Perspectives.

Instead of feeling sad for the times I'm not with you, I'm remembering the times that I am. I'm not sad that you aren't talking to me, or thinking of me now, because sometimes you do, and sometimes you are. I'm not sad that I'm not with you today, because one day, I will be again. Missing you now only gives me hope for later.



Instead of feeling jealous of what you have, I want to find an emotion to replace this. Wishing unhappiness for you really does little to make me happy. I haven't figured this one out yet, but instead of dwelling on what you have, that I don't, I want to find a way to totally disconnect myself form you. That will take time.



I don't want to wish my life away. Maybe I demonstrate too much wishful thinking, have too many countdowns, and am putting too much faith in tomorrow topping today. I want today to be enough.



I'm trying to change the way I look at things. And for now, this is enough.

If the brownie is just sitting there on a plate,

I'm content just knowing its there.
I can look at it, and remind myself, that, if I get hungry, all I have to do is go get it.
But I don't really want it now, its more of a comfort thing.

But if someone else comes and picks it up, takes it, then I want it.
Devouring it before my eyes makes me desire it for myself.

I'll always want what I can't have.
I'll want it too late.

Brownies.

So Hillary has inspired me to the wonders of expressing yourself through food parallels. So here goes.


Lets say you like brownies. You are in the sweet shop and there are so many choices, but its hard to choose what kind you want, because there are so many types of brownies when you think about it. A brownie just isn't that, because they are all so different.

You have your regular old typical brownies. But who really cares about those. You see them everyday, they are just average and boring and really, if you are gonna get a brownie, get something better than average.

You have marshmallow filled brownies, which is pretty unusual but comes off as really fulfilling at first. Its sweet and tasty, and not something you find everyday. But eventually the sticky marshmallow gets all over your hands and its gooey and messy and it isn't fair that something so tasty should be such a pain at the same time. But if you keep eating this brownie, you start sticking to things and the paper towel will stick to your hands and get all over your clothes and its really a hard situation to get out of. The only way to avoid this really, is to not eat marshmallow brownies, which apparently, is what most people do. Because if you do eat them, you have a mess to clean up afterward, and probably need a long hot shower before you are okay and clean again. Not saying they aren't worth it, but they come with consequences.

You have brownies with nuts inside. They sound alright, except for the fact I don't like nuts. I don't understand why people put nuts in brownies, ever. You can try to pick around them and make the best with what you have, but what you have after picking out all the nuts is kind of a bunch of crumbs. A nut brownie without the nuts just isn't itself, and you can't change that. The brownie has already been baked, and I'll spend my life trying to make it better but really, there's nothing I can do about it. Nuts will get stuck in your teeth and make you feel like hell, even if you aren't allergic. They don't taste good, they don't look good, but the rest of the brownie is so appealing that you keep trying to make it work. But it doesn't, because you can't change the ingredients after the baking has went down.

You have brownies with fudge. Some people think fudge is delightful, in fact many people do. To me, its too rich and so unnecessary and I can't make myself like it. So, I don't know much to say about these brownies, except that they probably make you fat and just don' appeal to me anyway.

You have brownies with peanut butter. The fact is, these are my favorites but I personally rarely see them in sweet shops. (They are the kind of thing I have to make at home, so they involve more work and a lot more complications. And besides, we are in a sweet shop, creating your own ideal brownie isn't what goes on here.) If you see a peanut butter brownie, chances are it belongs to someone else, is really expensive, or really just bad. These brownies are the type to break apart, and sometimes putting the pieces together to make it worthwhile is difficult too. Sometimes, maybe these ones don't even want you, really. They are just there for kicks. They sure are tasty though, when you get one. But they certainly don't last long.

You have special brownies. Illegal, fun, and with potentially hazardous side effects. Handle these brownies with caution. They could come with regret and/or legal issues. But there is something tempting about them.

There are surely other brownies, but the fact is, they just don't catch the eye, and you aren't interesting in trying them. You probably don't even notice that they are there. You already have more choices than you can handle.



