Is it?

I realize that I haven't blogged here since settling in. This was almost two months ago. This is crazy. I miss writing so much but my thoughts don't make much sense anymore. I'm all over the place. There's no rhyme or reason to much anymore and I feel that trying to put everything into words, the meaning just gets lost. And plus I'm too busy most of the time. But here I am late at night, not yet sleeping but not out partying either, which is quite good, you see.

And I don't know how to sum up my life as of now except that I'm quite possibly happier than I've ever been. Every day is new and lovely and unexpected. I meet new and fabulous people so often, and the only thing that saddens me is that I may never see them again. There is too much to keep up with. I'm not just hanging on for something right now; I feel like I'm just living and enjoying this fact.

I could be wrong but I may be on the verge of even more here; we will see soon. Right now my mind is a mess and words wouldn't straighten this one out. But tonight I went and looked at old pictures...ones from like 2 years ago...and I see how much things have changed. I miss some of these people so much, and some I care not a bit about. I see who is still here with me now and this means something. But the memories brought back by these pictures made me sad for a bit. I'm ready to keep going forward.


Life is pretty beautiful here.
Really intense.
I don't really know where the fuck I'm going anymore.
I'm questioning decisions, I want to find the answers that take me to happiness.
I am honest with myself and love who I am becoming.
And I wish I had the time and means to write about it all, and take pictures of it all, and hold on to it, because this feels like the beginning of "the best years of your life."

Transition.

The college transition - its the one I'd been so excited for for...well, years, really. This is when I expected to be the most fulfilling and happiest part of my life. And I'm waiting for that part to begin.

Because, of course, this isn't how I expected. I miss so many aspects of my old life, so vibrantly that it hurts. So much. Really, I miss my steady income and my friends. I knew the greatest people in the world, and I'm so scared that we will grow apart here. I'll fight to keep it from happening. I'm scared I'll never meet people like the ones I already know. They complete my world, really.
This was the best summer I'd ever had. I was busy and happy. Always something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go. And now its gone. I'm starting over, maybe with something better, but I hate to see it go.

I don't want these people to drift out of my life, more than anything. I'm so sad because I fear that it might happen.


But other than that, I guess I'm pretty happy here. Still adjusting, still irritated with some aspects of freshmen orientation. But I'm happy with where I live and with my classes. And if I can find a job then I'll be fine. If I can keep my old friends as well as finding new ones I'll be more than fine.

I want to be insanely happy here, the way I expected it to be. Maybe it just takes some time.

Love on Hold.

Maybe I'm just ridiculous and melodramatic;
but for once I think I feel something real.

For months I battled to deny that it could exist.
For months you were gone.
After almost a year, I know your touch.
I feel your heart.
And hundreds of miles apart again, you are the consuming entity of my mind.

You aren't mine, and I am not yours.
But in my mind is potential for so much more.
I said "wait."
And it can't be taken back.

But you are the one who's very existence makes me feel complete.
I could talk to you for a lifetime.
Sit next to you just enjoying your presence.
Lying with you feels like home.
But just seeing you smile can make me fly.
So I can wait for this. Because I can't even imagine anything better.

But its real.
I've seen you sad and angry and happy and tired.
As a person you are complete. And beautiful.

This was the toughest Goodbye.
And each day what I feel grows stronger.
I wonder where you are and if you feel the same.
The story begins again at the next Hello.

Driving Slow on Sunday morning, I never want to leave.

I wish I would stay here longer. I like it here, I feel independent and free and peaceful and happy. Surrounded by people that make me happy. And there is so much left to do that we haven't done yet. And today is the last day to fit in as much as we can.
Everyone is still asleep. I'm quite awake, I can't sleep when I have so much on my mind.

I guess I don't get all the things I want here, though. Its okay, I guess I can keep waiting. I don't understand the situation. Its the same thing as before, I've already done this. But maybe not. Only time will tell, and I hope it does eventually become clear.

And I can't believe I have to go back to my mundane blairsville life for 2 more weeks. I'll pack and buy everything I need and say my goodbyes and its time for something totally new, my new life. I'm ready but I wish I understood what was going on here. In my head there is so much that doesn't make sense. but I'll be okay, however it works out.

Every time I come home, we fight.

And then you say you don't understand, ask me why I so rarely come home.
And I don't know how to tell you this;
but the reason I never come home is because it is always like it is tonight.
Tonight, I had just gotten several emails from Mercer: my summer orientation schedule, some reading assignments and discussion ideas, and my schedule that was changed because of my AP scores.
And I was so excited, I tried to talk to you about these things. You don't even listen, or care. You just tell me to wake up early tomorrow and go pick up my sister.
Forget the plans I may already have. Forget even listening to me, or acting like you care about my future that I'm so excited about.
I never come home, because you aren't interested in who I've become.
When I come home, you don't ask me about...anything. You just tell me I need to clean my room, or my car, or pick up my sister, or wash some dishes that I didn't dirty.
Because I don't remember the last meal I ate here.
And this makes me so, so, so unbelieveably sad.
But I feel as if I barely belong.
And I don't want to belong, really. This place isn't my future.
I know what my future is, and I"m so excited. And I wish so much that you would care. Ask me about my schedule and classes or maybe my AP scores or do I need any thing like new bedsheets or even just how am I feeling.
All I get is, go clean your room.
I feel so close to more goodbyes. This isn't my life anymore here. And its down to weeks until I"m gone to where my life is.