Every time I come home, we fight.

And then you say you don't understand, ask me why I so rarely come home.
And I don't know how to tell you this;
but the reason I never come home is because it is always like it is tonight.
Tonight, I had just gotten several emails from Mercer: my summer orientation schedule, some reading assignments and discussion ideas, and my schedule that was changed because of my AP scores.
And I was so excited, I tried to talk to you about these things. You don't even listen, or care. You just tell me to wake up early tomorrow and go pick up my sister.
Forget the plans I may already have. Forget even listening to me, or acting like you care about my future that I'm so excited about.
I never come home, because you aren't interested in who I've become.
When I come home, you don't ask me about...anything. You just tell me I need to clean my room, or my car, or pick up my sister, or wash some dishes that I didn't dirty.
Because I don't remember the last meal I ate here.
And this makes me so, so, so unbelieveably sad.
But I feel as if I barely belong.
And I don't want to belong, really. This place isn't my future.
I know what my future is, and I"m so excited. And I wish so much that you would care. Ask me about my schedule and classes or maybe my AP scores or do I need any thing like new bedsheets or even just how am I feeling.
All I get is, go clean your room.
I feel so close to more goodbyes. This isn't my life anymore here. And its down to weeks until I"m gone to where my life is.

Because I always need a plan.

Here are my goals for managing this situation.

I won't let my emotions own me like this for long.
I refuse to be a continual puddle on the floor, crying and weak.
I have to find a better perspective. A healthy one.

I have to find a way to be happy for you.

A week ago you asked me what I wanted, the way I hoped this would go.
And I said. "I want us to have tonight. An awesome night. And I hope that we see each other in the future, and see what happens then."
And I said. " We have different places to go and things to do. And I can't do serious right now."
And you agreed.

And why now do I want to take this back?
I hate that I feel so differently. Everything changed for me.
I fell so hard and fast its terrifying. I hate letting you go.

But the point is, I have to find a way. Back to the way I felt.
Well, I can't go back. But this is what I said when I was rational. The heart does funny things and isn't compatible with the mind. And my heart is ruling now.

But also, my heart wants you to be happy. And go and live your life to the fullest, even though its mostly without me.
I have to find a way, to see this as an emotionally growing experience. A test of time. If I care for you like this, I still will when this "future time" comes. And if you still care then too, then its so worth it.
I have to see this as the best option, for us to own our own lives. Its what we've both always wanted to do really.
(And I never, ever, expected that someone would be able to distract me from this for an instant. But you have.)
And I'm scared that you won't want to see me in the future. That we will drift.

But I let you go knowing that I've done all I have.
I will give you all I can to hopefully remember me.
And I will remind myself that this is good. It leaves us open to possibilities. With or without one another.
And I can not, will not, let the tears come so easily. I know I won't be able to help it much, for the next few days.
But after that, I must learn to instead remember the good times, and smile for them. And smile that maybe good times will come again.
And that this truly, absolutely, is best. Even though it kills me. We can't hold each other back.
And one day soon I will rest understanding that we find each other again. I don't believe this is the end.
(This could be denial).
But I'm hopeful.

So I vow to:
Hope you remember me.
Remind myself that it truly is for the best.
Hope for the future.
Hold the memories dearly in my heart.
And embrace my own life as passionately as I would have before this all happened.

Because I don't think miserable heartbreak works for me anyway.

And I'm scared of what I will become for the next few days. I need to keep busy.
But more than anything, I believe in Serendipity.
Its what got me here, for certain.
And it will get me through the next few days.
I truly, with all my being, believe that if I continue keeping my heart open to chance and opportunity, I will always find a way to keep going forward.
So I hope that life occupies my mind and body for a while, and I stay absorbed in something. I can't let this drown me.

Polarize.

So I was reading over my blog that I wrote probably less than a week ago. And wouldn't you believe that my feelings are already completely opposite. When I wrote that, I was so..content, and peaceful.

But the past 48 hours have been a fucking swirl of overwhelming anxiety, blissful happiness, and the deepest sadness. Now I'm in the process of coping, that long process of getting it all mentally worked out.

First I had the worst college anxiety. I realized that the stability I was so glorified by in my last blog, is about to end. I'll be a broke college student. I'm about to leave this place and these people, the stuff I couldn't wait to leave 2 years ago. But somewhere along the journey, I made a happy place for myself here. And now its time to go. For all of us. And I'm so scared, of losing people. And I'm so scared, that I will never find people as awesome as the ones I have here. I have so much good for me here..and its time to start over and leave it behind. Which is exciting but so, so, so bittersweet.

And then I had one of those epic nights. The ones I've missed so. And this, one of the best ever. I don't have words to explain how natural, and comfortable, and beautiful it was to me. I remember feeling a happiness, one that explained so much. Everything felt right, and I felt at home. So connected with someone so amazing.
But then the next day comes, like it always does. And we have to go our separate ways, and even though nothing at all was wrong, I'll analyze till I find a thousand little problems. And then I realized that it was such a strange and confusing situation, foreign and complex. And I have no answers at all. Just so many questions, and so much that I want to say. And then it hit me that you too are leaving, and I'm running out of time. To say what I need to say. More than anything, I want you to remember me. I'm scared you will forget, the things we said last night. Its so unexpected, and I'm so scared of so many things. But I told you that I trust you, and I truly do. You have yet to let me down. You have your own life and commitments. We agreed to have that night, and hopefully find each other again in the future. Because that's all I could do now, and probably all you could do too. And that's what I wanted, so why does this hurt so much now? Why do I want more? I'm terrified that you will forget me, and all of this. I'm scared that it will mean so much to me. I have so much emotion right now that it hurts. I don't understand how I came to feel so much for you. And I should probably go pour this emotion in to a letter, because this is my best chance to let you remember me.

