I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

Its driving me crazy here. Not this town, I don't mind it so much. Another year here doesn't cause me angst. I can patiently await that escape.
But I have fully outgrown this house that I live in now, I have realized that. Living here is burdening me, and my parents. They won't admit it.

First off, I'm really upset right now, because my mom just took my phone away because I was in my sisters room, talking to her, and it kept my mom awake. I don't know why this even constitutes taking my phone away. Much less, the way she kept repeatedly yelling at me to "Shut up!"
It just seems so out of line. She won't listen to reason, she just screams and cusses. Both of my parents do, its like I'm the rational adult. I need rational people in my lives. I'm on the verge of tears here, because I'm not being treated the way I deserve.

And at the same time, I am a burden to them as well. Our patterns don't mesh, and it is nobody's fault. I am a night person. I often work nights, its what I prefer. I'm out late. I come home and have things to do, and it keeps them awake. We are on different sleeping and daily routines that just won't work.

Plus, my eating patterns are different. I'm working on being more healthy, and only eat when I'm hungry. I'm slowly growing where I prefer 5 small meals a day. My family are fanatics for 3 large meals, eaten when they are prepared, regardless of if I'm hungry or anything. Plus, they are really into fried/southern/pork lots of stuff I don't like. Our tastes are just different. And I feel guilty because I often don't eat when they do, and what my mom has worked to cook. I worry that i hurt her feelings by not eating her meals, but I just don't like some things.

My sense of aesthetics is different from theirs. My sense of morals and ethics are much different from theirs. My goals of living are different from theirs.
In some homes, compromises could be met. But as I said before, my parents aren't the most rational people. Especially when they become angry, which happens easily. Plus, they think that their age makes them superior and always right over me. Which is right in some cases, but they aren't able to look at different perspectives and see that I'm just plain different from them. Compromise can't be reached, I fear.

And I have approximately nine months here. Please, don't see me as some typical teen hating on their parents/home life. It isn't like that. I understand that my parents are good people in many ways. Their way of living is just different from mine now, as I have matured into my own person now. I consider myself a a young adult, not just a child anymore. And their lives are constituted by Samantha, now, anyway. All their routines and choices revolve around her. Just another reason why there is less room for me. Its like a puzzle, and my piece just doesn't fit in anymore.

And beside of the aforementioned reasons why I am better not here, is that I actually am responsible and capable of living on my own in every way, except with the exception of necessary finances. I know how to cook, clean, and generally take care of myself. More specifically, I have developed many skills that most teens don't really think about, mostly from working at Wendy's I got these. I've learned to clean other peoples toilets and bathrooms, take out trash, vaccuum and mop excessively, clean every random utility you can imagine, wash dishes, and just generally maintain order.
I know how to be responsible for myself, manage my time, even manage my money. Except I don't have money to manage.

The bottom line here is, I'm ready to move out. My learning here is pretty much done. I feel like a burden. I feel angry and suffocated. I feel guilty. I feel grateful that I am loved, but afraid that my parents don't truly understand and appreciate who I am. I feel scared because I have nine more months here. I feel alone, but mostly because I don't have my phone and so I can't here anyone's voice right now. And sometimes, you just need someone to tell you that you're gonna be okay.

As if this all wasn't enough..

You have become the standard, of which no one else is meeting.

Every conversation, I look for the quirks that were yours.
But these other people, obviously aren't you.
And so, they fail my tests.


No one can compare, and there is nothing they can do about it.
Nothing I can do about it.


Late night talks, I'm looking for those epic stories.
Won't someone else be able to give me those, at least?

Now I'm on my own, I can't let you go.

Okay so, I'm super tired, and I have to get up and work tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna try to make this short.
But i just feel like saying a few things.


Firstly, I'm feeling a tiny bit let down about the events of this summer. Not to say that it has been bad in any way. I've had many great times with many great people. I wouldn't trade these times.
But I haven't had many of those truly incredible times, those that you replay over and over. Days that could change your life.
I haven't gone all the places, met all the people, done all the things that I wanted. And I'm certainly running out of time.

