Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

^^^That is the philosophy that I am exploring tonight.
The Palahniukian idea that says:

“Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

“I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.”

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”


What I'm saying is, I'm wanting to fuck shit up. I want to create chaos. I want to break this down and see what happens. What is created from this social destruction. I want to break the cycle. I know doing this will piss people off, maybe change the course of somebody's life. I want to see something happen. Do things that might seem foolish, and push I few boundaries.
I want to see what happens after. What I become, and what they become. What kind of creation comes after intentional destruction.
I'm afraid of this. Doing what i want. But hey, my favorite author seems to philosophically support my desires.

And heres my favorite, the thesis of it all:

"'I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."

After its all said and done, I'd like to find this.

Untitled.

Its like watching destruction.
Cheating and lies.
Is this love?

Is this what I want for myself, too?
Could it be any different fro me, really?
I want what i can't have. If I could have it, would I really want it?

I wish I could stop hoping for you.
I see the things you do.
And wonder if you would treat me like that. Hoping you wouldn't.
But probably, you would.

Its like watching destruction.
And being a part of it.
Cheating and lies.
It would go on, with or without me, because its just who you are.
Is this love?


I want to walk away, for a while.
I wish I had the space to clear my head.
We all deserve better.
We are all so fucked up.
And keep fucking each other up, more each day.
Will anyone ever have the power to say "Stop"?
And end it...I think not.

We are all addicted to what we have.
It causes pain, but we stay.
I want to walk away.
I want to stay close to you.
I don't want to love you.

Guilt Free Living.

It doesn't mean much, but I'm done blaming myself. This has probably come much too late, but I'm living guilt free. You deserved it.


Its times like this, I wish I believed in Karma. If what goes around, comes around, I could smile and remind myself you have it coming. You deserve to have it coming. But do you? Its more of a Chance thing. We might as well flip a coin to decide, probably.

It would feel so comforting to believe that Karma would get you. But as it is, maybe the only thing that could get you was me. So, I don't feel guilty. Just sad that it may be all the misfortune that comes to you. Maybe I was the "Karma" here.

Or maybe, we could reverse that. Say I deserve to have it coming, and you getting what you want is merely so I don't get what I want. It goes both ways.

Maybe we were both in the wrong.
But I feel entitled. I feel justified.
My dear, you don't deserve shit. I would like to see that fulfilled. I would love to be the Karma that bites you in the ass. Can I do that? My mission is to figure out how.

My Countdowns :)

Instead of whining about my present (which is what I'm doing constantly; I hate the cold, frigid, snowy, ways of today) I am going to make a list of the 3 BIG THINGS that will happen in the next few months, that will liberate me and make me so happy :)

Thing 1: Getting a job. (Sometime in late February). To do this, I need to create my resume, get it in, and hope that they actually hire me. I'll be so glad to be working at Walmart...its not oober classy, but its a step up for me. I need the money and responsibility that will come with having a job again. I'm going crazy right now to be working. Plus, I just indulged in my second to last (probably) shopping until I actually get a job, because I'm so close to being broke. I want to buy some books and movies from Amazon, but that needs to be IT until I'm making money again. And I'm so excited that I could have a decent job, anyway.

Thing 2: My Birthday. (February 23rd). It is my 18th, I will have the legal freedoms and respected adulthoods that will come with this age. Its a big step toward maturity. Plus, my parents will probably slack off a bit, and give me some more leniency with various things when I am 18. Hell, I'm responsible enough already. But I need the legal backing and general awesomeness that comes with being 18.

Thing 3: Graduation. (May 21st, unless the snow causes it to be pushed back a few days). This one is pretty self explanatory. After graduation, I shall embark on the Epic Summer Before College.

This all seems pretty freaking sweet.
Not to mention, as the time passes, the weather will keep getting warmer, and these things will keep getting closer, and I'll just keep becoming more awesome. Maybe just kidding about the last part.

Anyway, the future looks so great, I just want to fast forward. I have alot to be excited for.

Part 2.

It was a conversation I needed to have. I guess it wasn't earth shattering, or mind blowing, but it made me feel infinitely better. Letting him know how I felt. Letting him know that part of it hurt me. The fact that he cared enough to listen, and to apologize, it means enough. Hopefully we will now be friends, good friends he says, and that is all for now. And I completely understand why. (This is much more than I expected, anyway).

Mostly, I feel that by speaking up, and asking the question that I needed answered, was the best part of it all. The revelation lies in the fact that I've grown up enough to reach out, and ask these questions. If I can risk hearing what I don't want to hear, in order to get the answer I need to move forward, well, I feel emotionally older now. Stronger that I can do this. Less passive. More empowered, regardless of the situation.

So I guess you could say, I've gained security in two senses tonight. A definition of our relationship, but also an idea of how much more mature, tactful, and healthy I have become in how I treat myself. From now on, I will try to continue respecting my emotions like this.