Christmas Eve Life Update

This is pretty much a broad summary of everything going through my head, and random details of my life, as of now.
Why? Because I can. Its Christmas break, there's not much else to do at this particular moment.


I'm hooked on burning incense. Its cheap and beautiful. Its weirding out my family, giving them headaches, and making them question my drug usage. I just love it. My mom says my room smells like a spa.
I am in writing mode again. I wrote my first complete, lovely short story, and wish I could do something with it. Show it to people or something, but i guess not. Anyway, just the act of writing it made me feel so cleansed and purposeful. The story itself brought me to tears.
Thus, I researched publishing. And clearly, it won't happen for me anytime soon. Nonetheless, I'm writing again. A lot. And it feels good. My thoughts are organized.
I've finished my Duke essays. After some revision, I will submit. Probably the day after Christmas, just because I would feel kooky to the extreme submitting my app on Christmas day. I'm still waiting for Megan's feedback anyway..
I've filled in my planner, all the random important stuff, through May. I've organized my college folders. I feel like my life and future are in order. I feel prepared.
On the other hand, I'm an emotional wreck again. Well, sort of. I just feel so unstable. I'm unable to vocalize what I want, I'm not communicating. I'm internally panicking. I'm scared I'll lose you, and nobody knows, so who will help me pull myself together when you walk away? Where are we going with this, anyway? Its been several days since you have initiated contact with me. In fact, you haven't since that night. Maybe I shouldn't worry. But I do. Anddd I know as soon as you do, I"ll go right back to giddy happy again, sort of. I really really really want you in my life, is what I"m trying to say. Not knowing just makes me feel unstable. I want more time with you.
I want more time in general. My friends are coming and going, and we are all so busy, I"m not spending the quality time i need with everyone I need to be around.
And you, new dear friend, are leaving soon. I feel so morally conflicted, knowing I have the power to make you stay, but doing so would be wrong. So I'll let you go, like so many others. I wish it wasn't this way.
Except for my people issues, I feel so in control. I'm controlling my bad habits, decreasing my caffeine intake (this may not last) and running again. I don't know if the difference is actually noticeable, but I feel that I'm caring for myself emotionally and physically, at least a little better.
This break is hopefully a good opportunity for me to pull everything together.
I want a rockin new Years eve!
I want to watch lots of movies. Old favorites and some new ones.
I'm so excited for college, and life in general. I feel so optimistic about almost everything.
Except you, damnit, I miss you.

And i just had random profound thought, about how quickly and easily people come and go. You meet someone, and if you click, you become close just like that. But they can also leave and never look back, so easily, so unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason. This scares me. I hope no one leaves yet, and more awesome new people walk in to my life :)
Yup yup, I'm craving an adventure. Something grand. I hope this next week turns out just amazingly.

All my obligations for the entire break are as follows:
-Family Christmas Day tommorrow
-Submit Duke App
-Do Calculus Test
-Work on Physics Test
-Games Monday and Tuesday
-Drs Appt. Saturday

Rest of the days are freee for awesomeness. I think. How exciting.

And with this, I wish you a Merry Christmas :) May you find a baby Jesus in your cake tomorrow (if you have a cake).