Guilt Free Living.

It doesn't mean much, but I'm done blaming myself. This has probably come much too late, but I'm living guilt free. You deserved it.


Its times like this, I wish I believed in Karma. If what goes around, comes around, I could smile and remind myself you have it coming. You deserve to have it coming. But do you? Its more of a Chance thing. We might as well flip a coin to decide, probably.

It would feel so comforting to believe that Karma would get you. But as it is, maybe the only thing that could get you was me. So, I don't feel guilty. Just sad that it may be all the misfortune that comes to you. Maybe I was the "Karma" here.

Or maybe, we could reverse that. Say I deserve to have it coming, and you getting what you want is merely so I don't get what I want. It goes both ways.

Maybe we were both in the wrong.
But I feel entitled. I feel justified.
My dear, you don't deserve shit. I would like to see that fulfilled. I would love to be the Karma that bites you in the ass. Can I do that? My mission is to figure out how.

My Countdowns :)

Instead of whining about my present (which is what I'm doing constantly; I hate the cold, frigid, snowy, ways of today) I am going to make a list of the 3 BIG THINGS that will happen in the next few months, that will liberate me and make me so happy :)

Thing 1: Getting a job. (Sometime in late February). To do this, I need to create my resume, get it in, and hope that they actually hire me. I'll be so glad to be working at Walmart...its not oober classy, but its a step up for me. I need the money and responsibility that will come with having a job again. I'm going crazy right now to be working. Plus, I just indulged in my second to last (probably) shopping until I actually get a job, because I'm so close to being broke. I want to buy some books and movies from Amazon, but that needs to be IT until I'm making money again. And I'm so excited that I could have a decent job, anyway.

Thing 2: My Birthday. (February 23rd). It is my 18th, I will have the legal freedoms and respected adulthoods that will come with this age. Its a big step toward maturity. Plus, my parents will probably slack off a bit, and give me some more leniency with various things when I am 18. Hell, I'm responsible enough already. But I need the legal backing and general awesomeness that comes with being 18.

Thing 3: Graduation. (May 21st, unless the snow causes it to be pushed back a few days). This one is pretty self explanatory. After graduation, I shall embark on the Epic Summer Before College.

This all seems pretty freaking sweet.
Not to mention, as the time passes, the weather will keep getting warmer, and these things will keep getting closer, and I'll just keep becoming more awesome. Maybe just kidding about the last part.

Anyway, the future looks so great, I just want to fast forward. I have alot to be excited for.

Part 2.

It was a conversation I needed to have. I guess it wasn't earth shattering, or mind blowing, but it made me feel infinitely better. Letting him know how I felt. Letting him know that part of it hurt me. The fact that he cared enough to listen, and to apologize, it means enough. Hopefully we will now be friends, good friends he says, and that is all for now. And I completely understand why. (This is much more than I expected, anyway).

Mostly, I feel that by speaking up, and asking the question that I needed answered, was the best part of it all. The revelation lies in the fact that I've grown up enough to reach out, and ask these questions. If I can risk hearing what I don't want to hear, in order to get the answer I need to move forward, well, I feel emotionally older now. Stronger that I can do this. Less passive. More empowered, regardless of the situation.

So I guess you could say, I've gained security in two senses tonight. A definition of our relationship, but also an idea of how much more mature, tactful, and healthy I have become in how I treat myself. From now on, I will try to continue respecting my emotions like this.

Cathartic Intentions

I've been in this situation before. Sitting idly by, waiting for someone else to make the decision, initiate the contact, or decide its over. The waiting kills me. I never get the closure I deserve.
I'm done waiting. I'm reaching out, asking for the answers. I should have done it long ago. I didn't because I was scared of hearing what I don't want to hear. Now, I can't handle not knowing. An "its over" will be better than this.
Tonight, I will take charge. I won't let someone else fuck with my emotions, dragging this out and making it hurt worse. Tell me to stay or to go. Tell me I mean something or nothing. Tell me anything. I need the truth. I can't handle not knowing.

Either way, its going to hurt. But today, and the past few days, have hurt greatly anyway. Today, when a friend of mine mentioned "love," this terrified me. I don't want to love you. Tonight I would rather find for a fact that you don't want me, and that I should move on, than to find that I love you. Because surely, that would be unrequited. I don't want unrequited. I don't want to pine away over you. And I won't.

For the first time in my life, I think, I'm reaching out and trying to demand honesty. We will communicate. I will most likely hear things I don't want to hear, and it will hurt. A lot. But its what I have to do. I have to take care of my emotions. I can't let you play me...I won't be just another chick whose emotions you screw around with. I can't be just another chick who gets hurt out of niavity. I will take care of myself.

Here I go.

New Year.

I'm not going to write extensively on resolutions or anything, because really, I don't have specific resolutions. I'm just promising myself that this will be my best year yet. It starts with a little bit of Magical Thinking, and a bit of reliance on the Chance I discussed in my last blog, and a lot of decisions on my part.
What I'm saying is, if I want to make it my year, I can :)

Hillary gave me a heart, it says "Believe in a Revolution worth fighting for." And I want that to be my motto. My thesis for this year. I'll let it be my revolution, by believing and fighting.

This night was better than last New Years, by far. Not gonna lie, it had some bitterness to it, but some sweet. That I can turn into hope. I have a good feeling...I know that I'll have to go through a lot to get the things I want, but I can do it. These things are worth fighting for...and if they aren't, I'll let it go and find something better.

I don't have resolutions, but I feel resolved.