Untitled.

So basically...
everything is happening beyond fast right now and I feel like every night I have these immense profound thoughts and they are all vanishing before I'm actually able to get on here and write about them (or able to write about anything) because I'm just that busy. And I miss pouring out my soul via blog, tumblr, my notebook, etc but the real world has apparently gotten me so well that I don't have time for these things momentarily.

So I guess I'll just go with some revelations/thoughts I've been having and see where it goes:

- I truly, absolutely, and incredibly suck at letting anything go. I cannot say goodbyes, or let go of anything that once made me feel safe. (I feel like I could go off on a huge psychological thing here, about how I need these random islands of stability amidst my partially self inflicted chaos. But I won't). I'm scared of leaving certain random things behind, like my old job and my old friends.

- I wonder if my new job is going to drain the hell out of me...its mega time consuming, I've already completely lost Arts In The Park weekend and Alisha's baby shower. Which is really really sad. But at the same time I'll hopefully be so paid. Don't know what i'll do with the money, or when I'll have time to blow it. I'm scared of fitting in and liking my new job. Its crazy different.

- I feel like most people are like reoccurring instances...they feel gone but really its all so temporary. I see them again. Its kind of scary and unnerving and awkward yet pleasantly familiar and I'm also scared of losing this when I go to Macon. When I'm miles and miles away, these people may stop popping back into my life.

- All my countdowns are sort of gone now. I can't say I'm living in the moment because my planner is booked and I'm not doing anything epic and impulsive right now, but I am sort of immersed in the present anyway.

- Speaking of which, I really want epic and impulsive again. This balance of security and excitement is just impossible. Truly.

- I'm about to fall asleep right now. I want time to read and tan and chill and sleep and write but it isn't happening yet. And I need to go to sleep.

- Did I mention that in 48 hours I officially graduate? Its wierd, people are saying that it is just hitting them, or that it hasn't yet. I feel like it hit me a long time ago though. I feel already graduated, in a way. That Friday night is a formality that will express to everyone else, maybe, what I already feel like inside. I've only been out of school for less than a week, but it feels like months. Looking back on where I was a month ago, well, there might just not be words to say how far from it I feel. Maybe because I need sleep and all these other things that I don't have time for, but its okay, because, whatever I'm doing I think its for the better and when I finally have time to slow down and breathe it will all make sense.

Dear you,

Please don't be another him.
I've already been there, I've already done this.

I've already watched someones natural cuteness be totally canceled out by highness.
And I know what its like to waste months on somebody, all because of one moment of profundity.
(A profound that, maybe, was only the result of alcohol anyway).
I've already dropped my plans, to go be with someone who doesn't give a damn about my presence.

I already know how this story ends.

So please, please, please
(please times infinity)
don't be this guy.

I finally got him out of my life
(And ironically, he is sitting in a jail cell for stealing from a church)
but the point is,
I don't want that again, for countless reasons.

I like
natural cuteness and
moments of profundity and
just spending time together.

And its not much to ask but really,
I've done so much thinking about all the mistakes I've ever made and I think I sort of understand,
and so now I finally have my heart here,
available,
walls down,
unprotected.

And I don't have the patience (or courage)
to sit like this for long but by power of Magical Thinking I'm willing you to care.
I hope you care.

And if you don't (and very soon)
id like to think I won't make the same mistake as last time
(hoping for too long).

Because I'm not naive or desperate but the fact is I'm not wasting attention on just anybody at all right now and its pretty much you or nobody and its up to you to make some effort because I truly don't know how and I can't throw myself at people anyway.

And so now its up to you for a while
to make some effort,
and so will I,
and if not,
then I suppose I'll resign (horrible thought)
but I won't go through what I already went through once.
and I guess maybe I'm too scared, and worrying about too many ridiculous things, but I won't ignore the deja-vu of tonight until its righted.

Sincerely,
Me

I'm never coming back this way, I've got my things I'm here to stay.

I've gotten out of town for a few days, I've gotten a break from countless things, and most importantly I think I've finally cleared my head.

I think I'm done hurting. You weren't my saving grace, I'm ready to face reality, accept what you were and were not, take it for what it was, learn from it, and finally move on. And stop letting it cause me pain.
I think I'm ready to not be alone. I understand my fears, and I know what I need, and this is what it was all about. I understand these walls that have to come down, and the choices I have to make for things to be different this time.
I think I'm ready to take on the world. Metaphorically speaking, this whole growing up thing has reached the point where I feel secure in what I'm capable of.

