I can't believe...

Its been almost a month since I blogged last. I guess its one of those times where I'm so busy in life, that i don't have as much time to write about it. Or maybe I'm doing so many things, but not so many things epic enough to write about. Or maybe I'm just relying on Tumblr more.

But anyway, I guess its been a strange month, but really, what month hasn't been strange lately?
Its kind of like a process, and I feel like an adult now. I'm happy and sad and mostly tired and broke and trying so hard to keep things together and I feel rewarded but scared for my future but also so excited.
My mind is, at best, a conglomeration of emotions that I simply cannot spit out poetically yet. Its a mess in there. A good mess. I'm proud of everything that happens, and how I'm dealing and learning.
I'm trying to control everything with lists and lists and more lists. I make post-its with my Daily Objectives now. Holding things together, getting things done, its what I"m trying to do.
I feel like I"m trying to stay in control. Because I've been given a lot of it all at once, and its a lot to do.

Mostly I"m so excited for everything, absolutely everything, coming up. I feel like I'm pulling together a college experience designed for me. But sometimes, the worst thoughts come to me. I remember my youth, being shoved into situations with people who I don't like and who don't like me. I lived, but I don't want to ever do that again. College will not be like that, right? I'm being ridiculous.



I feel like that Palahniuk anecdote, the one about how people are just rocks in a machine, put in all rough but tossed round and round, bashing against the walls and the other rocks, until they come out smooth and beautiful. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about that.

Invisible Kids.

I've spent years of my life trying to pick up the broken, the fucked up, and hopeless. Trying to put them back together piece by peace, and give them hope, and reasons, and a better life.

I feel like I'm in a room, surrounded by shelves and shelves of vases, and they keep falling off and shattering into tiny pieces. And I'm dashing around, doing everything i can to pick up all the little pieces and glue them back together. But I'm clumsy and slow and just one person anyway, and maybe I'm not even making much of a difference. So then I run around trying to catch them before they hit the ground, catch them safe in my arms and put them back where they belong. But that's hard to do, too. And I feel so sad because some of these vases belonged to somebody special, somebody who is hurting worse than I am to see them break. And then I feel even worse when I realized, some of these vases belong to nobody, and when they break, they slide into a sort of nonexistence and nobody even misses them, or thinks fondly of them.
And all around the world vases keep falling,and sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it makes me angry. Because sometimes, they should have had the initiative to take care of themselves. Just stay away from the damn ledge in the first place But maybe they were pushed, and its too late now to blame the past anyway. But here in the present, all I can do is try to put them back together or catch them if i can. Some don't want to be put back together and I'm cutting my hands on their sharp edges, getting knocked to the ground when I catch them in my arms. Even now, they don't care enough to be fixed. And more just keep falling, faster than I can ever keep up.

And at some point I have to step back and realize there's only so much I can do. But I can't get out now, because now the ones that I value are falling. I never expected mine to fall. I absolutely love some of these, and I can't stand to see them smashed. But there's nothing more I can do.


I wish I could reach out and pick up so many of those that have fallen, give love and hope to people who don't have it, because they never have and probably never will have these things. But on the other hand, I'm only human too, and there are people that I think have made too many mistakes, who don't deserve these things anymore. I don't see a way to do what i want to do, to help those lost kids that sometimes, I wonder if the rest of the world sees. I see them, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Perspectives.

Instead of feeling sad for the times I'm not with you, I'm remembering the times that I am. I'm not sad that you aren't talking to me, or thinking of me now, because sometimes you do, and sometimes you are. I'm not sad that I'm not with you today, because one day, I will be again. Missing you now only gives me hope for later.



Instead of feeling jealous of what you have, I want to find an emotion to replace this. Wishing unhappiness for you really does little to make me happy. I haven't figured this one out yet, but instead of dwelling on what you have, that I don't, I want to find a way to totally disconnect myself form you. That will take time.



I don't want to wish my life away. Maybe I demonstrate too much wishful thinking, have too many countdowns, and am putting too much faith in tomorrow topping today. I want today to be enough.



I'm trying to change the way I look at things. And for now, this is enough.

If the brownie is just sitting there on a plate,

I'm content just knowing its there.
I can look at it, and remind myself, that, if I get hungry, all I have to do is go get it.
But I don't really want it now, its more of a comfort thing.

But if someone else comes and picks it up, takes it, then I want it.
Devouring it before my eyes makes me desire it for myself.

I'll always want what I can't have.
I'll want it too late.

Brownies.

So Hillary has inspired me to the wonders of expressing yourself through food parallels. So here goes.


Lets say you like brownies. You are in the sweet shop and there are so many choices, but its hard to choose what kind you want, because there are so many types of brownies when you think about it. A brownie just isn't that, because they are all so different.

You have your regular old typical brownies. But who really cares about those. You see them everyday, they are just average and boring and really, if you are gonna get a brownie, get something better than average.

You have marshmallow filled brownies, which is pretty unusual but comes off as really fulfilling at first. Its sweet and tasty, and not something you find everyday. But eventually the sticky marshmallow gets all over your hands and its gooey and messy and it isn't fair that something so tasty should be such a pain at the same time. But if you keep eating this brownie, you start sticking to things and the paper towel will stick to your hands and get all over your clothes and its really a hard situation to get out of. The only way to avoid this really, is to not eat marshmallow brownies, which apparently, is what most people do. Because if you do eat them, you have a mess to clean up afterward, and probably need a long hot shower before you are okay and clean again. Not saying they aren't worth it, but they come with consequences.

You have brownies with nuts inside. They sound alright, except for the fact I don't like nuts. I don't understand why people put nuts in brownies, ever. You can try to pick around them and make the best with what you have, but what you have after picking out all the nuts is kind of a bunch of crumbs. A nut brownie without the nuts just isn't itself, and you can't change that. The brownie has already been baked, and I'll spend my life trying to make it better but really, there's nothing I can do about it. Nuts will get stuck in your teeth and make you feel like hell, even if you aren't allergic. They don't taste good, they don't look good, but the rest of the brownie is so appealing that you keep trying to make it work. But it doesn't, because you can't change the ingredients after the baking has went down.

You have brownies with fudge. Some people think fudge is delightful, in fact many people do. To me, its too rich and so unnecessary and I can't make myself like it. So, I don't know much to say about these brownies, except that they probably make you fat and just don' appeal to me anyway.

You have brownies with peanut butter. The fact is, these are my favorites but I personally rarely see them in sweet shops. (They are the kind of thing I have to make at home, so they involve more work and a lot more complications. And besides, we are in a sweet shop, creating your own ideal brownie isn't what goes on here.) If you see a peanut butter brownie, chances are it belongs to someone else, is really expensive, or really just bad. These brownies are the type to break apart, and sometimes putting the pieces together to make it worthwhile is difficult too. Sometimes, maybe these ones don't even want you, really. They are just there for kicks. They sure are tasty though, when you get one. But they certainly don't last long.

You have special brownies. Illegal, fun, and with potentially hazardous side effects. Handle these brownies with caution. They could come with regret and/or legal issues. But there is something tempting about them.

There are surely other brownies, but the fact is, they just don't catch the eye, and you aren't interesting in trying them. You probably don't even notice that they are there. You already have more choices than you can handle.



With all these different choices, whats a person to do? Its too difficult to choose just one kind, but you can't keep sampling them all for ever. Plus, there's nothing wrong with dieting. That would be healthy and probably wise, to cut out brownies for a while, but you probably don't have the self control anyway and life without brownies would be pretty boring and unsatisfying.




Hmmmm, side note. I just had an idea of baking brownies with nutella. Never done it, never even thought about it, but it sounds really good.