Fate, Luck or Chance.

All along, it was Fate, Luck, or Chance (depending on what you believe) that brought us together.
That first night, no bit of it was preconceived in even the tiniest way, by either one of us.
(In a way, this really amazes me. That there would ever, in any way, would be an "us" was so beyond unexpected to me, and you, and probably the entire rest of the world.)
Nobody chose for us to be together. We didn't even choose it, really. It just happened. Like Fate or Luck or Chance, it was out of our realm of control.

(This all becomes more clear as a look back now).

For a while, we did go our separate ways. I was distracted by him, and you by her, and really, we didn't talk much.
So, this lack of talking between us, it has happened before. I didn't hurt over it that time, because I was consumed with someone else then (and you mean much more to me now).
My point being, a few weeks later, Fate, Luck, or Chance brought us back together again. Pretty much just placed you in my car, in fact. And we went, and I was there for you. And we were friends, a little bit. But not much.
And then one day (after a fabulous, virtually sleepless night spent somewhere else, and a random desire to run the next morning) you showed up right outside the car again. It was Fate, Luck, or Chance. We didn't plan to meet there. You said for me to come with you, and I simply went. And so on, like that, for a while.


It may not make much sense. What I mean is, I've never once woken up, any morning, and known that I would see you. I have hoped, on occasion. But you never were my plan. (And I know I was never yours). Being with you...it is always so sporadic. Every aspect of any conceivable "us," its so random.
You were never in any way a part of my plan. And trying to make you a part of it, trying to make being with you something with foresight and planning, it isn't working. This is so hard for me. You aren't in my control.
Being with you..I have to leave it up to Fate, Luck, or Chance. I think that, eventually, these things put us in the same place, at the same time. Again.

Would you believe it?

It just hit me how much I'm going to miss you when you leave. I'll be lucky to have a few short hours with you, before you go away. For real. For weeks, maybe months, maybe even forever.
I just realized that you mean a great amount to me. I feel that we connected so quickly, emotionally we just understood each other. I enjoy your company, and your thoughts, and your presence.
And I only realize how much you mean to me, after I realize you really are leaving.

I feel sort of dumb, taking so much for granted.
I hate how much I'm going to miss you; I fear that I realized this much too late anyway. I hope you will remember me. I wish I had more time with you.


This always happens, I find someone great, they leave, and I realize how important they were.
Like so few, vastly important others, I feel that you have impacted me. The way you think, it makes me think, and I love that. Like so few, incredibly important others, I think knowing you has helped me grow as a person. I hope you could begin to say the same for me.

Will I ever find a person like this, who doesn't leave so soon?

Waiting is where I fail.

I have no patience.
I know what I want.
I wish I could just reach out, and say what i want to say. Ask for what I want.
But I'm holding myself back.
(Because I'm scared that the answer will be no).
I feel that by waiting, I'm giving us both space and time.
What if you are doing the same?
What if you don't care?
How much is too much, in regards to space and time?

Since I'm sitting here waiting.
I have nothing better to do, than ask these questions and thousands more. All day. For the past fucking week. This is insane.
I feel obsessive.
And impatient.
I don't know how to fill the time.

I try Sudokus and Mahjong and reading and writing and spending time with friends and eating and watching movies.
All kinds of ineffective distractions.
Because I always end up here, writing more and more pointless blogs.
Because I wish I weren't here, asking these questions. I want to be with you.

How much longer do I play this waiting game?
Hmm, theres a song for this.

Christmas Eve Life Update

This is pretty much a broad summary of everything going through my head, and random details of my life, as of now.
Why? Because I can. Its Christmas break, there's not much else to do at this particular moment.


I'm hooked on burning incense. Its cheap and beautiful. Its weirding out my family, giving them headaches, and making them question my drug usage. I just love it. My mom says my room smells like a spa.
I am in writing mode again. I wrote my first complete, lovely short story, and wish I could do something with it. Show it to people or something, but i guess not. Anyway, just the act of writing it made me feel so cleansed and purposeful. The story itself brought me to tears.
Thus, I researched publishing. And clearly, it won't happen for me anytime soon. Nonetheless, I'm writing again. A lot. And it feels good. My thoughts are organized.
I've finished my Duke essays. After some revision, I will submit. Probably the day after Christmas, just because I would feel kooky to the extreme submitting my app on Christmas day. I'm still waiting for Megan's feedback anyway..
I've filled in my planner, all the random important stuff, through May. I've organized my college folders. I feel like my life and future are in order. I feel prepared.
On the other hand, I'm an emotional wreck again. Well, sort of. I just feel so unstable. I'm unable to vocalize what I want, I'm not communicating. I'm internally panicking. I'm scared I'll lose you, and nobody knows, so who will help me pull myself together when you walk away? Where are we going with this, anyway? Its been several days since you have initiated contact with me. In fact, you haven't since that night. Maybe I shouldn't worry. But I do. Anddd I know as soon as you do, I"ll go right back to giddy happy again, sort of. I really really really want you in my life, is what I"m trying to say. Not knowing just makes me feel unstable. I want more time with you.
I want more time in general. My friends are coming and going, and we are all so busy, I"m not spending the quality time i need with everyone I need to be around.
And you, new dear friend, are leaving soon. I feel so morally conflicted, knowing I have the power to make you stay, but doing so would be wrong. So I'll let you go, like so many others. I wish it wasn't this way.
Except for my people issues, I feel so in control. I'm controlling my bad habits, decreasing my caffeine intake (this may not last) and running again. I don't know if the difference is actually noticeable, but I feel that I'm caring for myself emotionally and physically, at least a little better.
This break is hopefully a good opportunity for me to pull everything together.
I want a rockin new Years eve!
I want to watch lots of movies. Old favorites and some new ones.
I'm so excited for college, and life in general. I feel so optimistic about almost everything.
Except you, damnit, I miss you.

And i just had random profound thought, about how quickly and easily people come and go. You meet someone, and if you click, you become close just like that. But they can also leave and never look back, so easily, so unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason. This scares me. I hope no one leaves yet, and more awesome new people walk in to my life :)
Yup yup, I'm craving an adventure. Something grand. I hope this next week turns out just amazingly.

All my obligations for the entire break are as follows:
-Family Christmas Day tommorrow
-Submit Duke App
-Do Calculus Test
-Work on Physics Test
-Games Monday and Tuesday
-Drs Appt. Saturday

Rest of the days are freee for awesomeness. I think. How exciting.

And with this, I wish you a Merry Christmas :) May you find a baby Jesus in your cake tomorrow (if you have a cake).

Hello, worries.

It seems like good feelings don't come without fear of losing them (for me at least). The closer we become, the more scared I am. Of losing it all. It would be so easy for you to walk away, for things to end today.
I feel more scared this time, and it gets worse as the weeks progress. But the weeks have progressed, the months, even, and you are still around.
It may not be healthy, but for me, it never is.
I'm not going to get "normal" here.

I would like reassurance. That you will still be there for me tomorrow. But I can't ask for reassurance, because your answer could be a lie. Or your answer could be no.

I would like to not be a secret. But this doesn't matter. It is what it is, there is no changing our circumstances.

I would like more time with you. Now, and in the future. I'm scared to let you in, scared to be vulnerable. Letting a person in takes time with me. I hope you have patience.

None of this changes the fact that you make me feel happy, and safe, and appreciated. Respected and cared for. Not many guys do that for me. So much as been superficial flattery. It isn't like that here. Won't you grow bored with me soon? That is what worries me.


Now, I also miss you. I fear that my feelings are greater than yours.