You talk about me and you talk about you, and all the things I do. Like its something that needs repeating.

The way I feel changes so fast. I feel like daily, I'm having to reevaluate what I want and readjust what I'm doing to be satisfied.
I know what I want. But I also know that it will be something different tomorrow.

I'm so caught up in myself that I'm disregarding my commitments. I can't get ahead. Once I make it past this Expert Project I think I will be okay. Ask me how I feel December 4th. Probably amazing. I could start another countdown just for that.
And other than that, I feel great about most things.

I need motivation. Other than that, I'm great. I'm happy.

This was one of my more pointless blogs. Sorry.

When I'm happy I rarely have much to say. Most of my blogs are so..angry and down usually. Or just funny.

This is the song for how I feel right now :)




Your loss. If you stop texting, and people stop asking, it would be gone from my head. You are just another story. Its disappointing, but hey, I like a good story.

Offer expires 12/06/09

So reads my Ihop Coupons.
These coupons could be destiny, but only before they expire.

What if our whole lives were defined by offers, with vastly important outcomes?
But they could only be fulfilled before a certain deadline?
And if, once the deadline is past, our said "fate" becomes void?

All the deadlines, ending our potential.
Our our underlying unfulfilled potential.
We will never know though, because the deadline already passed.

And I'm dreaming, tripping over you.

Well, I never wanted to become one of those girls who become attached. I'm too worrisome and analytical about you already. Its like, I worry and wonder how you feel, if everything's okay, with us particularly. I so rarely doubt myself, or question what I have. I don't know why I'm doing it this time.

Most of the time, I already feel like I can trust you. And the signs seem good. But any little thing that can be taken as bad, I'm over analyzing it. I really wish I wasn't worrying myself like this.

Things feel different. I don't want to get bored or hurt you or do something wrong. I still worry about all these things, but not so much. I feel so typical now, having these cliche doubts instead.

It could all be nothing. We could be nothing. But I hope not. I don't know what I hope for, though. I get scared easily. Of change, of commitment, and of strong feelings and emotional attachments. These are things I need to get over. I need to come to terms with my fears and move past it. And see where things go, perhaps.



So here's my song of the day:



It was on Gossip Girl and it is just fabulous :)
I'm going through quite a Mika addiction lately. Particularly for this song.

Liberation Pt. 2

And now, I'm relinquishing control, letting go of the constraints and pressures regarding decisions for my future.

I will let go of any notions I have of setting a plan anytime soon. I will wait until April to make my final decision.
That is, tomorrow, I will call the financial aid people at Duke. If it is financially a possibility, I will apply and hope. Its a big dream, but I have to try. I won't know until April if I am accepted.
I won't know until April where I'll be spending the next several years of my life.
I hoped I would know before now. But I think I've said it before. Someone has said it before...adventures come from planning things to be a certain way, but going and ending up somewhere else instead. Maybe not what you expected, and not what you planned.

So, by not having a plan, I leave myself with possibilities. If I am not accepted, I have Mercer. (UGA and GA State too). If I am accepted, then I have a choice.
And really, I'll be more prepared to make this choice 6 months from now. It is a long time to wait, but perhaps it will be for the better.
I will be informed, grown, and ready to make the decision then. I will be more of an adult.
And if I'm not accepted then..well hell, its about time for me to learn to deal with rejection.
And I need to learn patience, as well.

So I'm letting go of my plans, my securities. I will instead wait, and hope, and prepare for the possibilities.

I am afraid, afraid of being rejected. But if I do not try, I will spend probably the rest of my life wondering what would have happened.

Liberation

Love me, love me, love me, for exactly who I am.
If you can't, then it is truly your loss.
You don't even have to love me, I am already satisfied with the amount of love in my life.
We can just enjoy our time together here, it is growing short.
Appreciate me, respect me, trust me, is what I'm trying to say.

This morning, I have realized that if anyone wants to walk away from me, I don't have to chase after.
I don't need to chase after.
I have done no personal wrong. If you can't try to respect the choice I make, then you really don't understand me as well as I had hoped.
And once again, it is your loss.

Because right now, I'm inexplicably happy.
Just about everything, life in general.
I have what I need, plus some. I wish I had more time. I wish time would fly by.
I've come to terms with so much, now.
My future, my present, and my past.
It certainly isn't closure, but it is better.
Understanding and acceptance.

Its all about the big picture, and the little things that make it worth it all the while, too.
And putting it all together, and feeling complete.
I'm proud of what I've become.
I take credit of my past, good and bad. It had defined me.
I'm embracing my present. I'll make good use of it, because it is rapidly becoming the past.
I'm looking forward to my future. I'm completely unsure of what it holds. But I know that any choice will bring me a different sort of happiness. The choices define who I become and where my life heads. And it really is up to me, to choose the path for the rest of my life.
I am excited.


Our time here is short, and I won't spend it standing out in the cold, simply waiting for life to begin.
I'll go do exactly what I want, when I want to. No waiting.