I guess I'm just going to have to deal. Maybe I have my whole life for this kind of thing.
I need to get more focused on all the things I need to get done, instead of all the undefined things I wish to have happened this summer.

But hey, if you are reading this, we still have two weeks left. Lets make it a damn good two weeks :)
And a good year, also. How bout it, yo?


Secondly, I'm sick of people growing a part for me for no legit reason.
I don't really love just anybody, and when I do become real, genuine friends with a person, it kills me for her/him to just end up pushing me away.
And not giving me a reason.
And while I"m on this, all these people literally leaving and never coming back is getting damn old too.
Thanks Megan, for assuring me that you won't leave!


Thirdly, ....well. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of blogging right now, because I'm starting to rant instead of articulating intelligently. Damn.

Thats it for now then..

Lock the doors, turn out the lights, remove all your clothes.

I really just want to move forward with my life. I feel stuck, here on pause, just like I was 6 months ago.
Someone come along and break me out of this. It feels like I'm frozen in place. And the whole world around me, is either frozen or part of this giant clockwork machine.

And this scares me even worse. I'm so young, and I'm already getting sucked into the monotony of average American life. Financial troubles, obligations, mature decisions, less time for fun. I'm growing up, whether I like it or not. Every day I'm closer to being on my own. In a way, this is very frightening. Not because I'm afraid of failure in the typical sense. That just isn't likely to me. What I am afraid of, is that some choice I'm making now is going to determine how frozen I become in the clockwork of every day life.
Its hard to explain in the right words.
I don't want to become one of those cookie-cutter adults, those stuck in their lives. Financial worries or responsibilities or SOMETHING weighs people down, and, at some point, I think most people stop seeing the beauty of things (if they ever did to begin with). They become so consumed by some aspect of their adult lives that they stop living. They become a by product of this consumer-economy driven industry, just another piece trying to earn enough money to stay alive.

I don't see joy in this.
I have to catch myself at that crucial moment, whenever it may be, and retain a bit of my youth.
I want to be able to be carefree, to stop and just enjoy how pretty the sky is. To think. To write. To engage in thoughtful and fulfilling conversation.
I want my life to be more than earning enough to get the bills paid. More than raising kids and hoping that they get into the right college.

I don't want living to become an obligation.

I've always been afraid of getting old in the physical sense. But now, the full impact of growing old emotionally has hit me. I don't want it to happen to me. Ever.

But at the same time, I want to get out of this way that I'm frozen.
Nothing big is happening; none of those epic nights or insane revelations.

But those things come and go. I just don't want to wake up one day and realize that I grew past all of that.
That I'm too old, and too trapped.
I don't want an ordinary, cookie-cutter, step by step to reach this goal, life.
I don't want it to be all about reaching these pointless achievements meaningless outside of average corporate America.

I want to find an environment and a lifestyle that supports...whatever way I want to live. Retaining my youth and all that.
Being allowed to think, and question, and laugh, and do things just because.
Being able to appreciate the randomness and beauty of...everything.

Mostly, I don't want to become tied down to something that will keep me forever trapped in this just-barely-living life.
And every time my life gets paused, and the huge impacts stop for a while, it scares me.
Because I can't imagine my life being put on pause repentantly, instead merely fulfilling some small role in today's average world, where success is measured in so many terms that simply don't matter, and provide no satisfaction outside of the working world.

Spare me this monotonous pseudo-existence, and instead help me in instead living for real, personal satisfaction and discovery.

Give me envy, give me malice, baby give me a break.

So I feel like shit, and I can't sleep. So I'm gonna write a blog, but I'm gonna do something a little bit different. I'm gonna list all the things I really dislike, starting with what is bothering me right now.