I miss being a child, the way I used to run and skip and dance so often. I think I was quite a child at heart, and maybe, I still am.
I think I want to get back to that, if it is possible.
I was recently told that I'm dwelling on the existential, the distant future, and the irrational. That I've stopped living in the present and enjoying the little things.
I do this sometimes. But not like I used to.

I don't know if I can take the ways I've grown, and yet finally go back to the way I was before. I want the ridiculous joy and energy that I had just a few months ago. But its different now, knowing what I know and being who I've become.

This is life and its happening all at once and there is so much more, I could go on forever with these intangible thoughts, but I won't. I will just say I'm so happy with this place I've finally reached and I'm curious about what happens now.

I can't believe...

Its been almost a month since I blogged last. I guess its one of those times where I'm so busy in life, that i don't have as much time to write about it. Or maybe I'm doing so many things, but not so many things epic enough to write about. Or maybe I'm just relying on Tumblr more.

But anyway, I guess its been a strange month, but really, what month hasn't been strange lately?
Its kind of like a process, and I feel like an adult now. I'm happy and sad and mostly tired and broke and trying so hard to keep things together and I feel rewarded but scared for my future but also so excited.
My mind is, at best, a conglomeration of emotions that I simply cannot spit out poetically yet. Its a mess in there. A good mess. I'm proud of everything that happens, and how I'm dealing and learning.
I'm trying to control everything with lists and lists and more lists. I make post-its with my Daily Objectives now. Holding things together, getting things done, its what I"m trying to do.
I feel like I"m trying to stay in control. Because I've been given a lot of it all at once, and its a lot to do.

Mostly I"m so excited for everything, absolutely everything, coming up. I feel like I'm pulling together a college experience designed for me. But sometimes, the worst thoughts come to me. I remember my youth, being shoved into situations with people who I don't like and who don't like me. I lived, but I don't want to ever do that again. College will not be like that, right? I'm being ridiculous.



I feel like that Palahniuk anecdote, the one about how people are just rocks in a machine, put in all rough but tossed round and round, bashing against the walls and the other rocks, until they come out smooth and beautiful. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about that.

Invisible Kids.

I've spent years of my life trying to pick up the broken, the fucked up, and hopeless. Trying to put them back together piece by peace, and give them hope, and reasons, and a better life.

I feel like I'm in a room, surrounded by shelves and shelves of vases, and they keep falling off and shattering into tiny pieces. And I'm dashing around, doing everything i can to pick up all the little pieces and glue them back together. But I'm clumsy and slow and just one person anyway, and maybe I'm not even making much of a difference. So then I run around trying to catch them before they hit the ground, catch them safe in my arms and put them back where they belong. But that's hard to do, too. And I feel so sad because some of these vases belonged to somebody special, somebody who is hurting worse than I am to see them break. And then I feel even worse when I realized, some of these vases belong to nobody, and when they break, they slide into a sort of nonexistence and nobody even misses them, or thinks fondly of them.
And all around the world vases keep falling,and sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it makes me angry. Because sometimes, they should have had the initiative to take care of themselves. Just stay away from the damn ledge in the first place But maybe they were pushed, and its too late now to blame the past anyway. But here in the present, all I can do is try to put them back together or catch them if i can. Some don't want to be put back together and I'm cutting my hands on their sharp edges, getting knocked to the ground when I catch them in my arms. Even now, they don't care enough to be fixed. And more just keep falling, faster than I can ever keep up.

And at some point I have to step back and realize there's only so much I can do. But I can't get out now, because now the ones that I value are falling. I never expected mine to fall. I absolutely love some of these, and I can't stand to see them smashed. But there's nothing more I can do.


I wish I could reach out and pick up so many of those that have fallen, give love and hope to people who don't have it, because they never have and probably never will have these things. But on the other hand, I'm only human too, and there are people that I think have made too many mistakes, who don't deserve these things anymore. I don't see a way to do what i want to do, to help those lost kids that sometimes, I wonder if the rest of the world sees. I see them, and I'm at a loss for what to do.