Because I haven't blogged in such a long time...

...and of course that means my mind is full of thoughts,
here is my life in a (hopefully) brief spill.


The past week has been large; I went down to Macon completely on my own, stayed, met people, did my thing, did it all. Alone. And it was great and fullfilling and invigorating just to feel so in control of my life.
Then I came home to get my wisdom teeth out, the past few days have been a blur. Not gonna lie, I think I've been on pills pretty heavy. I've had some insights, watched a lot of movies, slept a lot, and now I"m in a lot of pain. I'm barely eating but I guess it'll just make it more enjoyable when I can finally eat again. The constant hurt is kind of unreal thought without the medicine..
And now I"m back to working 6-7 days a week. And at this point, this too is fullfilling, because I don't have to feel guilt when I go out and splurge. And I feel great watching my account grow...it'll probably all be gone once college starts though. I try not to think about that...I still don't have enough.
But I like having goals to work toward. My next goal is Jacksonville :) Trip at the end of July with friends. So I work my ass off for the next four weeks, save my money, and hopefully not worry about a damn thing for the whole trip.
I'm trying to apply myself to working out again. Get it serious, get fit. Drink water. I"m already eating healthy enough so maybe thats half the battle.
I'm housesitting next week, so another step towards independence...I'll barely be able to be at the house but hey its still nice to have it to come home to.
I'm so insanely excited for college. Its about 6 weeks away...I'm not counting down though, really. I'm happy with where I am too. This is a good summer even if its not really a summer. Its an adulthood but I like it. Maybe i was made for this.

But the fact is, at this exact instant in my life, my sleep schedule is fucked beyond all description, I have a series of early mornings ahead of me, a case of red bulls and a bottle of painkillers to get me through it, a few hours to sleep between now and then, and a ton of people-obligations to fit in around this. There are SO many people I need to spend time with. But the fact is I just realized I haven't showered in almost 3 days on top of everything else, I need to pack for housesitting, I need to feed the fish that I'm godparenting for, and I want to curl up with the book that is required for Mercer, that is actually good sofar. I have so many thoughts in my head and so much to do and I feel so...content that its almost hard to go to sleep except I know I"ll hate myself for it in the morning. So Sleep. Work. Pack. Celebrate my father's birthday. Go feed the fish. Go to a 4th of July Party. Go to the house that I am watching. Repeat (well..more or less). And this is my life for a while. And I like it except for the early mornings, and I wonder what happens after this phase and can it make me just as happy, or better?

Untitled.

So basically...
everything is happening beyond fast right now and I feel like every night I have these immense profound thoughts and they are all vanishing before I'm actually able to get on here and write about them (or able to write about anything) because I'm just that busy. And I miss pouring out my soul via blog, tumblr, my notebook, etc but the real world has apparently gotten me so well that I don't have time for these things momentarily.

So I guess I'll just go with some revelations/thoughts I've been having and see where it goes:

- I truly, absolutely, and incredibly suck at letting anything go. I cannot say goodbyes, or let go of anything that once made me feel safe. (I feel like I could go off on a huge psychological thing here, about how I need these random islands of stability amidst my partially self inflicted chaos. But I won't). I'm scared of leaving certain random things behind, like my old job and my old friends.

- I wonder if my new job is going to drain the hell out of me...its mega time consuming, I've already completely lost Arts In The Park weekend and Alisha's baby shower. Which is really really sad. But at the same time I'll hopefully be so paid. Don't know what i'll do with the money, or when I'll have time to blow it. I'm scared of fitting in and liking my new job. Its crazy different.

- I feel like most people are like reoccurring instances...they feel gone but really its all so temporary. I see them again. Its kind of scary and unnerving and awkward yet pleasantly familiar and I'm also scared of losing this when I go to Macon. When I'm miles and miles away, these people may stop popping back into my life.

- All my countdowns are sort of gone now. I can't say I'm living in the moment because my planner is booked and I'm not doing anything epic and impulsive right now, but I am sort of immersed in the present anyway.

- Speaking of which, I really want epic and impulsive again. This balance of security and excitement is just impossible. Truly.

- I'm about to fall asleep right now. I want time to read and tan and chill and sleep and write but it isn't happening yet. And I need to go to sleep.

- Did I mention that in 48 hours I officially graduate? Its wierd, people are saying that it is just hitting them, or that it hasn't yet. I feel like it hit me a long time ago though. I feel already graduated, in a way. That Friday night is a formality that will express to everyone else, maybe, what I already feel like inside. I've only been out of school for less than a week, but it feels like months. Looking back on where I was a month ago, well, there might just not be words to say how far from it I feel. Maybe because I need sleep and all these other things that I don't have time for, but its okay, because, whatever I'm doing I think its for the better and when I finally have time to slow down and breathe it will all make sense.