I'm learning where to stand, or to tread lightly

Currently, I'm not feeling like I should be feeling, or like I want to be feeling. I should be ecstatic, right? I'm a motherfucking senior, after all. But I don't feel any different. I still feel like a child in so many ways, and like I can't grow up, not yet. And I'm scared to grow up. But I want to. And its this great conflict. I wish I could fly away like Peter Pan, and live on an island with lost boys and pirates and fairies, just like that.

But I can't. I wish I could even just withdraw on my own for a while, but there is so much demanding me out there in the world. And I want to go out and experience it all, and I'm having a hard time balancing the choices. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

Its like there are only a few people that I want with me right now. I'm in one of those phases where I don't want to be surrounded. I want to be close to myself, and to understand what's going on with me. I'm sick of all the trivial shit; I want infinite nights and perceptive experiences.

The good news: its officially summer. I guess its the best time for new revalations. That's what I'm hoping for.

I really want to turn this confusion into a discovery; and maybe shine some clarification on this conundrum. I don't know whats going on, or where I'm at, but maybe it becomes clear and in doing so, I will grow up a bit. It is hitting me that in a year's time, I'm going out on my own. And the truth is, I don't want to live like so many young adults; using my family and friends as a crutch. I want to do this on my own, and its a large prospect. I'm lucky, and I have the ability to figure things out for myself and take care of myself. This I am sure of. But I also have this odd craving for ridiculous adventures and new experiences. I'm so afraid that I will get in over my head once I'm out of here, in a new place.

But I crave this new place like nothing that I've ever craved before. I want this change, and I need something new. I just have to find out what it is that I need, and how to make this work for me.

I need to get out of the usual rhythm and the pointless events, I think. I need to find things that matter and make them meaningful for me. To an extent, I really need to make this summer about myself and my own evolution.