With all these different choices, whats a person to do? Its too difficult to choose just one kind, but you can't keep sampling them all for ever. Plus, there's nothing wrong with dieting. That would be healthy and probably wise, to cut out brownies for a while, but you probably don't have the self control anyway and life without brownies would be pretty boring and unsatisfying.




Hmmmm, side note. I just had an idea of baking brownies with nutella. Never done it, never even thought about it, but it sounds really good.

Tease.

So here's for some random thoughts before I (hopefully) crash at a decent hour tonight.

-People are confusing and kind of suck right now. Its like I let my guard down way too easy, get burned, and keep it up unnecessarily next time. And I'm pissing people off, cuz I can never get it right.
- I've got my Ipod back, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. So yesterday I chilled to the playlist of sappy unrequited love, and today I rocked out to wicked sexy dance tunes. I guess I really am lost without it, suckers.
- I'm sick of snow. Sick of it. So tired of it. Can't wait for summer.
- New things I'm looking forward to! Starting my job (any day now), getting my tattoo (couple of weeks), Spring break (ATL!), Graduation, and Summerrrr.
- Things I dread like hell! Prom. Seriously, I have extreme prom angst. I don't think I'll sleep peacefully until its over.
- I'm on an epic puzzle doing kick. I have this massive 750 piece shot of Times Square that I'm working on.
- Oh yeah, I'm psyched to see Alice In Wonderland this weekend.
- I'm tired of spending money on stupid things, and being broke all the time because of it. Really, I don't know how to solve this problem.
- I want more goldfish. Who would have thought, big, healthy Thing 1 is dead, but little crippled blind-in-one-eye Thing 2 is still swimming?
- I'm torn between wanting some peace and absolutely craving a huge, epic, adventure. I think I need the adventure first then some peace. Too bad I've never succeeded in planning an adventure...it goes against the whole principle.
- I need to read more. I have a stack of books, so tall, that I need to read. And many more that I want to buy.
- I'm on a kick of watching old episodes of Friends. Sweet.
- I'm feeling a desire to create something worthwhile. I guess that explains the newfound puzzle obsession. Not exactly profound creation...but I have no better ideas at the moment.
- I kind of feel like that Shinedown song "Second Chance" right now. Like I really need to just go for a while. I'm not done clearing my head.
- I'm wanting who I shouldn't want again. I can't recall the last time I didn't get who I wanted, at least for a while...and I'm trying hard to not get what I want this time. Because its more complicated than it'll be worth I'm sure. I've been warned. I make notoriously inexplicable choices in guys. I wish I could stop myself, but hey, I kind of don't want to.

Hmmmm, I think that just about covers every semi-moderately-important thought right now. So I'm gonna go eat a strawberry muffin. Yeah, that's all.

Nobody warns you

Nobody warns you of the fine line between infatuation and depreciation.
Lust and loathing.
Security and alienation.
Caring and discarding.
Nobody ever said, "Hey, things can change this fast."

Nobody ever said that emotion was so volatile to change.
That what you feel tomorrow is nothing like yesterday.
That the feelings you had a month ago, somehow morphed into something completely different.

There should be a child's story to parable this.
To subconsciously prepare children, not for a happily ever after, but for a life that requires versatility.
To know that the things that happen to you one day, will be unlike anything you expected. Anything you have witnessed.

What people need to know is that there is no recipe for happiness. The plots in kids fairy tales, in sitcoms, in teen romance novels, nothing really happens just like that.
Someone needs to say, "Hey, prepare for the unexpected. Some day, you're gonna have to make up your own rules."
Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There just is you and a bunch of choices, and you're making up the story of your life one day at a time. And no matter what you expected, something crazy and opposite of that happened instead.

They always said that when one door closes, another opens. But that makes no sense. Often, there is a bunch of doors, open and closed and ajar and locked. Maybe some windows too, or an elevator or something. Or maybe there is none of this, just you and some walls and a sledgehammer, and you have to make a door yourself. Why did nobody tell you this might happen?

Sometimes people tell you things that don't matter, or don't tell you the things that matters. Alot of it you have to figure out on your own, regardless.
Some say life is like a river, flowing swiftly in one direction. But some say life is like an ocean, and I wish I could remember why. It made a lot of sense. It was just another metaphor, but I liked it.