Transition.

The college transition - its the one I'd been so excited for for...well, years, really. This is when I expected to be the most fulfilling and happiest part of my life. And I'm waiting for that part to begin.

Because, of course, this isn't how I expected. I miss so many aspects of my old life, so vibrantly that it hurts. So much. Really, I miss my steady income and my friends. I knew the greatest people in the world, and I'm so scared that we will grow apart here. I'll fight to keep it from happening. I'm scared I'll never meet people like the ones I already know. They complete my world, really.
This was the best summer I'd ever had. I was busy and happy. Always something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go. And now its gone. I'm starting over, maybe with something better, but I hate to see it go.

I don't want these people to drift out of my life, more than anything. I'm so sad because I fear that it might happen.


But other than that, I guess I'm pretty happy here. Still adjusting, still irritated with some aspects of freshmen orientation. But I'm happy with where I live and with my classes. And if I can find a job then I'll be fine. If I can keep my old friends as well as finding new ones I'll be more than fine.

I want to be insanely happy here, the way I expected it to be. Maybe it just takes some time.

Love on Hold.

Maybe I'm just ridiculous and melodramatic;
but for once I think I feel something real.

For months I battled to deny that it could exist.
For months you were gone.
After almost a year, I know your touch.
I feel your heart.
And hundreds of miles apart again, you are the consuming entity of my mind.

You aren't mine, and I am not yours.
But in my mind is potential for so much more.
I said "wait."
And it can't be taken back.

But you are the one who's very existence makes me feel complete.
I could talk to you for a lifetime.
Sit next to you just enjoying your presence.
Lying with you feels like home.
But just seeing you smile can make me fly.
So I can wait for this. Because I can't even imagine anything better.

But its real.
I've seen you sad and angry and happy and tired.
As a person you are complete. And beautiful.

This was the toughest Goodbye.
And each day what I feel grows stronger.
I wonder where you are and if you feel the same.
The story begins again at the next Hello.

Driving Slow on Sunday morning, I never want to leave.

I wish I would stay here longer. I like it here, I feel independent and free and peaceful and happy. Surrounded by people that make me happy. And there is so much left to do that we haven't done yet. And today is the last day to fit in as much as we can.
Everyone is still asleep. I'm quite awake, I can't sleep when I have so much on my mind.

I guess I don't get all the things I want here, though. Its okay, I guess I can keep waiting. I don't understand the situation. Its the same thing as before, I've already done this. But maybe not. Only time will tell, and I hope it does eventually become clear.

And I can't believe I have to go back to my mundane blairsville life for 2 more weeks. I'll pack and buy everything I need and say my goodbyes and its time for something totally new, my new life. I'm ready but I wish I understood what was going on here. In my head there is so much that doesn't make sense. but I'll be okay, however it works out.

Every time I come home, we fight.

And then you say you don't understand, ask me why I so rarely come home.
And I don't know how to tell you this;
but the reason I never come home is because it is always like it is tonight.
Tonight, I had just gotten several emails from Mercer: my summer orientation schedule, some reading assignments and discussion ideas, and my schedule that was changed because of my AP scores.
And I was so excited, I tried to talk to you about these things. You don't even listen, or care. You just tell me to wake up early tomorrow and go pick up my sister.
Forget the plans I may already have. Forget even listening to me, or acting like you care about my future that I'm so excited about.
I never come home, because you aren't interested in who I've become.
When I come home, you don't ask me about...anything. You just tell me I need to clean my room, or my car, or pick up my sister, or wash some dishes that I didn't dirty.
Because I don't remember the last meal I ate here.
And this makes me so, so, so unbelieveably sad.
But I feel as if I barely belong.
And I don't want to belong, really. This place isn't my future.
I know what my future is, and I"m so excited. And I wish so much that you would care. Ask me about my schedule and classes or maybe my AP scores or do I need any thing like new bedsheets or even just how am I feeling.
All I get is, go clean your room.
I feel so close to more goodbyes. This isn't my life anymore here. And its down to weeks until I"m gone to where my life is.

Because I always need a plan.

Here are my goals for managing this situation.

I won't let my emotions own me like this for long.
I refuse to be a continual puddle on the floor, crying and weak.
I have to find a better perspective. A healthy one.

I have to find a way to be happy for you.

A week ago you asked me what I wanted, the way I hoped this would go.
And I said. "I want us to have tonight. An awesome night. And I hope that we see each other in the future, and see what happens then."
And I said. " We have different places to go and things to do. And I can't do serious right now."
And you agreed.

And why now do I want to take this back?
I hate that I feel so differently. Everything changed for me.
I fell so hard and fast its terrifying. I hate letting you go.

But the point is, I have to find a way. Back to the way I felt.
Well, I can't go back. But this is what I said when I was rational. The heart does funny things and isn't compatible with the mind. And my heart is ruling now.

But also, my heart wants you to be happy. And go and live your life to the fullest, even though its mostly without me.
I have to find a way, to see this as an emotionally growing experience. A test of time. If I care for you like this, I still will when this "future time" comes. And if you still care then too, then its so worth it.
I have to see this as the best option, for us to own our own lives. Its what we've both always wanted to do really.
(And I never, ever, expected that someone would be able to distract me from this for an instant. But you have.)
And I'm scared that you won't want to see me in the future. That we will drift.

But I let you go knowing that I've done all I have.
I will give you all I can to hopefully remember me.
And I will remind myself that this is good. It leaves us open to possibilities. With or without one another.
And I can not, will not, let the tears come so easily. I know I won't be able to help it much, for the next few days.
But after that, I must learn to instead remember the good times, and smile for them. And smile that maybe good times will come again.
And that this truly, absolutely, is best. Even though it kills me. We can't hold each other back.
And one day soon I will rest understanding that we find each other again. I don't believe this is the end.
(This could be denial).
But I'm hopeful.

So I vow to:
Hope you remember me.
Remind myself that it truly is for the best.
Hope for the future.
Hold the memories dearly in my heart.
And embrace my own life as passionately as I would have before this all happened.

Because I don't think miserable heartbreak works for me anyway.

And I'm scared of what I will become for the next few days. I need to keep busy.
But more than anything, I believe in Serendipity.
Its what got me here, for certain.
And it will get me through the next few days.
I truly, with all my being, believe that if I continue keeping my heart open to chance and opportunity, I will always find a way to keep going forward.
So I hope that life occupies my mind and body for a while, and I stay absorbed in something. I can't let this drown me.