even my job that I plan to start soon, I didn't get on my own. I've often doubted whether I deserved these things, or if I just got them because of who I'm related to. I've doubted my own value and abilities.

But this, I did completely on my own. It has nothing to do with who I know, or who put in a good word for me here and there. It has everything to do with what I've done - my achievements, my grades, my abilities, and my personality. My dedication. Something that I've accomplished, 100% based on my own abilities. Its about me.

I feel valued, strong, and capable now. Of doing things for myself. Knowing that I deserve good things, not because of who I know, but because of who I am.
I feel excited, knowing that i have somewhere to go, a great place that sees potential in me to go even further.
I feel secure in my future. My past, it matters, sure. But I know I have better to come. And i have the abilities to do what I want to do, whatever it may be. I'm able. And I'm so, so so so so happy :)

Hey, whataya want from me?

I haven't blogged in weeks, I suddenly realized tonight. So I'm blogging. Not because I have anything to say, really. Just because I don't like going this long without it.
I haven't blogged in weeks, because reading my last blog makes me sad. If that is what I wanted, to create destruction for a fresh start, I simply failed. Thinking about it makes me see my failure. I lost.

I have no pent up emotions to examine now. Now I'm waiting for...what I don't know yet. When I think about it too much, I feel simply empty. No more revelations or epiphanies. I'm living with this. I didn't get what i wanted. I wanted to end everything and set myself free. All I did was alienate myself and make myself a prisoner to my memories. Memories that are mine alone now. Those times...you and I, we won't reminisce together and laugh over any of it. Because you don't remember, don't care, don't want to remember. And my friends, we won't reminisce together, because they don't care. It wasn't beautiful or elegant or fascinating or romantic, I guess. Memories worth nothing to everyone but me.

That's my story now. A story I'd like to relive but everyone else would like to forget. A paradox. I want the reminders to go away, to forget. I never want to forget.

Now I'm waiting again. Waiting for the unknown. I feel quite small, when I think about it all. I'm scared, I've spent too many nights alone now. Too much reminds me.

Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

^^^That is the philosophy that I am exploring tonight.
The Palahniukian idea that says:

“Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

“I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.”

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”


What I'm saying is, I'm wanting to fuck shit up. I want to create chaos. I want to break this down and see what happens. What is created from this social destruction. I want to break the cycle. I know doing this will piss people off, maybe change the course of somebody's life. I want to see something happen. Do things that might seem foolish, and push I few boundaries.
I want to see what happens after. What I become, and what they become. What kind of creation comes after intentional destruction.
I'm afraid of this. Doing what i want. But hey, my favorite author seems to philosophically support my desires.

And heres my favorite, the thesis of it all:

"'I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."

After its all said and done, I'd like to find this.

Untitled.

Its like watching destruction.
Cheating and lies.
Is this love?

Is this what I want for myself, too?
Could it be any different fro me, really?
I want what i can't have. If I could have it, would I really want it?

I wish I could stop hoping for you.
I see the things you do.
And wonder if you would treat me like that. Hoping you wouldn't.
But probably, you would.

Its like watching destruction.
And being a part of it.
Cheating and lies.
It would go on, with or without me, because its just who you are.
Is this love?


I want to walk away, for a while.
I wish I had the space to clear my head.
We all deserve better.
We are all so fucked up.
And keep fucking each other up, more each day.
Will anyone ever have the power to say "Stop"?
And end it...I think not.

We are all addicted to what we have.
It causes pain, but we stay.
I want to walk away.
I want to stay close to you.
I don't want to love you.

Guilt Free Living.

It doesn't mean much, but I'm done blaming myself. This has probably come much too late, but I'm living guilt free. You deserved it.


Its times like this, I wish I believed in Karma. If what goes around, comes around, I could smile and remind myself you have it coming. You deserve to have it coming. But do you? Its more of a Chance thing. We might as well flip a coin to decide, probably.

It would feel so comforting to believe that Karma would get you. But as it is, maybe the only thing that could get you was me. So, I don't feel guilty. Just sad that it may be all the misfortune that comes to you. Maybe I was the "Karma" here.

Or maybe, we could reverse that. Say I deserve to have it coming, and you getting what you want is merely so I don't get what I want. It goes both ways.

Maybe we were both in the wrong.
But I feel entitled. I feel justified.
My dear, you don't deserve shit. I would like to see that fulfilled. I would love to be the Karma that bites you in the ass. Can I do that? My mission is to figure out how.

