Liberation Pt. 2

And now, I'm relinquishing control, letting go of the constraints and pressures regarding decisions for my future.

I will let go of any notions I have of setting a plan anytime soon. I will wait until April to make my final decision.
That is, tomorrow, I will call the financial aid people at Duke. If it is financially a possibility, I will apply and hope. Its a big dream, but I have to try. I won't know until April if I am accepted.
I won't know until April where I'll be spending the next several years of my life.
I hoped I would know before now. But I think I've said it before. Someone has said it before...adventures come from planning things to be a certain way, but going and ending up somewhere else instead. Maybe not what you expected, and not what you planned.

So, by not having a plan, I leave myself with possibilities. If I am not accepted, I have Mercer. (UGA and GA State too). If I am accepted, then I have a choice.
And really, I'll be more prepared to make this choice 6 months from now. It is a long time to wait, but perhaps it will be for the better.
I will be informed, grown, and ready to make the decision then. I will be more of an adult.
And if I'm not accepted then..well hell, its about time for me to learn to deal with rejection.
And I need to learn patience, as well.

So I'm letting go of my plans, my securities. I will instead wait, and hope, and prepare for the possibilities.

I am afraid, afraid of being rejected. But if I do not try, I will spend probably the rest of my life wondering what would have happened.

Liberation

Love me, love me, love me, for exactly who I am.
If you can't, then it is truly your loss.
You don't even have to love me, I am already satisfied with the amount of love in my life.
We can just enjoy our time together here, it is growing short.
Appreciate me, respect me, trust me, is what I'm trying to say.

This morning, I have realized that if anyone wants to walk away from me, I don't have to chase after.
I don't need to chase after.
I have done no personal wrong. If you can't try to respect the choice I make, then you really don't understand me as well as I had hoped.
And once again, it is your loss.

Because right now, I'm inexplicably happy.
Just about everything, life in general.
I have what I need, plus some. I wish I had more time. I wish time would fly by.
I've come to terms with so much, now.
My future, my present, and my past.
It certainly isn't closure, but it is better.
Understanding and acceptance.

Its all about the big picture, and the little things that make it worth it all the while, too.
And putting it all together, and feeling complete.
I'm proud of what I've become.
I take credit of my past, good and bad. It had defined me.
I'm embracing my present. I'll make good use of it, because it is rapidly becoming the past.
I'm looking forward to my future. I'm completely unsure of what it holds. But I know that any choice will bring me a different sort of happiness. The choices define who I become and where my life heads. And it really is up to me, to choose the path for the rest of my life.
I am excited.


Our time here is short, and I won't spend it standing out in the cold, simply waiting for life to begin.
I'll go do exactly what I want, when I want to. No waiting.

Love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the pouring rain...

And finding a bag of gold coins, only to find out they're all filled with chocolate.
And even though he is heartbroken, he can't complain.
Cuz he was hungry in the first place.



I don't understand why I'm kicking ass at my AP Psychology, but am barely getting by in Mythology.
It could be because Psych is so much more interesting...but that isn't it. I like both, really.
I'm just doing a shitty job of applying myself.


This break has been such a non-break from stress. Seriously.
Softball is just extreme, i can't catch a second of down time from it.
And I'm feeling morally conflicted as well, on a bigger sort of issue.

But I'm allowed some fun, right?
I'm hoping for some this weekend.

And answers. I'm so beyond confused.
I hope I'm not being "typical" about this. You know, naive.
But everyone is naive sometimes...probably. Even me.
Forgive me if things go badly, please.







And this video gives me such a blast of nostalgia.
I was there, that is ME up there in the front row :)
It brings back old times, but this song also means a little bit more now..

An Adventure is..

Planning to go somewhere, but ending up doing something else instead.



I'm enjoying an already epic fall break, and listening to some epic Dance Gavin Dance.
And really hoping to go to The Fall of Troy show next weekend. And a massive haunted house.
I miss Megan alreadyyyy.
I'm ridiculously sleepy, and running on like 5 ish hours for the whole of break thus far.
Mchickkaaa.

I need a new Palahniuk.

If you want to be Passionate,

I think you should first know how to spell the word passion.


Not to be an overly cynical smartass or anything, but that seems...moderately important ;)



Incidentally, my life doesn't have much passion currently. Its too overwhelmingly busy for that.
But its okay, I feel like I'm sort of getting a lot done. College decisions are overwhelming me. Softball is taking up way to much time. I really want to start going to the gym soon. I want to be doing more for fun reading and more for fun writing again. I want to just lie down in some green green grass and do the things I do best. Which isn't much but there is no time for sitting right now.

And most importantly, over fall break, I want to have a couple of adventures. I don't know how, what with the time shortage and general lack of adventures around here. But I keep hoping.