I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you.

So there really is nothing to do when the power goes out. I just got home, and I haven’t even got to blog yet, because there is no internet! Ironically, I’m typing this on a word file because I obviously can’t access blogspot right now. I can save this, and post it later…
Basically, my choices with no power are to: Sleep; read The Handmaid’s Tale, continue sending pointless texts, or begin some blog. And so, the latter is what I choose. I don’t really know where I’m headed with this blog, like so many others that I begin. I’m still feeling a lot of things, which is so preferable to feeling nothing. BUT I don’t know what I should focus on. I don’t want to rant cryptically about topics in such a vague way that no body understands, yet I want to deal with what is going on.
But really, so much is going on with me. I don’t know where to focus…hmmm….

Well, two days ago I visited Georgia Southern University and pretty much fell in love. I see myself there, I really do. Getting accepted isn’t an issue for me, honestly. But I’m still sort of dealing with some angst about the whole growing up thing in general. I need to make a choice on my major. And THIS is something that has led to a lot of thought for me lately..
Its like, all the people I admire most have something that they are passionate about. Music, science, writing, etc. These people have focus, goals, and just so much passion for something. And I DON”T have that about any one particular thing. And this has really worried me ever since my college visit. I’m afraid to make a choice about my future, because I can’t focus such intense feelings on any one topic. And I want to live passionately like these other people. I don’t want to be missing something here. I want to feel that way about some aspect of life. It really scares me that I don’t have some passion. I don’t want to be just some goalless, faceless person in the crowd; and these focused people are the ones that stand out to me, the ones that are truly the most amazing. I’m so worried that I’m not amazing like that.
I am pleased and fascinated by so many aspects of life. But I want some BIG THING to live for, that thing that gives me purpose, drive, and the ability to stand out. I hope this doesn’t sound cliché or trite; I am so sincerely worried that I am missing some vitality here.


Okay, on past that. Out of the future and diving right into the present, I guess, and my current people issues.

I’ve had a lot of time to clear my head. The past few days in particular, I’ve went away with just a few people. I’ve gotten time to myself that I needed, and as far as current things go, I’ve made some sense of what I feel. Most importantly, I realized that time to myself is really crucial for me to be happy. People who give me my space and understand complete that happiness. I need understanding yet independence. Realizing that to a full extent has made so much more clear to me.

Right now, there are dozens of things I want to say about this; I really don’t know where to go with it. I guess the bottom line is, I’ve seen how truly great a friend can be, and how truly great a boy can be. I know the potential of people to be amazing, and I don’t have to settle for anything less, friend wise or relationship wise. I don’t want to be anyone’s crutch, or bootycall, last resort, or free ride. I’m more than that, and other people are, too. I don’t need people like this anymore. I’m able to make the choice.