My Countdowns :)

Instead of whining about my present (which is what I'm doing constantly; I hate the cold, frigid, snowy, ways of today) I am going to make a list of the 3 BIG THINGS that will happen in the next few months, that will liberate me and make me so happy :)

Thing 1: Getting a job. (Sometime in late February). To do this, I need to create my resume, get it in, and hope that they actually hire me. I'll be so glad to be working at Walmart...its not oober classy, but its a step up for me. I need the money and responsibility that will come with having a job again. I'm going crazy right now to be working. Plus, I just indulged in my second to last (probably) shopping until I actually get a job, because I'm so close to being broke. I want to buy some books and movies from Amazon, but that needs to be IT until I'm making money again. And I'm so excited that I could have a decent job, anyway.

Thing 2: My Birthday. (February 23rd). It is my 18th, I will have the legal freedoms and respected adulthoods that will come with this age. Its a big step toward maturity. Plus, my parents will probably slack off a bit, and give me some more leniency with various things when I am 18. Hell, I'm responsible enough already. But I need the legal backing and general awesomeness that comes with being 18.

Thing 3: Graduation. (May 21st, unless the snow causes it to be pushed back a few days). This one is pretty self explanatory. After graduation, I shall embark on the Epic Summer Before College.

This all seems pretty freaking sweet.
Not to mention, as the time passes, the weather will keep getting warmer, and these things will keep getting closer, and I'll just keep becoming more awesome. Maybe just kidding about the last part.

Anyway, the future looks so great, I just want to fast forward. I have alot to be excited for.

Part 2.

It was a conversation I needed to have. I guess it wasn't earth shattering, or mind blowing, but it made me feel infinitely better. Letting him know how I felt. Letting him know that part of it hurt me. The fact that he cared enough to listen, and to apologize, it means enough. Hopefully we will now be friends, good friends he says, and that is all for now. And I completely understand why. (This is much more than I expected, anyway).

Mostly, I feel that by speaking up, and asking the question that I needed answered, was the best part of it all. The revelation lies in the fact that I've grown up enough to reach out, and ask these questions. If I can risk hearing what I don't want to hear, in order to get the answer I need to move forward, well, I feel emotionally older now. Stronger that I can do this. Less passive. More empowered, regardless of the situation.

So I guess you could say, I've gained security in two senses tonight. A definition of our relationship, but also an idea of how much more mature, tactful, and healthy I have become in how I treat myself. From now on, I will try to continue respecting my emotions like this.

Cathartic Intentions

I've been in this situation before. Sitting idly by, waiting for someone else to make the decision, initiate the contact, or decide its over. The waiting kills me. I never get the closure I deserve.
I'm done waiting. I'm reaching out, asking for the answers. I should have done it long ago. I didn't because I was scared of hearing what I don't want to hear. Now, I can't handle not knowing. An "its over" will be better than this.
Tonight, I will take charge. I won't let someone else fuck with my emotions, dragging this out and making it hurt worse. Tell me to stay or to go. Tell me I mean something or nothing. Tell me anything. I need the truth. I can't handle not knowing.

Either way, its going to hurt. But today, and the past few days, have hurt greatly anyway. Today, when a friend of mine mentioned "love," this terrified me. I don't want to love you. Tonight I would rather find for a fact that you don't want me, and that I should move on, than to find that I love you. Because surely, that would be unrequited. I don't want unrequited. I don't want to pine away over you. And I won't.

For the first time in my life, I think, I'm reaching out and trying to demand honesty. We will communicate. I will most likely hear things I don't want to hear, and it will hurt. A lot. But its what I have to do. I have to take care of my emotions. I can't let you play me...I won't be just another chick whose emotions you screw around with. I can't be just another chick who gets hurt out of niavity. I will take care of myself.

Here I go.

New Year.

I'm not going to write extensively on resolutions or anything, because really, I don't have specific resolutions. I'm just promising myself that this will be my best year yet. It starts with a little bit of Magical Thinking, and a bit of reliance on the Chance I discussed in my last blog, and a lot of decisions on my part.
What I'm saying is, if I want to make it my year, I can :)

Hillary gave me a heart, it says "Believe in a Revolution worth fighting for." And I want that to be my motto. My thesis for this year. I'll let it be my revolution, by believing and fighting.

This night was better than last New Years, by far. Not gonna lie, it had some bitterness to it, but some sweet. That I can turn into hope. I have a good feeling...I know that I'll have to go through a lot to get the things I want, but I can do it. These things are worth fighting for...and if they aren't, I'll let it go and find something better.

I don't have resolutions, but I feel resolved.