If this is goodbye for real, then these are the words I would want to leave you with:

You fucking matter. Maybe it was all in my head but to me, you were significant.
Are significant.
Will remain significant.

For a long while we were friends.
Friends, lovers, nothing.
And of all the things that have hurt me, the nothing part undoubtably hurts the most. Not having you in my life at all is difficult and confusing.

Because after 19 years, you are the guy i chose to lose my virginity to, for logic that i can't even explain to myself.
But I don't regret it.
Significant.

And there are so damn many things i would like to say to you, but the bottom line is this.
For some reason, I care about you. And when I care, that doesn't change.
I don't just miss your company.
I worry about your probation and whether or not you had enough gas to make it home or if you are stranded on some road some where and will you ever get out of blairsville.
I care.
And I hope you are doing okay, and will find some thing that makes you happy, and fight for that.

And I hope that this isn't goodbye forever.

Lets see how it goes.

Another long interlude without writing. And I may not be totally sober nor may I know exactly what I want to say except I hope I have the energy and creativity and inspiration to start writing in my journal.
Because just maybe, I'm feeling things I've never felt before. This is different but I feel that it may be something real. Something comfortable and peaceful and exciting and just maybe what I'm looking for.


All I know is that I look at you and see someone beautiful.
Inside and out.
And someone strong and intelligent and interesting and it just feels so.
Right.
So how I want to feel.
Like a piece I didn't know wasn't there before.
(Just maybe).
And its nothing I've ever done before.
But I don't feel fear.
Its like maybe looking at the sky and seeing this great star that you never knew was there before.
And someone names that star for you.
(But that doesn't feel like the exactly right metaphor).
Its like this lovely adventure.
Where you aren't alone.
But I honestly don't have the right words for it yet.

Is it?

I realize that I haven't blogged here since settling in. This was almost two months ago. This is crazy. I miss writing so much but my thoughts don't make much sense anymore. I'm all over the place. There's no rhyme or reason to much anymore and I feel that trying to put everything into words, the meaning just gets lost. And plus I'm too busy most of the time. But here I am late at night, not yet sleeping but not out partying either, which is quite good, you see.

And I don't know how to sum up my life as of now except that I'm quite possibly happier than I've ever been. Every day is new and lovely and unexpected. I meet new and fabulous people so often, and the only thing that saddens me is that I may never see them again. There is too much to keep up with. I'm not just hanging on for something right now; I feel like I'm just living and enjoying this fact.

I could be wrong but I may be on the verge of even more here; we will see soon. Right now my mind is a mess and words wouldn't straighten this one out. But tonight I went and looked at old pictures...ones from like 2 years ago...and I see how much things have changed. I miss some of these people so much, and some I care not a bit about. I see who is still here with me now and this means something. But the memories brought back by these pictures made me sad for a bit. I'm ready to keep going forward.


Life is pretty beautiful here.
Really intense.
I don't really know where the fuck I'm going anymore.
I'm questioning decisions, I want to find the answers that take me to happiness.
I am honest with myself and love who I am becoming.
And I wish I had the time and means to write about it all, and take pictures of it all, and hold on to it, because this feels like the beginning of "the best years of your life."

Transition.

The college transition - its the one I'd been so excited for for...well, years, really. This is when I expected to be the most fulfilling and happiest part of my life. And I'm waiting for that part to begin.

Because, of course, this isn't how I expected. I miss so many aspects of my old life, so vibrantly that it hurts. So much. Really, I miss my steady income and my friends. I knew the greatest people in the world, and I'm so scared that we will grow apart here. I'll fight to keep it from happening. I'm scared I'll never meet people like the ones I already know. They complete my world, really.
This was the best summer I'd ever had. I was busy and happy. Always something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go. And now its gone. I'm starting over, maybe with something better, but I hate to see it go.

I don't want these people to drift out of my life, more than anything. I'm so sad because I fear that it might happen.


But other than that, I guess I'm pretty happy here. Still adjusting, still irritated with some aspects of freshmen orientation. But I'm happy with where I live and with my classes. And if I can find a job then I'll be fine. If I can keep my old friends as well as finding new ones I'll be more than fine.

I want to be insanely happy here, the way I expected it to be. Maybe it just takes some time.

Love on Hold.

Maybe I'm just ridiculous and melodramatic;
but for once I think I feel something real.

For months I battled to deny that it could exist.
For months you were gone.
After almost a year, I know your touch.
I feel your heart.
And hundreds of miles apart again, you are the consuming entity of my mind.

You aren't mine, and I am not yours.
But in my mind is potential for so much more.
I said "wait."
And it can't be taken back.

But you are the one who's very existence makes me feel complete.
I could talk to you for a lifetime.
Sit next to you just enjoying your presence.
Lying with you feels like home.
But just seeing you smile can make me fly.
So I can wait for this. Because I can't even imagine anything better.

But its real.
I've seen you sad and angry and happy and tired.
As a person you are complete. And beautiful.

This was the toughest Goodbye.
And each day what I feel grows stronger.
I wonder where you are and if you feel the same.
The story begins again at the next Hello.