Hello, worries.

It seems like good feelings don't come without fear of losing them (for me at least). The closer we become, the more scared I am. Of losing it all. It would be so easy for you to walk away, for things to end today.
I feel more scared this time, and it gets worse as the weeks progress. But the weeks have progressed, the months, even, and you are still around.
It may not be healthy, but for me, it never is.
I'm not going to get "normal" here.

I would like reassurance. That you will still be there for me tomorrow. But I can't ask for reassurance, because your answer could be a lie. Or your answer could be no.

I would like to not be a secret. But this doesn't matter. It is what it is, there is no changing our circumstances.

I would like more time with you. Now, and in the future. I'm scared to let you in, scared to be vulnerable. Letting a person in takes time with me. I hope you have patience.

None of this changes the fact that you make me feel happy, and safe, and appreciated. Respected and cared for. Not many guys do that for me. So much as been superficial flattery. It isn't like that here. Won't you grow bored with me soon? That is what worries me.


Now, I also miss you. I fear that my feelings are greater than yours.

I love this feeling.

The excitement of an impending potential adventure.
The rush of doing things I shouldn't.
The fear of getting caught.
But the confidence I won't.
The thrill of not knowing where (or when, or if) I will sleep.
The fascination of the people i will be with.
The ones I might meet, the ones I already know.
Its delicious.


You know, today marks the one year day since I first did this.
(Put my night in the hands of fate, and luck, or random choice).
The one year night, rather.
Looking back, it wasn't so grand, but it was big then.
Looking back, my adventures have gotten so much better.
And with this trend, I hope they continue.

But you can't be close enough, unless I'm feeling your heart beat.

I want someone:
Peaceful - that i can just spend a day doing normal, average, happy things with. That makes a trip to the store something fun and memorable, just because.
Passionate - because you don't have much without that, obviously. And
Committed - Someone intelligent and capable of just being with me, and appreciating that.

Is it too much to ask? Don't think so.

I know what I want, and what I deserve. I hope I'm strong enough to not settle, and to find someone who can be these things for me. Because I'm ready to be these things for someone else now.
Its hard to find all 3 of these things existing in one person simultaneously, therein lies my only setback.

I'm listening to some delicious old Hellogoodbye, and it makes me so happy.

I'm thinking of the people I know, and it makes me so happy.

You know somebody sucks at life when...

they say this:

"well i cant find any one on here at all that just wants to hook up for an evening and this blows."

Hi stranger, I've never met you. I never want to meet you.
And i don't give a shit about your sexual frustration.

Dude can't get laid, so they creep on strangers on myspace.
What a seduction fail ;P

"i just think its funny that out of all the girls on here not 1 that i have found wants to go out for a nite and just chill or nothing."

Sounds like you might have a personal problem, sir. Because the attractive, charming, and grammatically correct people are chilling it up every night.

"just that i really dont know how to tell a girl that i wantto take them out and have some fun with out freeking them out."

Ideas of rape generally freak out most girls. Its a perfectly healthy defense mechanism.

"just fun and exotic and freaky lol"

You aren't helping yourself out at all at this point...

"well it just sucks cause i know im a good lay i just have issues talking to girls i get nervous."

Like I said, personal problem. And i doubt you are a good lay. If you were, you wouldn't be hitting up the underage girls on myspace..

"guys aren't worried about girls takeing them out and killing them only girls worrie about things like that."

...obviously.

"all i am looking for is someome within a reasonable distance to here i can call up and go enjoy a few minutes with and take home or back to their car and go home thats all am i the only person like that it this part of the globe?"

No. Just the only one lame enough to not actually be able to get it, yet beg for it from strangers. Online.


Well, just thought I would share some fun quotes for the day. People really say these things, you know.
(By the way, I didn't actually say the things in italics..they are just the fun things I was thinking at the time.)

Withdrawing into myself for a Day.

This weekend, these past two nights, while they have been phenomenal, have also perhaps added up to equal the most emotionally draining feeling that I've had in a while. It gives me so much to think about, that I just want to sleep and get everything sorted through (but I'm not even getting my normal sleep to begin with). I feel like I've learned a lot, and have a lot I need to figure out. Soon.

And so, I'm staying home. I'm not calling or texting anyone, unless they contact me and I find it important enough for a response. I'm going to spend some time with myself today.
Plus, I need to spend some time with my expert project/online classes. Expert project is over in five days!! I'm so excited to get it over with, even though I don't really have my "project" created yet. Online classes have assignments for one more week, then I'll spend next week doing make up elluminates and finals. Then I'm done with that.

I feel like when I finish these things, I will have more free time, but I really won't. Starting this week, I will be cheering pretty much every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday through February (My birthday month :) ) So I guess things aren't going to get any more simple for me.

I feel like I'm on the verge of alot of changes/epiphanies/etc. Maybe today is what I need to get that. And if it isn't, at least I have today to work on my school stuff. And sleep!

Incidentally, this may have had a sad tone to it. I'm not sad, really, just tired and totally drained emotionally. I'm exquisitely happy, for the most part. I just feel stretched in so many directions. So many people want (and demand) my attention. Others I feel I should be giving more attention to. There are so many places to go, things to do. But some could be the wrong ones. So its like a big game, and I'm choosing the path to reach whatever outcome it leads to (that sounded stupid). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, except that I need some time to work out where I'm going from here. Metaphorically and literally I guess. A lot of choices, some really big ones. And I get distracted so easily.