Polarize.

So I was reading over my blog that I wrote probably less than a week ago. And wouldn't you believe that my feelings are already completely opposite. When I wrote that, I was so..content, and peaceful.

But the past 48 hours have been a fucking swirl of overwhelming anxiety, blissful happiness, and the deepest sadness. Now I'm in the process of coping, that long process of getting it all mentally worked out.

First I had the worst college anxiety. I realized that the stability I was so glorified by in my last blog, is about to end. I'll be a broke college student. I'm about to leave this place and these people, the stuff I couldn't wait to leave 2 years ago. But somewhere along the journey, I made a happy place for myself here. And now its time to go. For all of us. And I'm so scared, of losing people. And I'm so scared, that I will never find people as awesome as the ones I have here. I have so much good for me here..and its time to start over and leave it behind. Which is exciting but so, so, so bittersweet.

And then I had one of those epic nights. The ones I've missed so. And this, one of the best ever. I don't have words to explain how natural, and comfortable, and beautiful it was to me. I remember feeling a happiness, one that explained so much. Everything felt right, and I felt at home. So connected with someone so amazing.
But then the next day comes, like it always does. And we have to go our separate ways, and even though nothing at all was wrong, I'll analyze till I find a thousand little problems. And then I realized that it was such a strange and confusing situation, foreign and complex. And I have no answers at all. Just so many questions, and so much that I want to say. And then it hit me that you too are leaving, and I'm running out of time. To say what I need to say. More than anything, I want you to remember me. I'm scared you will forget, the things we said last night. Its so unexpected, and I'm so scared of so many things. But I told you that I trust you, and I truly do. You have yet to let me down. You have your own life and commitments. We agreed to have that night, and hopefully find each other again in the future. Because that's all I could do now, and probably all you could do too. And that's what I wanted, so why does this hurt so much now? Why do I want more? I'm terrified that you will forget me, and all of this. I'm scared that it will mean so much to me. I have so much emotion right now that it hurts. I don't understand how I came to feel so much for you. And I should probably go pour this emotion in to a letter, because this is my best chance to let you remember me.