Lock the doors, turn out the lights, remove all your clothes.

I really just want to move forward with my life. I feel stuck, here on pause, just like I was 6 months ago.
Someone come along and break me out of this. It feels like I'm frozen in place. And the whole world around me, is either frozen or part of this giant clockwork machine.

And this scares me even worse. I'm so young, and I'm already getting sucked into the monotony of average American life. Financial troubles, obligations, mature decisions, less time for fun. I'm growing up, whether I like it or not. Every day I'm closer to being on my own. In a way, this is very frightening. Not because I'm afraid of failure in the typical sense. That just isn't likely to me. What I am afraid of, is that some choice I'm making now is going to determine how frozen I become in the clockwork of every day life.
Its hard to explain in the right words.
I don't want to become one of those cookie-cutter adults, those stuck in their lives. Financial worries or responsibilities or SOMETHING weighs people down, and, at some point, I think most people stop seeing the beauty of things (if they ever did to begin with). They become so consumed by some aspect of their adult lives that they stop living. They become a by product of this consumer-economy driven industry, just another piece trying to earn enough money to stay alive.

I don't see joy in this.
I have to catch myself at that crucial moment, whenever it may be, and retain a bit of my youth.
I want to be able to be carefree, to stop and just enjoy how pretty the sky is. To think. To write. To engage in thoughtful and fulfilling conversation.
I want my life to be more than earning enough to get the bills paid. More than raising kids and hoping that they get into the right college.

I don't want living to become an obligation.

I've always been afraid of getting old in the physical sense. But now, the full impact of growing old emotionally has hit me. I don't want it to happen to me. Ever.

But at the same time, I want to get out of this way that I'm frozen.
Nothing big is happening; none of those epic nights or insane revelations.

But those things come and go. I just don't want to wake up one day and realize that I grew past all of that.
That I'm too old, and too trapped.
I don't want an ordinary, cookie-cutter, step by step to reach this goal, life.
I don't want it to be all about reaching these pointless achievements meaningless outside of average corporate America.

I want to find an environment and a lifestyle that supports...whatever way I want to live. Retaining my youth and all that.
Being allowed to think, and question, and laugh, and do things just because.
Being able to appreciate the randomness and beauty of...everything.

Mostly, I don't want to become tied down to something that will keep me forever trapped in this just-barely-living life.
And every time my life gets paused, and the huge impacts stop for a while, it scares me.
Because I can't imagine my life being put on pause repentantly, instead merely fulfilling some small role in today's average world, where success is measured in so many terms that simply don't matter, and provide no satisfaction outside of the working world.

Spare me this monotonous pseudo-existence, and instead help me in instead living for real, personal satisfaction and discovery.