- Damn myspace and its shitty problems. Its always something. (Like right now, my bullitens won't post. I've posted the same one three times tonight, and it hasn't actually gone up yet. And its important too. If bullitens worked, I probably wouldn't even be blogging right now.)
- Feeling like shit and not being able to sleep. (Thats my other problem right now.)
- People who are total annoying fanatics over Twilight. Especially those fangirls who are all like, "I'm Mrs Cullen." (Shut the fuck up, bitch. You aren't married to a fictional character. Dumbass. Oh yeah, and have I ever mentioned that, if you want to love a fictional character, there are way sexier, less cliche ones out there? Actually try reading something that isn't Twilight.)
- Fangirls in general. Its creepy.
- And fanboys. (Especially those random guys that I seriously don't recall ever meeting, that leave me wierd Myspace comments, or worse, come up to me in person and are all like "remember that time we talked about...blah blah." No, I don't remember. And no, I don't care. I don't like creepy stalker fanpeople.)
- Slow drivers.
- People who don't use their blinkers. (All you have to do is move your hand about an centimeter! How hard is that?)
- People who are seriously hating on Obama, just because he is Black, and/or has a Muslim name. (Dumbass. Get a little educated and get over ignorant prejudices. What more is there to say, that you could possibly understand?)
- Indoctrination. (I understand, some people do need religion. But if we stopped indoctrinating kids, less people would grow up using religion as a crutch. Plus, getting saved/babtized/whatever in fucking elementary makes absolutely no sense anyway to begin with. Like, you can't make legal decisions about sex until you are 17, about tobacco until you are 18, and about alcohol until you are 21. But you can make a serious decision about the eternal salvation/damnation of your soul at the age of 8?!?! I think not. Your mind does not even begin to have the capacity to understand the weight and implications of the "decision" you are making. Thus, indoctrination, of children into something they don't even understand. A form of brainwashing, seriously.)
- People who say other people are going to Hell, and are serious. (Since when were you God? Go ahead, damn me to Hell then. Hypocrite. The "point" of religion is to love everybody, I was told, yet no one lives it. )
- People who say "I hate drama" or something like that on their Myspace page or whatever. (No one has ever claimed to like it. Yet everyone causes it. Stop being so self righteous, please.)
- The time lost while sleeping. ( I love sleeping, I do I do, but just thinking about how one third of my life is spent horizontal and unconscious sort of depresses me.)
- Overly sexual people. (We all have our whole lives, hypothetically, to do whatever we want. You don't have to get your hand down somebody's pants within the first five minutes of making out. Overly anxious freaks.)
- Underly sexual people. ( I honestly don't understand the whole concept of wanting to have sex with only one person for your whole life, but I can try to respect it. I really can't understand wanting to only have one love/one kiss/whatever though. Get out there and have some experiences.)
- People who leave. (That sounds really vague, and that's because it is. Really cool people keep randomly leaving, vanishing, and going fuck knows where for extended periods of time. Only to finally come back here, and yet be so vague that I can't find them. I miss a ton of people who just...left.)
- Curfews. (I'm a night person. I have the most fun at night. Let me have my fun, please.)
- People who leave, emotionally. (Its not cool to just leave me hanging. If you really wanted to cut all ties with me, I could understand. Or at least give me some closure. All these maybes and vagueness sucks. Oh yeah, the people I'm talking about with this, are ones that I miss.)
- People who don't call when they say they will.
- People who call too much, when I clearly don't want to talk to you.
- People who text too much. (If I'm not writing back, take the hint.)
- Secret players. (Just be upfront about your playing, and I'll be happy.)
- Falling too fast. (This includes me falling too fast for people that I shouldn't, and also people who fall too fast for me and I just can't make myself give a shit about you. This also includes anybody who has the date they started going out with somebody all over their myspace/whatever, and they've been going out for like two weeks. Or a month. Lameass.)
- People in "love." (I wish I could ask every one of you what love means to you. I know you don't have it.)
- Real love. (Its not that I don't like it, its just that it is such a trickster.)
- Audio books. (What the fuck.)


Okay, thats all for now.
I just looked at my television and the video for You Belong With Me is on!!
I'm gonna rock out to that, watch The Mighty Boosh, and hopefully get some sleep.