Because I always need a plan.

Here are my goals for managing this situation.

I won't let my emotions own me like this for long.
I refuse to be a continual puddle on the floor, crying and weak.
I have to find a better perspective. A healthy one.

I have to find a way to be happy for you.

A week ago you asked me what I wanted, the way I hoped this would go.
And I said. "I want us to have tonight. An awesome night. And I hope that we see each other in the future, and see what happens then."
And I said. " We have different places to go and things to do. And I can't do serious right now."
And you agreed.

And why now do I want to take this back?
I hate that I feel so differently. Everything changed for me.
I fell so hard and fast its terrifying. I hate letting you go.

But the point is, I have to find a way. Back to the way I felt.
Well, I can't go back. But this is what I said when I was rational. The heart does funny things and isn't compatible with the mind. And my heart is ruling now.

But also, my heart wants you to be happy. And go and live your life to the fullest, even though its mostly without me.
I have to find a way, to see this as an emotionally growing experience. A test of time. If I care for you like this, I still will when this "future time" comes. And if you still care then too, then its so worth it.
I have to see this as the best option, for us to own our own lives. Its what we've both always wanted to do really.
(And I never, ever, expected that someone would be able to distract me from this for an instant. But you have.)
And I'm scared that you won't want to see me in the future. That we will drift.

But I let you go knowing that I've done all I have.
I will give you all I can to hopefully remember me.
And I will remind myself that this is good. It leaves us open to possibilities. With or without one another.
And I can not, will not, let the tears come so easily. I know I won't be able to help it much, for the next few days.
But after that, I must learn to instead remember the good times, and smile for them. And smile that maybe good times will come again.
And that this truly, absolutely, is best. Even though it kills me. We can't hold each other back.
And one day soon I will rest understanding that we find each other again. I don't believe this is the end.
(This could be denial).
But I'm hopeful.

So I vow to:
Hope you remember me.
Remind myself that it truly is for the best.
Hope for the future.
Hold the memories dearly in my heart.
And embrace my own life as passionately as I would have before this all happened.

Because I don't think miserable heartbreak works for me anyway.

And I'm scared of what I will become for the next few days. I need to keep busy.
But more than anything, I believe in Serendipity.
Its what got me here, for certain.
And it will get me through the next few days.
I truly, with all my being, believe that if I continue keeping my heart open to chance and opportunity, I will always find a way to keep going forward.
So I hope that life occupies my mind and body for a while, and I stay absorbed in something. I can't let this drown me.